[ Private to Sakura ]ura_no_uraSeptember 24 2009, 07:42:35 UTC
[ That isn't how it happened, and you know it.
Remember, the spike going through your chest and your teacher's gaze falling, or maybe it was you. And the rain, coming down. (It had no patience, and could not wait, like the man who thought he was god.) Took your heart with it. Or maybe it was just your lungs. And the words that didn't come out. Couldn't. All locked up. Trapped there, under all the blood.
That was how it happened.
Not like this.
Not this, but you know guilt, and you know how it can eat you up inside. Know the way it grows, a living thing, a parasite. How it sublimates.
Easy to be reduced to a feeling so large when it lives by drinking up your life.
That wasn't how happened, so not for a moment do you think or consider that maybe Naruto died like that. Or that he died at all. Especially like this.
Never like this. ]
We all made mistakes.
[ He says softly. He doesn't tell her it's not her fault, because it was. He doesn't tell her that she wasn't wrong, because she was. He doesn't tell her that she compromised the village, because she did.
But so did he.
And that isn't her fault. He could've been -- should've been stronger, should've known better, should've--
[ Private to Sakura ]ura_no_uraSeptember 24 2009, 09:01:35 UTC
Try your best.
[ He says.
He doesn't tell her to learn from it, because he knows she already has. He doesn't tell her to be strong, because he knows she already is. But he does tell her this: ]
Let's work on getting stronger so it won't happen again.
[ Private to Sakura ]ura_no_uraSeptember 24 2009, 09:52:27 UTC
Because I know you.
[ He's seen her grow. Seen her come into her own. Seen her grow strong -- stronger than he even is, and he knows the kind of heart she has. How large it is. What she would do to protect those she loves. How iron-strong her will is, when it is her own. ]
When I was thirteen... I made a decision that cost me my best friend's life. It's a decision I've had to live with since that day.
Some mistakes... are harder to forgive than others. Sometimes you never forgive yourself.
But you learn to live with it. You try to move on.
We're shinobi, Sakura. The decisions we make... won't always be good. Some decisions can cost lives. But you learn to never make those decisions again, and to grow stronger.
You should understand this better than anyone else.
[ Because she's a medic. And one wrong decision can mean whether someone lives or dies. ]
[ Private to Kakashi ]ground_breakerSeptember 24 2009, 10:26:06 UTC
[Something just snaps.]
How many lives did mine cost?
[His? Naruto's? Akira's? She doesn't know. She died. All she knows is that it's her fault that it happened, and that she can't live with that. She can't move on from that.]
How many people did I hurt because I was stupid, and selfish, and--
[She loses her voice and turns the Hitomi away so he can't see her break down and cry. Again.]
[ Private to Sakura ]ura_no_uraSeptember 24 2009, 10:34:18 UTC
[ If he was there, he think maybe, he'd put a hand on her head and tell her that it's okay. That it'd be okay. And maybe the weight of that hand would be reassuring enough that he wouldn't have to say anything more than that. But he isn't there, and he can't give her the weight of his hand to hold her in place, so she doesn't lose herself in this.
So he grips the Hitomi a little tighter, looks intently at the screen. ]
I made... mistakes, too.
[ Mistakes that nearly destroyed the village. That cost lives. That cost his own trust and confidence in himself. ]
But I'm dealing with them.
[ Or at least, trying to. ]
And when I'm done dealing with them, I'm going to come home.
[ This is a promise. ]
We all make mistakes. Some mistakes... you have to live with for the rest of your life. For whatever reason, the gods have given us another chance.
I think we should use that wisely to learn from our mistakes, so we never make them again. So these things don't happen again.
I don't know if we'll have another chance like this.
[ Private to Kakashi ]ground_breakerSeptember 24 2009, 22:25:00 UTC
[My mistakes were worse than yours.
