my feeble fic-attempt at rationalization and humor
How to fit sex and magic with a budget cut
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Dean, Sam, Ruby, Anna, Cas&Uriel, Alistair, ERIC KRIPKE
Wordcount: ca 1020
Notes: I've read a similar story on a Russian SPn site, decided to have smthg like that in English because very highly improbably this is how it has happened…some time before 4x01. At least it explains why things are as they are now onscreen...
Crack. Just me being wicked and grouchy.
beta by candygramme
Eric: Guys, I’ve got bad news. We’ve had our budget cut, must obey the cost cutting policy.
Everybody exchanges anxious looks and shaky whispers.
Eric: Ruby, You're going to have to have a new meatsuit. The one you had...not good any more. Too expensive.
Ruby: No way. I’m not taking my clothes off while wearing this. Looks like it’s been comatose for half a year! And I feel like something’s in my mouth all the time.
Eric: You're way too critical. She's got two arms, two legs, what more do you want?
Eric, before Ruby object: Hear this instead: you gotta get down and dirty with Sam! /to himself/ We gotta keep the viewers interested. Somehow.
Ruby: Down and dirty? Wearing this meatsuit? NO WAY! I'm not getting naked wearing that!
Sam, folds his arms on his chest: Dirty with that meatsuit? Not a chance! I can’t. No way.
Eric: Ruby, don’t worry. Everything’s gonna be just fine! All eyes will be on Sam anyway. Ruby chokes with resentment And you, Sam, are gonna be seriously wasted.
Sam, morosely: Don’t think can get wasted enough. And if I do, I won’t be able to get it up, for damned sure. And why would I suddenly get it on with a demon?
Eric, irritatedly: Forget the demon. You are lost and lonely, all you have on your mind is Dean!
Sam, puzzled: You telling me I can imagine she's Dean? There's not enough booze in the world!
Eric, sizzling: That's beside the point! It will be your breaking point, bring your life juices back, and you’ll realize you are not alone and quit hitting the bottle.
Sam, doubtful: Yeah, right. Like hell I will when you're putting me through this.
Eric, dismissively: Great! Then Ruby will teach you to exorcise demons in a special way.
Sam, slowly: Wait a minute. Exorcise? You promised me an army to fight Lilith and set Dean free!
Eric, shrugs: I’m sorry, we don’t have money to pay for an army of stuntmen. So you get to exorcise with your bare hands.
Sam: And how about Dean? How do I bring him back without my army?
Eric: You don’t have to. He will come back on his own.
Dean, interested: Really? Like our Dad did?
Eric: Ummm. No. Last time we filmed the opening of Hell Gates, the CGI cost a fortune. So you’ll just...crawl out of Hell.
Dean, sceptically: Hell will just...let me go? Just like that?
Eric: An angel of the Lord will grip you tight and raise you from perdition.
Dean, after a thoughtful pause: Right, so now we have an angel?
Eric, please with himself. Yes. Actually we have two!
At that Castiel and Uriel enter. Uriel waves. Castiel studies his coat closely. This is... an original outfit, but rather unimaginative. Am I not supposed to have wings?
Eric: Wings in every scene, too much for our budget. But we’ll show them, just once, so that there's no doubt you have them.
Castiel, implacably: Why are they black?
Eric, taps his pencil on the budget plan Extra discount at the props shop. We got a good deal on them.
Dean, butting in: Why the heck do we need two angels if only one gets me back?
Eric: One of them must be Afro American. You forgot the negative feedback we got when we killed off Gordon?
Dean, smirking: Then there needs to be three of them. Why don't you throw in an angel chick.
Eric: What a w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l idea, dude! She can be a fallen angel, and you can get it on with her as a reward!
Enters Anna.
Dean steps back, wide-eyed: With her?
Eric: Yes! Sam gets it on with a demon, you do the nasty with an angel. Fresh, unexpected and symbolic!
Dean, through gritted teeth: Right. Better switch Uriel for an afro american chick and ....can we skip the getting it on part?
