Can I?
That's a huge question in my life right now, in a lot of situations. Can I accomplish a goal I plan on setting for myself in the near future about a career move? Can I sell my house this spring? Can I deal with my mom's illness and be strong for her like I want to? Can I go to this church that I'm wanting to go to so bad, but have certain doubts about? Or should I, might be a better question on that one. God is doing wondrous things in my life now, and I haven't felt these types of things for a while. I feel like I can do all these things, and I feel like I should do all these things, but they're all very scary for me to think about.
Honestly, with the career move, I have huge doubts about what I can and can't do and if I should jump into something so different then what I do currently. I wonder if I'd just be setting myself up for failure.
With the house, I simply have to sell it. I like the idea of having a house, but doing it on my own and at this time where certain important things aren't stable in my life, it's just impossible to keep it up. I don't want to keep it up. It's stressful.
My mom's illness was something I could deal with for the 3 weeks she was in the hospital. The 2nd to the last day she was there, the doctor came into the waiting area across the hall from her room and told us that we should push her to fill out the "life support" paperwork on how she wants everything to be done when time comes. We all knew that it had to be done (it had been sitting in the drawer by her bed for 2 weeks) but when the doctor said that, it hit me hard. Harder than anything has ever hit me in my life. It felt like this doctor had just stabbed my heart many times over and was sitting back just watching me bleed. After my bout of crying, I felt like I could be strong again. It comes in waves, and I'm scared for the day that I lose my strength in front of my mom. Terrified. 'Cause that's the one thing I don't want her to see more than anything. I don't want her to see that it is tearing me apart that she won't be here when I get married, that she won't ever see her grandchildren (God willing), and that she won't know for certain that I'm gonna be okay in my life.
With church, it is simply a matter of how strong I can be. I love this new church I've been going to, but there are certain things about it that I don't know if I should be around. OK, not "things" per say, but, it's a little complicated. I don't know, it really has nothing to do with the church itself, just my own personal issues that I believe I should set aside and not worry about so much so that I can be at this place that is clearly great for me at this point in my life.
That's not even the half of it!
Grrrr....Can I?!?!
Honestly, with the career move, I have huge doubts about what I can and can't do and if I should jump into something so different then what I do currently. I wonder if I'd just be setting myself up for failure.
With the house, I simply have to sell it. I like the idea of having a house, but doing it on my own and at this time where certain important things aren't stable in my life, it's just impossible to keep it up. I don't want to keep it up. It's stressful.
My mom's illness was something I could deal with for the 3 weeks she was in the hospital. The 2nd to the last day she was there, the doctor came into the waiting area across the hall from her room and told us that we should push her to fill out the "life support" paperwork on how she wants everything to be done when time comes. We all knew that it had to be done (it had been sitting in the drawer by her bed for 2 weeks) but when the doctor said that, it hit me hard. Harder than anything has ever hit me in my life. It felt like this doctor had just stabbed my heart many times over and was sitting back just watching me bleed. After my bout of crying, I felt like I could be strong again. It comes in waves, and I'm scared for the day that I lose my strength in front of my mom. Terrified. 'Cause that's the one thing I don't want her to see more than anything. I don't want her to see that it is tearing me apart that she won't be here when I get married, that she won't ever see her grandchildren (God willing), and that she won't know for certain that I'm gonna be okay in my life.
With church, it is simply a matter of how strong I can be. I love this new church I've been going to, but there are certain things about it that I don't know if I should be around. OK, not "things" per say, but, it's a little complicated. I don't know, it really has nothing to do with the church itself, just my own personal issues that I believe I should set aside and not worry about so much so that I can be at this place that is clearly great for me at this point in my life.
That's not even the half of it!
Grrrr....Can I?!?!