love
no matter how much i tell myself and others that i love him.... do i really????
i actually dont know
am i pretending to make everyone think i do..... or am i pretending to just be one of the lucky people who have that person who they can lean on, who takes them home when theyre drunk, who rubs their back when it hurts, who listens to them babble about the most incoherant shit, who changes them into their pj's when theyre passed out, who makes them more angry for so many little things than most other people can?
i dont know if i love him and i think its making me even angrier than i am that he says it to me all the time and i feel obliged to reply with i love u too. but it makes me even angrier when i say it to him without any prior mention of the words and then make him smile while all the time i wanna stab myself for saying it without really knowing.
what is love? is it this? or is it something im lying to myself about, pretending that its what i have? is that love, desperatly trying not to hurt someone else, but at the same time hurting urself because ur lying.
and now that ive already said those 3 little words i can't just say oh actually im not sure if i love u. i cud never hurt him like that. i could never throw our relationship out the window because im not sure if i love him. what a wasted 3 months that would be.
i have a feeling that although we have passion (although a strange distorted excuss for passion) i think we're in a rut.
i think about others, i imagine sex with others, i imagine relationships with others, i imagine being totally head over heels inlove, constantly pinning their touch and presence, just...... being amazed every day by them, having ur heart beat faster and faster and faster and saying I LOVE U!!!!! and really meaning it, knowing it and understanding every sylable, every letter, every hidden meaning underneath, everything about it. is this wrong?
am i just pushing him away because i know i have him. or is he not what i want. if i end it will i end up hating myself for throwing him away or will i end up like sally and daniel and just be in a convenient relationship that has lost eveything.
i want to know, what do i want from him, what can he give me that i dont have, what does he want, what can i give him that he doesnt have. what do we give each other in our relationship that we need. and if i dont need nething why exactly am i even in a relationship?
ive spent so much time writing in here about lonliness, singletom, freinds, crushes (god i talked about crushes in here alot) why do i struggle with voicing my feeling on relatioships?
i have one more question for the general universe....... is it wrong that i havent learned a lesson? talking generally here. If i did something wrong, and gave it up even before i was caught and i was forgiven and told never to do it again...... why do i constantly want to re commit? is this wrong? or is it human for me to be obsessed with something i know i can have but i know wud devistate others?
i actually dont know
am i pretending to make everyone think i do..... or am i pretending to just be one of the lucky people who have that person who they can lean on, who takes them home when theyre drunk, who rubs their back when it hurts, who listens to them babble about the most incoherant shit, who changes them into their pj's when theyre passed out, who makes them more angry for so many little things than most other people can?
i dont know if i love him and i think its making me even angrier than i am that he says it to me all the time and i feel obliged to reply with i love u too. but it makes me even angrier when i say it to him without any prior mention of the words and then make him smile while all the time i wanna stab myself for saying it without really knowing.
what is love? is it this? or is it something im lying to myself about, pretending that its what i have? is that love, desperatly trying not to hurt someone else, but at the same time hurting urself because ur lying.
and now that ive already said those 3 little words i can't just say oh actually im not sure if i love u. i cud never hurt him like that. i could never throw our relationship out the window because im not sure if i love him. what a wasted 3 months that would be.
i have a feeling that although we have passion (although a strange distorted excuss for passion) i think we're in a rut.
i think about others, i imagine sex with others, i imagine relationships with others, i imagine being totally head over heels inlove, constantly pinning their touch and presence, just...... being amazed every day by them, having ur heart beat faster and faster and faster and saying I LOVE U!!!!! and really meaning it, knowing it and understanding every sylable, every letter, every hidden meaning underneath, everything about it. is this wrong?
am i just pushing him away because i know i have him. or is he not what i want. if i end it will i end up hating myself for throwing him away or will i end up like sally and daniel and just be in a convenient relationship that has lost eveything.
i want to know, what do i want from him, what can he give me that i dont have, what does he want, what can i give him that he doesnt have. what do we give each other in our relationship that we need. and if i dont need nething why exactly am i even in a relationship?
ive spent so much time writing in here about lonliness, singletom, freinds, crushes (god i talked about crushes in here alot) why do i struggle with voicing my feeling on relatioships?
i have one more question for the general universe....... is it wrong that i havent learned a lesson? talking generally here. If i did something wrong, and gave it up even before i was caught and i was forgiven and told never to do it again...... why do i constantly want to re commit? is this wrong? or is it human for me to be obsessed with something i know i can have but i know wud devistate others?