Eric: No way! Sex is mandatory. What will keep the viewers hooked if no CGI, no likable characters? Uriel serves his purpose, too. When the angels butt heads with the demons, he’ll punch the crap put of them!
Uriel, indignantly: Punch? No shit. Listen, buddy, I can smite the whole town; how come you want me go one on one with the demons?
Eric: Dude, were you even listening? All that smiting is going to cost a bundle. Sorry, but you’ll have to manage on your own. And Dean and Sam, if they start egging you to go smiting things, don’t even think about it! If we run out of money, there's be nothing left to film season’s finale!
Dean, helpfully: Let’s suggest I’ve got it on with someone while in Hell, how’ bout that?
Eric, bites the tip of the pencil: While in hell? Hmmm. That's not a bad idea.... /turns to look at the door/ Alistair, what do you say?
Alistair give Dean a long, thorough sweeopver: No problem there, Sir.
Dean steps back closer to Sam, Alistair follows to stay next to him.
Eric: Splendid! /sighs/ Unfortunately, no way we’ll be allowed to air it. If we do, they’ll demand what little money we have, back. So you go rehearse the tell-tale glances, guys...on a secnd thought What an original twist…. Dean sandwiched between a demon and an angel... very refreshing!
Dean, resigned: At least keep me seriously wasted throughout.
Eric:Dean, checking out Castiel opposite him from under his lashes. Eric, dude, I thought that I might instead...
Alistair elbows Dean in the side, whispers: You better shut up or he’ll make you pose on the Impala’s hood like Leo did in Titanic...
Dean clamps his palm over his mouth.
Eric, interested: Titanic? You just gave me another idea…
/end
PS: i wanted to make a multi-character cover for this one, but except Sam and Dean, the rest of the gang just couldnt decide who stands next to whom, Ruby got in a catfight with Anna and Uriel stepped on Alistair's toes and shit went a -smitin'...
So Cas quicklysnapped a pic of Sam and Dean who are still trying to process this fuckery. Then all three of them went for a beer.
:)
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Dean, Sam, Ruby, Anna, Cas&Uriel, Alistair, ERIC KRIPKE
Wordcount: ca 1020
Notes: I've read a similar story on a Russian SPn site, decided to have smthg like that in English because very highly improbably this is how it has happened…some time before 4x01. At least it explains why things are as they are now onscreen...
Crack. Just me being wicked and grouchy.
beta by candygramme
Eric: Guys, I’ve got bad news. We’ve had our budget cut, must obey the cost cutting policy.
Everybody exchanges anxious looks and shaky whispers.
Eric: Ruby, You're going to have to have a new meatsuit. The one you had...not good any more. Too expensive.
Ruby: No way. I’m not taking my clothes off while wearing this. Looks like it’s been comatose for half a year! And I feel like something’s in my mouth all the time.
Eric: You're way too critical. She's got two arms, two legs, what more do you want?
Eric, before Ruby object: Hear this instead: you gotta get down and dirty with Sam! /to himself/ We gotta keep the viewers interested. Somehow.
Ruby: Down and dirty? Wearing this meatsuit? NO WAY! I'm not getting naked wearing that!
Sam, folds his arms on his chest: Dirty with that meatsuit? Not a chance! I can’t. No way.
Eric: Ruby, don’t worry. Everything’s gonna be just fine! All eyes will be on Sam anyway. Ruby chokes with resentment And you, Sam, are gonna be seriously wasted.
Sam, morosely: Don’t think can get wasted enough. And if I do, I won’t be able to get it up, for damned sure. And why would I suddenly get it on with a demon?
Eric, irritatedly: Forget the demon. You are lost and lonely, all you have on your mind is Dean!
Sam, puzzled: You telling me I can imagine she's Dean? There's not enough booze in the world!
Eric, sizzling: That's beside the point! It will be your breaking point, bring your life juices back, and you’ll realize you are not alone and quit hitting the bottle.
Sam, doubtful: Yeah, right. Like hell I will when you're putting me through this.
