reflections at 3 am
just a warning, this has turned into a mssive rant. i started on one note and then it kept changing. read it if you want, its a not so quick insight into my mind. skip to the next update on your friends page if you want. keep in mind the end has nothing to do with the middle which has nothing to do with the beginning.
quick poll even though i think i already know the answer: is it bad if ive basically given up on school? i mean i show up to classes (usually on time) and i pay attention (and by this i mean i try not to distract the class by dozing off or doodling). it just seems very pointless at times. i can honestly say not a single teacher has in the past 2 weeks taught me something i didn't already know or couldnt have done on my own. i wonder if the teachers really know the truth. im basically making straight A's and i dont really care. i dont do any class work. the little homeowrk i do is what i do on the way to class or during the class before it. essays take about 20-30 minutes and i do them at about 3 in the morning. i dont really care or put any effort into this any more this i see nothing coming out of it. i dont remember the last day i went to school with all my homework done. and yet i dont remember the last day i went home without having not turned in every assignment done and on time. people complain about school being too hard, but cant we also complain about it being to easy? people can bitch at me all the want and say "stop flaunting your intellegence" or "dont brag that your smart, you got it easy". but yall are wrong. theres nothing harder than keeping a mind occupied. right now im watching TV listening to music eating and updating and yet i still feel bored and that im not doing anything at all. i have a AP calc BC exam this tuesday and more than likely i should spend tomorrow night studying or reviewing. and yet i wont. and yet im going to finish the test early and have to sit there. when i did cross country, the hardest part wasnt the running. it is truly the mental aspect that is hard. i have to have something to do. rarely am i not thinking about something other than what i am doing at the time. mr new's government class only amplies my disgust with school. class has nothing to do with what we are learning so i either doodle or sleep. one class i forgot a pen so i couldnt doodle and i sat in the front so i couldnt day dream. i stared right at him and i did 1234 x 5678 in my head (its 7006652). i wake up at 6 to 7 ish every day and go to sleep at about 3 to 4 ish every night, i make up sleep by lseeping on weekends. what the hell is there to do at 2:30 am? absolutely nothing. what does that do for me? (not absolutely nothing) it leaves me desparate for something you can do. theres only so many times u can win minesweeper or play chess or checkers. little sleep is unhealthy, or so they tell me. i guess im slowly dying but arent we all? if we had decent teachers and a better education system we can learn so much more. and yet at the same time we are promoting this concept of the hurried child. im tempted to ask every teacher if i just not go to class each day if i already know what is being taught. i cant wait for the freedom of college where attendance isn't mandatory (if u dont show up i know it will be bad, but u won't get the dean handing you a detention slip). and yet high school is the time of my life, no one could replace kibbutz, israel, avodah, nfty, hanging out with friends from school. if you are still reading this, put the number 6 somewhere in your comment. i heard an interesting story, a teacher asked a classroom of kids what book have you read in any class that was the least interesting or was the worst. the teacher sat in watched as the class shouted out and talked and argued amongst themselves not stop for 30 minutes about every book and how much they didn't like them. everyone had something bad to say. the teacher eventually stopped them and calmly asked, what defiency in yourself to you attribute to this lack of interest? everything is based within myself, but i must counter this with another anecdote. dylan asked our class what defines a great teacher, many said it was a flexible one or an easy one, i replied one that inspires us and makes us want to learn on our own. i could think of very few teachers that fit this. teachers dont do that much. i would be happy with a teacher that doesnt stifle my quest for learning. i am a math, logic, science minded person naturally and thus phsyics would be the course for me. mrs singh proved that wrong. due to my experiences with her in physic , i came close to swearing to god i will never take physics AP as long as she teaches it. i still think i will never take it. thats what bad teachers do. we have faults