making amends... ?
Yesterday my brother went out and bought a beginning piano book (ignoring the fact that we already own like 5) and spent most of today methodically and very successfully going through it, with plans to be "mad nice at piano" by the end of the summer. I've always been jealous of how smart and intelligent my brother is and how he so effortlessly gets perfect grades. As a result of this jealousy, I closely guard anything I have of my own that I am good at and he isn't- Speaking French fluently, playing the piano, and certain housekeeping skills, for instance. A couple of weeks ago we decided to make dinner together, and I was such a control freak and perfectionist about it that I ended up cooking alone so that I could be satisfied with how it was done. Similarly, when he started playing simple piano pieces easily on his own that took me a little while in lessons when I started playing over 10 years ago, I got snarky and started a very snobby argument about how one should go about learning to play. Even before I started acting this way I knew I was going to, so I stopped myself pretty early on and told him exactly why I'm such a bitch to him (and only him, in this way) all the time. I told him about the jealousy (which I've had ever since I noticed that he was good at math and I was not, circa age 6) and that it's the main reason I act the way I do around him in such situations. And then I told him that I'm immensely proud of him and that my little jealousy problem shouldn't stop him from trying to do what he wants to do.
And I feel so much better.
And I feel so much better.