:)
yesterday was a lot of fun. Originally matt and i were going to go to the beach, but it was rainy and icky out. so we couldnt really decide what we wanted to do. I really didnt feel like going out because i was really getting into a depressive state. My dad's dad isnt doing very well, and its really hard on me because ive already lost my mom's parents..and they were the most amazing people that i have ever known. I really think that old people are generally the most coolest people that you could ever talk to. They have so much insight on things that you would never even think about or have never experienced in your life at all. I think that when im older, im going to visit a nursing home weekly, and im going to talk to people that dont have any family, or their family doesnt pay much attention to them. Im going to listen to their stories and everything they would like to talk about...why? because i think it will fill something in my life that im going to miss. I really miss my grandparents and i almost tell myself that they are still here. That they are still living in michigan and that ill be going to visit them for christmas or april vacation or over the summer. wow...i swear my family has psychic powers. My mom just came over and i was like uhm...hi mom and she was staring at me and i was like uhhhmmmm what? and she was like i just wanna look at u and smiled and walked away...thats weird how my family is really that close. I just wanna say that if your grandparents are still alive, call them more, and visit them more. They really are the true teachers that really teach us the most important things because they have lived their lives almost to the fullest and they feel that if they can teach their grandchildren what they had wanted to learn when they were younger then it must be something really important. if u get what im saying.
It's really funny how all my life, i have always said i want to get as far away as possible from nh, its the most boring state and theres nothing to do ever....THAT IS SO NOT TRUE! you can be bored anywhere, its the fact of what you can do and what you choose to do. if you choose to do nothing and sit around in your room and blame it on the town then you obviously dont know what you are talking about. Through matt, ive been realizing how much stuff there is to do around me and how ive never really even cared to leave my town. Its like i havent seen ANYTHING in nh, all ive wanted to do all my life was sit in amherst, go to walmart a countless amount of times and complain about how all there is to do in this town is do drugs or get drunk or watch movies or fool around with boys....AND THERES SO MUCH MORE! i mean, one thing about matt is that he will get up one day and just be like lets go somewhere or lets do something where we just drive and he'll just go. And through him its like hes opening my eyes to there is so much to do in nh, and everywhere there is a lot to do...but people choose not to do it. its crazy, its like with matt i always feel like we're doing something different which is why i have so much fun with him, its crazy. and i love it a lot! im really glad that he took me out yesterday because i really needed to get out, i was really upset/emotional and was trying to be a hermit and stay in all day, but i ended up having a really fun time and i got to know him so much better and liked him so much more its crazy.
I find myself sometimes almost holding myself away, or holding myself back. Sometimes i'll be with matt and ill just close off, almost like i dont/shouldnt be talking anymore...its like a protection thing that i have. Like, if im with my friends and someone will say something mean to me or say something that i said was stupid (not jokingly but like REALLY meaning it) i almost close off and dont want to talk and now im finding myself doing that even if someone doesnt say something hurtful...i guess thats how i am. I also tend to like to listen to people. Its almost like the world has so much to tell me and you can learn so much from some people that why is it so important that i talk about pety things about myself, like why i was so annoyed or something that had been bothering me at the time..i find that if you listen to what other people say before you say whats going on in your mind, it might help you a lot anyways, if that makes sense. lol even just with like touch and body language you can really understand someone, and i like understanding people, it helps me understand myself.
I dunno...its almost like this year is my last year at souhegan. Almost like my very last year living at home with my parents. And i feel myself letting go of a lot. Like normally if someone bugs me then i would talk about it with other people and i just feel myself stopping that, i dont think its worth my time and how does doing that have any importance at all? I just feel myself letting go of a lot of the negative that ive had towards this town and towards some people in this town because i look at it and i figure its not worth it anymore, ya know? whats the point of being mad at people that you probably will never see again in your life after this year? i feel that i am letting go of so much...not for other people but really for myself in the fact that people will really piss me off and ill just be like ok, im really pissed and that bugged me....but its over with, so who really cares about it anymore? if we waste our whole entire life thinking about all of our problems and live our life through these problems, we will never be happy. its crazy how life works that you can choose what you want to do and who you want to be, we're so lucky to have it yet so many people dont realize how lucky they are and choose all the negative paths of things... o well i think ive blabbed on for long enough...i like to write in this cuz it gets out all my thoughts come out randomly which is why my writing doesnt really flow lol
It's really funny how all my life, i have always said i want to get as far away as possible from nh, its the most boring state and theres nothing to do ever....THAT IS SO NOT TRUE! you can be bored anywhere, its the fact of what you can do and what you choose to do. if you choose to do nothing and sit around in your room and blame it on the town then you obviously dont know what you are talking about. Through matt, ive been realizing how much stuff there is to do around me and how ive never really even cared to leave my town. Its like i havent seen ANYTHING in nh, all ive wanted to do all my life was sit in amherst, go to walmart a countless amount of times and complain about how all there is to do in this town is do drugs or get drunk or watch movies or fool around with boys....AND THERES SO MUCH MORE! i mean, one thing about matt is that he will get up one day and just be like lets go somewhere or lets do something where we just drive and he'll just go. And through him its like hes opening my eyes to there is so much to do in nh, and everywhere there is a lot to do...but people choose not to do it. its crazy, its like with matt i always feel like we're doing something different which is why i have so much fun with him, its crazy. and i love it a lot! im really glad that he took me out yesterday because i really needed to get out, i was really upset/emotional and was trying to be a hermit and stay in all day, but i ended up having a really fun time and i got to know him so much better and liked him so much more its crazy.
I find myself sometimes almost holding myself away, or holding myself back. Sometimes i'll be with matt and ill just close off, almost like i dont/shouldnt be talking anymore...its like a protection thing that i have. Like, if im with my friends and someone will say something mean to me or say something that i said was stupid (not jokingly but like REALLY meaning it) i almost close off and dont want to talk and now im finding myself doing that even if someone doesnt say something hurtful...i guess thats how i am. I also tend to like to listen to people. Its almost like the world has so much to tell me and you can learn so much from some people that why is it so important that i talk about pety things about myself, like why i was so annoyed or something that had been bothering me at the time..i find that if you listen to what other people say before you say whats going on in your mind, it might help you a lot anyways, if that makes sense. lol even just with like touch and body language you can really understand someone, and i like understanding people, it helps me understand myself.
I dunno...its almost like this year is my last year at souhegan. Almost like my very last year living at home with my parents. And i feel myself letting go of a lot. Like normally if someone bugs me then i would talk about it with other people and i just feel myself stopping that, i dont think its worth my time and how does doing that have any importance at all? I just feel myself letting go of a lot of the negative that ive had towards this town and towards some people in this town because i look at it and i figure its not worth it anymore, ya know? whats the point of being mad at people that you probably will never see again in your life after this year? i feel that i am letting go of so much...not for other people but really for myself in the fact that people will really piss me off and ill just be like ok, im really pissed and that bugged me....but its over with, so who really cares about it anymore? if we waste our whole entire life thinking about all of our problems and live our life through these problems, we will never be happy. its crazy how life works that you can choose what you want to do and who you want to be, we're so lucky to have it yet so many people dont realize how lucky they are and choose all the negative paths of things... o well i think ive blabbed on for long enough...i like to write in this cuz it gets out all my thoughts come out randomly which is why my writing doesnt really flow lol