So...Tired...
It's been over 72 hours since I've slept. The first night on the new pill knocked me right out. Now I just don't sleep at all. I'm exhausted.
How am I? What a hard question to answer. If it weren't for my husband, I don't know what I'd do. He's the only one that gives a shit, really. Anyone else that I've even mentioned this to thinks that I'm either overdramatizing, doesn't understand, or just plain ol' blows me off. I feel so alone right now, it isn't even funny. No, I'm not JUST feeling this way because the doctor said it to me - I'd been concerned about it for awhile, and now that it's out there - I'm more afraid. Why doesn't anyone get that? Yesterday afternoon Mandy and I went out to dinner and to get Lee a birthday present - I was having a really bad breathing thing toward the end there - and it ended up lasting most of the night after I went home. It was awful - but I didn't tell anyone about it. Well, today, My Mom asked how my night was, I told her what happened, and she told me that "sometimes we make things seem a lot worse than they are". Jesus. This coming from her? Who five minutes before that was telling me "I don't know what my problem is - I've been having issues with diziness and blackouts - but I don't need a doctor, it will go away". Whatever. Nobody understands how I am feeling right now. Sure - I'm paniced. No one knows the things that I have gone through with my Dad because of this viscious disorder. Sure, I've probably got it a lot more mildy - but still! Like the rest of you would just let it roll off your back and not care. I just wish I could take back Friday and never have went to the stupid doctor. Now I just feel like crap and I'm not sleeping, which is making me feel even crappier.
Not much else is going on. It's final exam week at school. I'm so glad that this session is over after Thursday. I HATE Project Management. Not a big fan of Health Care Finance either. I need a break in the worst way. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself for the next eight weeks when I only have one class.
Scotland is coming and so is moving time. I'm looking forward to both. Our new place is going to be so much nicer than stupid Timber Oaks ever was. Ghetto-Shithole. Kenny is coming Friday. I'm also really looking forward to that. I have to go today and order Lee's birthday cake from Baskin Robbins. I think I'm going to get a Spider-Man cake with Oreo Icecream. He should like that. I also have to go to Card Outlet and order balloons and stuff. Actually - maybe I won't do that... I don't know. In reality they are sort of a waste of money. But I could go and get like three or four, huh? I just want to be sure that he has a great birthday. I know from experience how devastating shitty birthday's are - I don't want him to feel that way. Besides that, I always feel so much more obligated to make sure that I plan something awesome for him because he's away from home and I don't want him to get homesick. I'm really pissed that more people aren't coming from home. No family - no friends. The only one that is going to show is Kenny - We always go out there - but no one comes here. I know that it hurts him deep down - But at least Kenny will come. His Mom is supposed to come visit in July to help us move or something. I hope she really does come. I know that that will make Lee happy.
I'm stressed about money. I have so much crap that I need money for in the next four months. $500 to move. $500 dollars to spend in Scotland. $750 dollars to pay the bills while I'm in Scotland and not working for a week. Plus money to buy all the crap that we need to buy for the new joint. You know what that equals? TO MUCH MONEY. I swear, I'm going to start seeing dollar signs in my eyeballs pretty soon. I check that damn bank statement online religiously 500 times a day. It's a sickness I think.
Wow. This is a really rambly entry.
I'm sitting at this stupid desk right now wanting to just KILL every person that walks in the doors- stupid controlled access. Every time they open they slam shut... I have the worst headache you could possibly imagine right now. Is it 4:00 yet?
I feel so alone. Mandy went away to Pittsburgh about two weeks ago now with a couple of friends from school. I was so jealous. Not because Mandy has other freinds besides me - but just that I feel as if the only people I have are Mandy and Lee...Sometimes theres Jen - but we live such different lives now and she is so far way I never get to see her nearly as much as I'd like. I can't even remember the last time I saw her. And then there is Donna in Scotland - but I never see her either or talk to her really. Besides, she and Adam have started thier own family - and I'm here. Just going to school and working. That's it. Chelsea hates me now, so I don't even have her anymore. She used to be the one other person that could really relate to me... But now she has her family and is pissed at me - and regardless of what I say she won't ever understand me or forgive me for whatever I did to her. I feel as if my friends are slowly dwindling in numbers and it's only a matter of time before the rest of them are gone too. I don't really understand why I am so easy to be left behind though - All my life - people have left me. They get mad, they move on, they forget... Even my own Father. Hell, half the time my own Mother and sisters don't remember I exist. But they have thier own thing going now and I'm just not a part of that. I can't begudge them that though - we all have our own needs. I just wish that I was a need for more people - I wish that I knew that more people loved me and cared about me - So many people say that they do - but I don't know how many of them I truly believe. I have such a hard time forgetting people - so why is it so easy to forget about me? I can't be that horrible of a person. Or maybe I just have a bad habit of surrounding myself with crappy people. No, that isn't it. I don't know what it is. I do know that I need to do something about it. I need to change something - I just don't know how or what. I also know that I HATE the way this journal entry sounds. I mean, I sound so irreversibly depressed - and I'm not. I'm happy - I just have issues. I hate reading people's journals when all they do is bitch about how lousy thier life is and all that - I always try to put something positive in my entries - but I know that my entries are no better than anyone elses.
I guess we all just have to remember that the only person that we are putting this out for is ourselves. I don't care if anyone reads this or not, if anyone cares what I say or not - I just sometimes need an outlet and a lot of the things that I have to say I can't say to anyone in particular... so I just put them here. And afterwards, I feel better. Or at least, I feel a little better anyway.