She doesn't say that because she knows he'd tell her differently. He'd tell her that attacking Sasuke and Minato was worse than typing out a message on a device. But Sakura knows which one was more damning because she knows that he'd never have done anything if it weren't for her. Kakashi is loyalty epitomized. He'd never betray the village voluntarily. Not in a thousand years.
Nothing would have happened if she hadn't served him to Madara. If she hadn't been stupid enough to fall for the legend's velvet lies.
It kills her to hear him reassure her when he deserves to despise her.
Kills her, and comforts her.
There's still some part of her, tucked up under years of hardening herself, who is twelve years old and thinks her teacher is as strong as the earth (even if she also thinks he's a slacker) and having his approval is everything. It's this part of her that's warmed by his attempt to help.
There's a lot--a lot--that isn't okay yet but Kakashi doesn't hate her and for right now, that's just enough to not feel like everything's going to hell.
[ Private to Sakura ]ura_no_uraSeptember 24 2009, 22:48:26 UTC
[ He smiles.
Because smiling is what he does. If he can still smile, then things will fall back in place. Like when they stood in mist so thick, they nearly lost themselves in it. Kakashi smiled then. And when Sand and Sound bore down to decimate the village. And when Chidori and Rasengan nearly smashed her into pieces.
He smiled.
Told her it would be okay.
On the roof of the hospital that day:
"It's alright! Soon, things will go back to the way they used to be."
Wishful thinking, perhaps.
But he smiled then.
Like he's smiling now.
It's alright.
Soon, things will go back to the way they used to be.]
[ Private to Kakashi ]ground_breakerSeptember 26 2009, 04:26:22 UTC
[Kakashi smiles and Sakura does too.
She's not sure it will be okay. She's past the age where that kind of assurance, simple words, works for her. And she too thinks of that day on the hospital roof and Kakashi telling her that everything would be back to the way they were. And they weren't. (Yet.)
She doesn't know how she can ever make up for her foolish mistake.
But she could do her best, as he asks. That's always what she's tried to do. And when her best isn't enough she can do more.]
Remember, the spike going through your chest and your teacher's gaze falling, or maybe it was you. And the rain, coming down. (It had no patience, and could not wait, like the man who thought he was god.) Took your heart with it. Or maybe it was just your lungs. And the words that didn't come out. Couldn't. All locked up. Trapped there, under all the blood.
That was how it happened.
Not like this.
Not this, but you know guilt, and you know how it can eat you up inside. Know the way it grows, a living thing, a parasite. How it sublimates.
Easy to be reduced to a feeling so large when it lives by drinking up your life.
That wasn't how happened, so not for a moment do you think or consider that maybe Naruto died like that. Or that he died at all. Especially like this.
Never like this. ]
We all made mistakes.
[ He says softly. He doesn't tell her it's not her fault, because it was. He doesn't tell her that she wasn't wrong, because she was. He doesn't tell her that she compromised the village, because she did.
But so did he.
And that isn't her fault. He could've been -- should've been stronger, should've known better, should've--
It's inconsequential. ]
Forgiving yourself for them is the hardest part.
Reply
It's just as hard to face him--him, of all people--after that.
She's almost cowardly enough to turn off the Hitomi.
Almost.
But not quite.]
I know, Kakashi-sensei.
[But that doesn't mean she can.]
Reply
[ He says.
He doesn't tell her to learn from it, because he knows she already has. He doesn't tell her to be strong, because he knows she already is. But he does tell her this: ]
Let's work on getting stronger so it won't happen again.
[ Let's, because Kakashi failed, too.
When it mattered the most. ]
Reply
[Her voice is strange, slightly hoarse, like she almost choked on that simple word.
It's all she can say. All she can promise is to try and do the impossible, work on getting somewhere she's never going to be.
She'll try because that's what she does. It's just that it's never going to happen. That's what she's realized.]
Reply
[ He says, and he doesn't know if it matters for her to hear it. But he thinks she needs to know how he feels. ]
Reply
That's her first though.
