I am angry!
This is the worst night ever. Hating someone really sucks, big time. I am trying so hard to just keep myself busy and absorb the fact that everyone else in my life is right. I dont need friends that bring me down, friends that treat me like shit and friends that want nothing to do with me. Why put effort into something that is not worth my time and energy and something that I get nothing from? I have no idea but I did. Its times like these when I know I need someone, especially someone that has been my friend forever, the only person that really knows me. Knows the truth about me and shares a lot of the same things with me. There are so many things that I wish I hadn't said, some hurtful but some things that just needed to be said in order to hurt so they felt a little tiny bit of pain like I had. I sit here staring at my computer screen with tears rolling down my face and nothing to say. This is like my 2nd update today but oh well, its my journal and just a place for me to vent and get my anger, sorrow and whatever other emotion I tend to have, out. I was reading an email tonight from Brittany, Brittany Stead and I just sat back and thought "what if" What if I hadn't been friends with Kristen? What if we were still friends? She wrote me an email with all of our "memories" in it and it just made me smile. There were a lot and I am thankful for that but now it reminds me of some type of email I would write to Kristen. Of all of our memories with our guys, going to base, stalking, Sean, everything. . .there are a lot. What do you expect? 4 years is a long time of being friends to accumulate memories. She stood there with me the day that Josh B left and cried with me and I am glad she was there but she wont be there with me the day he gets back, when I am crying with tears of joy to see him. Oh well, like they say, friends come and go, only the true ones stay by your side, right? Well this is enough friend crap for the night. Just what was on my mind. Thanks Carla for everything. . .I love you. Its just hard cuz you're not here and everything but I know you're the greatest friend someone could EVER ask for.
" Like any other kind of love, friendship can be lost within our lives due to neglect or anger or, sometimes, simply circumstances. However it is lost, we often lose a part of ourselves that can never quite be recovered. "
Well maybe now I should just say goodbye
You used to be my friend
But I never felt I really was yours
So maybe this is the end.
I'm different from you, all of you
Each other we've never understood
I hope that if I do tell you goodbye
That it won't be for good.
Whenever I'm mad it hurts me so bad
And you don't even care
I don't know why, I just want to cry
And someday I won't be there.
The streaks on my arm they've done me no harm
They're only made of pen
But once they are blood that turns brown like mud
They'll be there again and again.
If I'm mad at you I'll hurt myself too
But that doesn't really matter
Although when I hurt I feel like dirt
And my spirit's bruised and battered.
I do not know why it has to be so
I really wish it did not
But the way this has been going
it is basically shot.
You don't need me and we don't need we
And that's how I think I know why
These words are the ones I have to speak-
I love you, but goodbye.
Goodnight-
Richelle