within ourselves, i have faults. and teachers have to cater to a whole class but thats why nerd camp at duke was somewhat better. i could crack a joke or say something and expect at least one other person to understand what i meant. and more so, the biggest issue on my mind is the fact that every teacher that i have had tells me i need to apply myself. the reason for this is my lack of motivation. if i make a 99 in a class then its good. if i make a 89 then its slightly worse, but theres no difference between a 99 and a 91 other than the fact that theyre 8 points apart then it doesnt matter. if 5 minutes of work gets me some form of an A, then why doe 30? i need something to do, something to dedicate myself to . i need a feeling, something to spark me. i remember sitting in temple looking up at the bimah and the ark and have the feel of awe. this is what is amazing, theres this god that is with us, that is awesome and aweinspiring. now i look up at the ark and see nothing, feel nothing. i love judaism since it lets me. i am a jew. and yet right now in my life i dont believe in god. tomorrow this could change but to me god doesnt exist. coupled with this and yet completely separate is the feeling i now have that i am completely estranged from myself and my emotions. why is it that im calculating when i should be feeling. im too often scared to admit it or share it with others but that is why i am so in love. ive never felt this way. when shes with me everything just goes away, all that matters the here and now and her and i. its a wierd feeling but i love it, its how i wake up in the morning and instead of thinking about the day ahead, i hope she slept well and will have a good day. people are probably sick of us together, or they might not be, some might find it sickening, but yall can deal and just wait until you get this feeling and ull be the one that doesnt want to let go since the next you will hold her is too long away, even if its a few seconds later. and yet distance separates us but ive never felt closer, all i want is for her to be happy, and yet israel this summer will be bittersweet. israel will be sad without her, but it will be amazing. two flags, one heart, that is how i feel. dan nichols song so clearly expresses my views on israel, "Everything that I say or I do has so much tied to you, now It’s kind of funny how I adore someone I’ve never met before. Libi b’mizrach v’anochi b’sof marav: My heart is in the east, but I am on the very edge of the west." the only positive side of the recent surge of fundamentalist christiains having a say in the politics of the US is that they support. its no coincidence that as people become more educated and open-minded that they become more liberal. abortion is a women's right to privacy. all those who dont like it, i sympathize, the girl could have made better decisions, but whether i like it or not has nothing to do with the issue. it is constitutional in any form to create a law or to to overturn Roe v. Wade. separation of church in state is the same way. 1 it is morally degrading and offensive to everyone who uses the bible as a holy book to assume that this precious book should be treated as a common history text book. and 2 no minister would like it if i went into church on a sunday morning stopped mass or services or whatever and proceeded to read my history textbook to the congregation. if you dont want my studies in church, then keep your religion of my studies. i have freedom of religion but more so i have a freedom FROM religion. put the word banana in a comment if youve made it this far. homosexuality is a sensitive subject too, while i disagree , i can understand where many come from with reistance to a homosexual marriage. but whats wrong with a homosexuality civil union? give them the legal rights. this most disturbing issue is the rise of proposed laws banning any books they say homosexuality is genetic or have homosexuality in them. If passed, classics containing gay characters would be removed, such as Alice Walker's The Color Purple. Apparently, plays such as Cat on a Hot Tin Roof could no longer be performed. And what of books like Huck Finn and Lord of the Rings, in which it has been theorized that the characters have more than a platonic relationship? How far will this go? THe picture of Dorian Gray would go too. does this behavior ring a bell? it should. the nazis burned and banned books too. none of these books in libraries, classrooms, school, basically none at all. and yet classics can tell us what happens if we continue on this path. go read fahrenheit 451 or 1984 or brave new world. then youll see our future, then youll see what is happening to us. and i cant see the future in sight, fuck this world, fuck the future, fuck caring...