Eric, dismissively: Great! Then Ruby will teach you to exorcise demons in a special way.
Sam, slowly: Wait a minute. Exorcise? You promised me an army to fight Lilith and set Dean free!
Eric, shrugs: I’m sorry, we don’t have money to pay for an army of stuntmen. So you get to exorcise with your bare hands.
Sam: And how about Dean? How do I bring him back without my army?
Eric: You don’t have to. He will come back on his own.
Dean, interested: Really? Like our Dad did?
Eric: Ummm. No. Last time we filmed the opening of Hell Gates, the CGI cost a fortune. So you’ll just...crawl out of Hell.
Dean, sceptically: Hell will just...let me go? Just like that?
Eric: An angel of the Lord will grip you tight and raise you from perdition.
Dean, after a thoughtful pause: Right, so now we have an angel?
Eric, please with himself. Yes. Actually we have two!
At that Castiel and Uriel enter. Uriel waves. Castiel studies his coat closely. This is... an original outfit, but rather unimaginative. Am I not supposed to have wings?
Eric: Wings in every scene, too much for our budget. But we’ll show them, just once, so that there's no doubt you have them.
Castiel, implacably: Why are they black?
Eric, taps his pencil on the budget plan Extra discount at the props shop. We got a good deal on them.
Dean, butting in: Why the heck do we need two angels if only one gets me back?
Eric: One of them must be Afro American. You forgot the negative feedback we got when we killed off Gordon?
Dean, smirking: Then there needs to be three of them. Why don't you throw in an angel chick.
Eric: What a w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l idea, dude! She can be a fallen angel, and you can get it on with her as a reward!
Enters Anna.
Dean steps back, wide-eyed: With her?
Eric: Yes! Sam gets it on with a demon, you do the nasty with an angel. Fresh, unexpected and symbolic!
Dean, through gritted teeth: Right. Better switch Uriel for an afro american chick and ....can we skip the getting it on part?
Eric: No way! Sex is mandatory. What will keep the viewers hooked if no CGI, no likable characters? Uriel serves his purpose, too. When the angels butt heads with the demons, he’ll punch the crap put of them!
Uriel, indignantly: Punch? No shit. Listen, buddy, I can smite the whole town; how come you want me go one on one with the demons?
Eric: Dude, were you even listening? All that smiting is going to cost a bundle. Sorry, but you’ll have to manage on your own. And Dean and Sam, if they start egging you to go smiting things, don’t even think about it! If we run out of money, there's be nothing left to film season’s finale!
Dean, helpfully: Let’s suggest I’ve got it on with someone while in Hell, how’ bout that?
Eric, bites the tip of the pencil: While in hell? Hmmm. That's not a bad idea.... /turns to look at the door/ Alistair, what do you say?
Alistair give Dean a long, thorough sweeopver: No problem there, Sir.
Dean steps back closer to Sam, Alistair follows to stay next to him.
Eric: Splendid! /sighs/ Unfortunately, no way we’ll be allowed to air it. If we do, they’ll demand what little money we have, back. So you go rehearse the tell-tale glances, guys...on a secnd thought What an original twist…. Dean sandwiched between a demon and an angel... very refreshing!
Dean, resigned: At least keep me seriously wasted throughout.
Eric:Dean, checking out Castiel opposite him from under his lashes. Eric, dude, I thought that I might instead...
Alistair elbows Dean in the side, whispers: You better shut up or he’ll make you pose on the Impala’s hood like Leo did in Titanic...
Dean clamps his palm over his mouth.
Eric, interested: Titanic? You just gave me another idea…
/end
PS: i wanted to make a multi-character cover for this one, but except Sam and Dean, the rest of the gang just couldnt decide who stands next to whom, Ruby got in a catfight with Anna and Uriel stepped on Alistair's toes and shit went a -smitin'...
So Cas quicklysnapped a pic of Sam and Dean who are still trying to process this fuckery. Then all three of them went for a beer.
:)