(no subject)
Maybe this is the only way I can say everything. Maybe he will read it and understand me. Maybe jsut maybe we would no longer fight. Maybe we will be...again.
I know that I am not the only one in his life anymore. I have lied to myself to many times. I am letting it bother me so much that I am sick. I get headaches every day at work. The closer it gets to coming home I get sicker my stomach starts to hurt. I am almost at the point of throwing up. I walk through the door and I know I could throw up. If he looked at me wrong I would. But no I don't, my heart stays at a steady very high beat waiting for him to notice me. Finally he looks at me. Realizes that yes indeed I have come home. I have arrived. Finally after 10 minutes. I try and talk with him. Why wouldn't I. But no he gets mad I am talking and he is playing. Then I become more upset. No not because he isn't paying attention to me. I am used to that...now... He gets mad. Why didn't I notice that he did the dishes. What am I supposed to do. Jump up and down. Yay!!! You did something you are home almost ever freakin' day of the week and today you did something. You work three nights a week doing nothing...Well that is not fair the closetest you can do to nothing and still get paid. You play all night long on my computer you talk all night long to different woman. You get pics of those woman all night long. You talk on your webcam you take pics of your self so that you can post them on different dating websites and send them to these woman. But no I am the bad person when I don't notice that you did the dishes. I am sorry. I should notice those things. I should notice and say something the instent I walk in the door from working. I am tired of saying sorry. I am tired of going to sleep at night thinking of how sick I am going to be tomorrow and worrying that I might not notice something.
I don't tell him what is wrong when I am upset and that is my fault. But you know what I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear him turn it around on my. I always have to be right. Funny but I don't agree with that. I have lost myself and I don't like that. I was a strong social person. Now I am not. I give in. Yes we fight but that is because I am beyond it. If that makes sense. When I cared I didn't fight back because it didn't matter. I don't care anymore so we are fighting more. I used to let the little things go. Now the little things just are adding up to much. THey are hurting to much. There are to many little things.
But the thing is I love him. I want to be with him. God knows why. I do...He makes me laugh, he truly cares, he loves me. He isn't afraid to hold my hand in public. To show that love for me. To tickle me and make me giggle. He used to listen when I talked. He was my dork. We had plans we had goals together. Now it seems like I have goals to get away and do something with our lives. And his goals...Getting another video game.
I hope you hear. I hope you care enough to listen and not be mad. That you care enough to be upset and understand that I still care. That I have and always will put my heart on the line for you. Just listen and realize that I am not going anywhere. That you need to talk to me and understand
I know that I am not the only one in his life anymore. I have lied to myself to many times. I am letting it bother me so much that I am sick. I get headaches every day at work. The closer it gets to coming home I get sicker my stomach starts to hurt. I am almost at the point of throwing up. I walk through the door and I know I could throw up. If he looked at me wrong I would. But no I don't, my heart stays at a steady very high beat waiting for him to notice me. Finally he looks at me. Realizes that yes indeed I have come home. I have arrived. Finally after 10 minutes. I try and talk with him. Why wouldn't I. But no he gets mad I am talking and he is playing. Then I become more upset. No not because he isn't paying attention to me. I am used to that...now... He gets mad. Why didn't I notice that he did the dishes. What am I supposed to do. Jump up and down. Yay!!! You did something you are home almost ever freakin' day of the week and today you did something. You work three nights a week doing nothing...Well that is not fair the closetest you can do to nothing and still get paid. You play all night long on my computer you talk all night long to different woman. You get pics of those woman all night long. You talk on your webcam you take pics of your self so that you can post them on different dating websites and send them to these woman. But no I am the bad person when I don't notice that you did the dishes. I am sorry. I should notice those things. I should notice and say something the instent I walk in the door from working. I am tired of saying sorry. I am tired of going to sleep at night thinking of how sick I am going to be tomorrow and worrying that I might not notice something.
I don't tell him what is wrong when I am upset and that is my fault. But you know what I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear him turn it around on my. I always have to be right. Funny but I don't agree with that. I have lost myself and I don't like that. I was a strong social person. Now I am not. I give in. Yes we fight but that is because I am beyond it. If that makes sense. When I cared I didn't fight back because it didn't matter. I don't care anymore so we are fighting more. I used to let the little things go. Now the little things just are adding up to much. THey are hurting to much. There are to many little things.
But the thing is I love him. I want to be with him. God knows why. I do...He makes me laugh, he truly cares, he loves me. He isn't afraid to hold my hand in public. To show that love for me. To tickle me and make me giggle. He used to listen when I talked. He was my dork. We had plans we had goals together. Now it seems like I have goals to get away and do something with our lives. And his goals...Getting another video game.
I hope you hear. I hope you care enough to listen and not be mad. That you care enough to be upset and understand that I still care. That I have and always will put my heart on the line for you. Just listen and realize that I am not going anywhere. That you need to talk to me and understand