here's to United States, land of the brave and home of the free
here's to George "Dubya" Bush and the Conservative right, the "keepers" and "protectors" of own morals and family values
here's to our future with them leading us, the future we so clearly see in fahrenheit 451 or 1984 or brave new world
here's to the nights we felt alive
here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
here's to goodbye
tomorrow's gonna come too soon
GOD BLESS AMERICA, and may god have mercy on our fucked up lives
1966 words
quick poll even though i think i already know the answer: is it bad if ive basically given up on school? i mean i show up to classes (usually on time) and i pay attention (and by this i mean i try not to distract the class by dozing off or doodling). it just seems very pointless at times. i can honestly say not a single teacher has in the past 2 weeks taught me something i didn't already know or couldnt have done on my own. i wonder if the teachers really know the truth. im basically making straight A's and i dont really care. i dont do any class work. the little homeowrk i do is what i do on the way to class or during the class before it. essays take about 20-30 minutes and i do them at about 3 in the morning. i dont really care or put any effort into this any more this i see nothing coming out of it. i dont remember the last day i went to school with all my homework done. and yet i dont remember the last day i went home without having not turned in every assignment done and on time. people complain about school being too hard, but cant we also complain about it being to easy? people can bitch at me all the want and say "stop flaunting your intellegence" or "dont brag that your smart, you got it easy". but yall are wrong. theres nothing harder than keeping a mind occupied. right now im watching TV listening to music eating and updating and yet i still feel bored and that im not doing anything at all. i have a AP calc BC exam this tuesday and more than likely i should spend tomorrow night studying or reviewing. and yet i wont. and yet im going to finish the test early and have to sit there. when i did cross country, the hardest part wasnt the running. it is truly the mental aspect that is hard. i have to have something to do. rarely am i not thinking about something other than what i am doing at the time. mr new's government class only amplies my disgust with school. class has nothing to do with what we are learning so i either doodle or sleep. one class i forgot a pen so i couldnt doodle and i sat in the front so i couldnt day dream. i stared right at him and i did 1234 x 5678 in my head (its 7006652). i wake up at 6 to 7 ish every day and go to sleep at about 3 to 4 ish every night, i make up sleep by lseeping on weekends. what the hell is there to do at 2:30 am? absolutely nothing. what does that do for me? (not absolutely nothing) it leaves me desparate for something you can do. theres only so many times u can win minesweeper or play chess or checkers. little sleep is unhealthy, or so they tell me. i guess im slowly dying but arent we all? if we had decent teachers and a better education system we can learn so much more. and yet at the same time we are promoting this concept of the hurried child. im tempted to ask every teacher if i just not go to class each day if i already know what is being taught. i cant wait for the freedom of college where attendance isn't mandatory (if u dont show up i know it will be bad, but u won't get the dean handing you a detention slip). and yet high school is the time of my life, no one could replace kibbutz, israel, avodah, nfty, hanging out with friends from school. if you are still reading this, put the number 6 somewhere in your comment. i heard an interesting story, a teacher asked a classroom of kids what book have you read in any class that was the least interesting or was the worst. the teacher sat in watched as the class shouted out and talked and argued amongst themselves not stop for 30 minutes about every book and how much they didn't like them. everyone had something bad to say. the teacher eventually stopped them and calmly asked, what defiency in yourself to you attribute to this lack of interest? everything is based within myself, but i must counter this with another anecdote. dylan asked our class what defines a great teacher, many said it was a flexible one or an easy one, i replied one that inspires us and makes us want to learn on our own. i could think of very few teachers that fit this. teachers dont do that much. i would be happy with a teacher that doesnt stifle my quest for learning. i am a math, logic, science minded person naturally and thus phsyics would be the course for me. mrs singh proved that wrong. due to my experiences with her in physic , i came close to swearing to god i will never take physics AP as long as she teaches it. i still think i will never take it. thats what bad teachers do. we have faults within ourselves, i have faults. and teachers have to cater to a whole class but thats why nerd camp at duke was somewhat better. i could crack a joke or say something and