What is there to believe in? Her integrity? Ha. Her strength? It wasn't enough to resist Madara.
What is there to believe in?]
How can you--
[Stops herself. She has to literally screw her jaw so tight it hurts.
A moment of indecision, and then she just ends the comment.]
Reply
[ He's seen her grow. Seen her come into her own. Seen her grow strong -- stronger than he even is, and he knows the kind of heart she has. How large it is. What she would do to protect those she loves. How iron-strong her will is, when it is her own. ]
When I was thirteen... I made a decision that cost me my best friend's life. It's a decision I've had to live with since that day.
Some mistakes... are harder to forgive than others. Sometimes you never forgive yourself.
But you learn to live with it. You try to move on.
We're shinobi, Sakura. The decisions we make... won't always be good. Some decisions can cost lives. But you learn to never make those decisions again, and to grow stronger.
You should understand this better than anyone else.
[ Because she's a medic. And one wrong decision can mean whether someone lives or dies. ]
Reply
How many lives did mine cost?
[His? Naruto's? Akira's? She doesn't know. She died. All she knows is that it's her fault that it happened, and that she can't live with that. She can't move on from that.]
How many people did I hurt because I was stupid, and selfish, and--
[She loses her voice and turns the Hitomi away so he can't see her break down and cry. Again.]
Reply
So he grips the Hitomi a little tighter, looks intently at the screen. ]
I made... mistakes, too.
[ Mistakes that nearly destroyed the village. That cost lives. That cost his own trust and confidence in himself. ]
But I'm dealing with them.
[ Or at least, trying to. ]
And when I'm done dealing with them, I'm going to come home.
[ This is a promise. ]
We all make mistakes. Some mistakes... you have to live with for the rest of your life. For whatever reason, the gods have given us another chance.
I think we should use that wisely to learn from our mistakes, so we never make them again. So these things don't happen again.
I don't know if we'll have another chance like this.
Reply
She doesn't say that because she knows he'd tell her differently. He'd tell her that attacking Sasuke and Minato was worse than typing out a message on a device. But Sakura knows which one was more damning because she knows that he'd never have done anything if it weren't for her. Kakashi is loyalty epitomized. He'd never betray the village voluntarily. Not in a thousand years.
Nothing would have happened if she hadn't served him to Madara. If she hadn't been stupid enough to fall for the legend's velvet lies.
It kills her to hear him reassure her when he deserves to despise her.
Kills her, and comforts her.
There's still some part of her, tucked up under years of hardening herself, who is twelve years old and thinks her teacher is as strong as the earth (even if she also thinks he's a slacker) and having his approval is everything. It's this part of her that's warmed by his attempt to help.
There's a lot--a lot--that isn't okay yet but Kakashi doesn't hate her and for right now, that's just enough to not feel like everything's going to hell.
She sniffles inelegantly.]
Kakashi-sensei... Thank you.
Reply
Because smiling is what he does. If he can still smile, then things will fall back in place. Like when they stood in mist so thick, they nearly lost themselves in it. Kakashi smiled then. And when Sand and Sound bore down to decimate the village. And when Chidori and Rasengan nearly smashed her into pieces.
He smiled.
Told her it would be okay.
On the roof of the hospital that day:
"It's alright! Soon, things will go back to the way they used to be."
Wishful thinking, perhaps.
But he smiled then.
Like he's smiling now.
It's alright.
Soon, things will go back to the way they used to be.]
It'll be okay, Sakura.
[ Eventually. ]
Do your best. I have faith in you.
Reply
She's not sure it will be okay. She's past the age where that kind of assurance, simple words, works for her. And she too thinks of that day on the hospital roof and Kakashi telling her that everything would be back to the way they were. And they weren't. (Yet.)
She doesn't know how she can ever make up for her foolish mistake.
But she could do her best, as he asks. That's always what she's tried to do. And when her best isn't enough she can do more.]
I will.
Take care of yourself, Kakashi-sensei.
Reply
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