(no subject)
for the first time today, since I considered out friendship officially over (funny how I say that, like it was some venture...) I guess that would be Oct 2nd... ( I would have known him for 2 years and I guess like a month and a half) I was a bit sad about it. Funny thing it struck me at such a random time. My parents are in town, they got here tuesday, and today (wed.), My roommate, her boyfriend eli, my parents and myself all went to the state park here and went walking around and weirdly out of now where I kinda missed him. Then I was thinking about it right before I started writing this and thinking I do kinda miss our friendship, the random messages, but now it's almost even sadder. Because I sit here knowing that I kinda miss someone and then I think back on everything that this person I miss did to, said about and to me! and I think how fucking stupid I must be. I miss someone who screamed at me and said terrible things. I wonder then what it is I must be missing. I feel this way but cannot justify the feeling to myself knowing that he was going to write me off without a second thought, he had no problem trying to make another person believe I was a crazy... peice of trash, not worth anything to him. I say it outloud... see it written and I think this is a person not at all worth missing.
he might have been right that I got a bit too involved with my own opinions, I kinda feel like he was right in a way, but I also know I was straight out ask what I thought, a lot. I will give him that, but just the fact that he was so adamant he almost had me convinced that I was wrong about something in question, until I looked back at my phone bill back in March and saw without a doubt that I wasn't wrong at all. The fact the he still wont come clean, that he wrote something knowing it was not true a week and a half ago (!) tells me that no matter what nice words come out of him, his first priority is still him trying to get what he wants- which was right then to smooth it over, and to make it not look as bad as it was- make himself not look so bad.
so complimenting it was to both of us... snake in the grass with a silver tongue.
I guess what I must be sad about is just a feeling of mine. So maybe it deserves no merit but I feel in the end, he never will change. Well I'm sure he wont now, now that he thinks the only thing wrong was that he was scared, and any other thing is some idea that I planted in his head. But I'm sad for him knowing that he has set himself up in a way that he will always have skeletons in his closet. He told me himself, the only way a person could trust someone like him was if they had done the samething themselves and been throught it. So I know that means the next girl he dates won't know what really happened so I guess if he doesn't manage to bury it so deep it doesn't even seem real to him anymore (who knows he prob. already has) he will always carry it around as a burden that haunts him. And you know I was going to say "well if it all boils down to the reason that he said, that he was afraid, then I feel sad knowing that a person lives a life so afraid of not getting theirs that it doesn't matter what they do or say to other people" but you know what. I don't buy it, well not completely. Was he afraid when he cheated in the first place? Was he afraid when he mocked me when I was crying?
I guess I still have more things to kinda sort through, but in a way its just a relief, because I know that when I am done with this last part it will really be over. As before it was me sorting through the relationship being over, then sort through the fights and drama, then the friendship, then trything to help both parties at the same time and now sorting through the end of it all.
I can look back and see one thing in this drama that I do regret doing and, it's nothing that I said or told someone, but something I didn't say. Well not when I should have... its that as soon as it occured to me that there was a lie in the apology, I should have immediatly told him that I did still want to help him, but no I did NOT support this apology to her, and I did not support him at all if he was interacting with her because he was still choosing to be dishonest. I couldn't... because I knew something wasn't true. But I did not come right out and tell him this and that is my fuck-up. But I suppose its all just as well... you live you learn, and I can also say myself that I will only make this mistake once. Time will tell which one of us means it when we say these words. He says he's learned from his mistakes and will never make the same one twice, but newsflash! obviously he hasn't, or he wouldn't be trying to keep up part of the charade just to save face.
I do have to wonder though why I should bother being on good terms with someone who tossed me to the side at their convenience... then he talked about how he owed me so much...and how he could never repay me for what I did for him. I do realize though, that we were only able to have conversations like we did a few weeks ago because he didn't get his wish of writing me off as the fucked up bitch he said I was.
hmmm, I feel better now. I was honestly sad in the beginning, but I feel much better now. I also just had an epiphany about my relationship with religion while I was just reading back over this. I might discuss it in my next entry, but for now I have to go to sleeeeeeeeeeep...
he might have been right that I got a bit too involved with my own opinions, I kinda feel like he was right in a way, but I also know I was straight out ask what I thought, a lot. I will give him that, but just the fact that he was so adamant he almost had me convinced that I was wrong about something in question, until I looked back at my phone bill back in March and saw without a doubt that I wasn't wrong at all. The fact the he still wont come clean, that he wrote something knowing it was not true a week and a half ago (!) tells me that no matter what nice words come out of him, his first priority is still him trying to get what he wants- which was right then to smooth it over, and to make it not look as bad as it was- make himself not look so bad.
so complimenting it was to both of us... snake in the grass with a silver tongue.
I guess what I must be sad about is just a feeling of mine. So maybe it deserves no merit but I feel in the end, he never will change. Well I'm sure he wont now, now that he thinks the only thing wrong was that he was scared, and any other thing is some idea that I planted in his head. But I'm sad for him knowing that he has set himself up in a way that he will always have skeletons in his closet. He told me himself, the only way a person could trust someone like him was if they had done the samething themselves and been throught it. So I know that means the next girl he dates won't know what really happened so I guess if he doesn't manage to bury it so deep it doesn't even seem real to him anymore (who knows he prob. already has) he will always carry it around as a burden that haunts him. And you know I was going to say "well if it all boils down to the reason that he said, that he was afraid, then I feel sad knowing that a person lives a life so afraid of not getting theirs that it doesn't matter what they do or say to other people" but you know what. I don't buy it, well not completely. Was he afraid when he cheated in the first place? Was he afraid when he mocked me when I was crying?
I guess I still have more things to kinda sort through, but in a way its just a relief, because I know that when I am done with this last part it will really be over. As before it was me sorting through the relationship being over, then sort through the fights and drama, then the friendship, then trything to help both parties at the same time and now sorting through the end of it all.
I can look back and see one thing in this drama that I do regret doing and, it's nothing that I said or told someone, but something I didn't say. Well not when I should have... its that as soon as it occured to me that there was a lie in the apology, I should have immediatly told him that I did still want to help him, but no I did NOT support this apology to her, and I did not support him at all if he was interacting with her because he was still choosing to be dishonest. I couldn't... because I knew something wasn't true. But I did not come right out and tell him this and that is my fuck-up. But I suppose its all just as well... you live you learn, and I can also say myself that I will only make this mistake once. Time will tell which one of us means it when we say these words. He says he's learned from his mistakes and will never make the same one twice, but newsflash! obviously he hasn't, or he wouldn't be trying to keep up part of the charade just to save face.
I do have to wonder though why I should bother being on good terms with someone who tossed me to the side at their convenience... then he talked about how he owed me so much...and how he could never repay me for what I did for him. I do realize though, that we were only able to have conversations like we did a few weeks ago because he didn't get his wish of writing me off as the fucked up bitch he said I was.
hmmm, I feel better now. I was honestly sad in the beginning, but I feel much better now. I also just had an epiphany about my relationship with religion while I was just reading back over this. I might discuss it in my next entry, but for now I have to go to sleeeeeeeeeeep...