expect at least one other person to understand what i meant. and more so, the biggest issue on my mind is the fact that every teacher that i have had tells me i need to apply myself. the reason for this is my lack of motivation. if i make a 99 in a class then its good. if i make a 89 then its slightly worse, but theres no difference between a 99 and a 91 other than the fact that theyre 8 points apart then it doesnt matter. if 5 minutes of work gets me some form of an A, then why doe 30? i need something to do, something to dedicate myself to . i need a feeling, something to spark me. i remember sitting in temple looking up at the bimah and the ark and have the feel of awe. this is what is amazing, theres this god that is with us, that is awesome and aweinspiring. now i look up at the ark and see nothing, feel nothing. i love judaism since it lets me. i am a jew. and yet right now in my life i dont believe in god. tomorrow this could change but to me god doesnt exist. coupled with this and yet completely separate is the feeling i now have that i am completely estranged from myself and my emotions. why is it that im calculating when i should be feeling. im too often scared to admit it or share it with others but that is why i am so in love. ive never felt this way. when shes with me everything just goes away, all that matters the here and now and her and i. its a wierd feeling but i love it, its how i wake up in the morning and instead of thinking about the day ahead, i hope she slept well and will have a good day. people are probably sick of us together, or they might not be, some might find it sickening, but yall can deal and just wait until you get this feeling and ull be the one that doesnt want to let go since the next you will hold her is too long away, even if its a few seconds later. and yet distance separates us but ive never felt closer, all i want is for her to be happy, and yet israel this summer will be bittersweet. israel will be sad without her, but it will be amazing. two flags, one heart, that is how i feel. dan nichols song so clearly expresses my views on israel, "Everything that I say or I do has so much tied to you, now It’s kind of funny how I adore someone I’ve never met before. Libi b’mizrach v’anochi b’sof marav: My heart is in the east, but I am on the very edge of the west." the only positive side of the recent surge of fundamentalist christiains having a say in the politics of the US is that they support. its no coincidence that as people become more educated and open-minded that they become more liberal. abortion is a women's right to privacy. all those who dont like it, i sympathize, the girl could have made better decisions, but whether i like it or not has nothing to do with the issue. it is constitutional in any form to create a law or to to overturn Roe v. Wade. separation of church in state is the same way. 1 it is morally degrading and offensive to everyone who uses the bible as a holy book to assume that this precious book should be treated as a common history text book. and 2 no minister would like it if i went into church on a sunday morning stopped mass or services or whatever and proceeded to read my history textbook to the congregation. if you dont want my studies in church, then keep your religion of my studies. i have freedom of religion but more so i have a freedom FROM religion. put the word banana in a comment if youve made it this far. homosexuality is a sensitive subject too, while i disagree , i can understand where many come from with reistance to a homosexual marriage. but whats wrong with a homosexuality civil union? give them the legal rights. this most disturbing issue is the rise of proposed laws banning any books they say homosexuality is genetic or have homosexuality in them. If passed, classics containing gay characters would be removed, such as Alice Walker's The Color Purple. Apparently, plays such as Cat on a Hot Tin Roof could no longer be performed. And what of books like Huck Finn and Lord of the Rings, in which it has been theorized that the characters have more than a platonic relationship? How far will this go? THe picture of Dorian Gray would go too. does this behavior ring a bell? it should. the nazis burned and banned books too. none of these books in libraries, classrooms, school, basically none at all. and yet classics can tell us what happens if we continue on this path. go read fahrenheit 451 or 1984 or brave new world. then youll see our future, then youll see what is happening to us. and i cant see the future in sight, fuck this world, fuck the future, fuck caring...
here's to United States, land of the brave and home of the free
here's to George "Dubya" Bush and the Conservative right, the "keepers" and "protectors" of own morals and family values
here's to our future with them leading us, the future we so clearly see in fahrenheit 451 or 1984 or brave new world
here's to the nights we felt alive
here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
here's to goodbye
tomorrow's gonna come too soon
GOD BLESS AMERICA, and may god have mercy on our fucked up lives
1966 words