How am I? What a hard question to answer. If it weren't for my husband, I don't know what I'd do. He's the only one that gives a shit, really. Anyone else that I've even mentioned this to thinks that I'm either overdramatizing, doesn't understand, or just plain ol' blows me off. I feel so alone right now, it isn't even funny. No, I'm not JUST feeling this way because the doctor said it to me - I'd been concerned about it for awhile, and now that it's out there - I'm more afraid. Why doesn't anyone get that? Yesterday afternoon Mandy and I went out to dinner and to get Lee a birthday present - I was having a really bad breathing thing toward the end there - and it ended up lasting most of the night after I went home. It was awful - but I didn't tell anyone about it. Well, today, My Mom asked how my night was, I told her what happened, and she told me that "sometimes we make things seem a lot worse than they are". Jesus. This coming from her? Who five minutes before that was telling me "I don't know what my problem is - I've been having issues with diziness and blackouts - but I don't need a doctor, it will go away". Whatever. Nobody understands how I am feeling right now. Sure - I'm paniced. No one knows the things that I have gone through with my Dad because of this viscious disorder. Sure, I've probably got it a lot more mildy - but still! Like the rest of you would just let it roll off your back and not care. I just wish I could take back Friday and never have went to the stupid doctor. Now I just feel like crap and I'm not sleeping, which is making me feel even crappier.
Not much else is going on. It's final exam week at school. I'm so glad that this session is over after Thursday. I HATE Project Management. Not a big fan of Health Care Finance either. I need a break in the worst way. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself for the next eight weeks when I only have one class.
Scotland is coming and so is moving time. I'm looking forward to both. Our new place is going to be so much nicer than stupid Timber Oaks ever was. Ghetto-Shithole. Kenny is coming Friday. I'm also really looking forward to that. I have to go today and order Lee's birthday cake from Baskin Robbins. I think I'm going to get a Spider-Man cake with Oreo Icecream. He should like that. I also have to go to Card Outlet and order balloons and stuff. Actually - maybe I won't do that... I don't know. In reality they are sort of a waste of money. But I could go and get like three or four, huh? I just want to be sure that he has a great birthday. I know from experience how devastating shitty birthday's are - I don't want him to feel that way. Besides that, I always feel so much more obligated to make sure that I plan something awesome for him because he's away from home and I don't want him to get homesick. I'm really pissed that more people aren't coming from home. No family - no friends. The only one that is going to show is Kenny - We always go out there - but no one comes here. I know that it hurts him deep down - But at least Kenny will come. His Mom is supposed to come visit in July to help us move or something. I hope she really does come. I know that that will make Lee happy.
I'm stressed about money. I have so much crap that I need money for in the next four months. $500 to move. $500 dollars to spend in Scotland. $750 dollars to pay the bills while I'm in Scotland and not working for a week. Plus money to buy all the crap that we need to buy for the new joint. You know what that equals? TO MUCH MONEY. I swear, I'm going to start seeing dollar signs in my eyeballs pretty soon. I check that damn bank statement online religiously 500 times a day. It's a sickness I think.
Wow. This is a really rambly entry.
I'm sitting at this stupid desk right now wanting to just KILL every person that walks in the doors- stupid controlled access. Every time they open they slam shut... I have the worst headache you could possibly imagine right now. Is it 4:00 yet?
I feel so alone. Mandy went away to Pittsburgh about two weeks ago now with a couple of friends from school. I was so jealous. Not because Mandy has other freinds besides me - but just that I feel as if the only people I have are Mandy and Lee...Sometimes theres Jen - but we live such different lives now and she is so far way I never get to see her nearly as much as I'd like. I can't even remember the last time I saw her. And then there is Donna in Scotland - but I never see her either or talk to her really. Besides, she and Adam have started thier own family - and I'm here. Just going to school and working. That's it. Chelsea hates me now, so I don't even have her anymore. She used to be the one other person that could really relate to me... But now she has her family and is pissed at me - and regardless of what I say she won't ever understand me or forgive me for whatever I did to her. I feel as if my friends are slowly dwindling in numbers and it's only a matter of time before the rest of them are gone too. I don't really understand why I am so easy to be left behind though - All my life - people have left me. They get mad, they move on, they forget... Even my own Father. Hell, half the time my own Mother and sisters don't remember I exist. But they have thier own thing going now and I'm just not a part of that. I can't begudge them that though - we all have our own needs. I just wish that I was a need for more people - I wish that I knew that more people loved me and cared about me - So many people say that they do - but I don't know how many of them I truly believe. I have such a hard time forgetting people - so why is it so easy to forget about me? I can't be that horrible of a person. Or maybe I just have a bad habit of surrounding myself with crappy people. No, that isn't it. I don't know what it is. I do know that I need to do something about it. I need to change something - I just don't know how or what. I also know that I HATE the way this journal entry sounds. I mean, I sound so irreversibly depressed - and I'm not. I'm happy - I just have issues. I hate reading people's journals when all they do is bitch about how lousy thier life is and all that - I always try to put something positive in my entries - but I know that my entries are no better than anyone elses.
I guess we all just have to remember that the only person that we are putting this out for is ourselves. I don't care if anyone reads this or not, if anyone cares what I say or not - I just sometimes need an outlet and a lot of the things that I have to say I can't say to anyone in particular... so I just put them here. And afterwards, I feel better. Or at least, I feel a little better anyway.