(no subject)
the calm in the storm.
You know, I used to read through the Psalms like it was almost a distant fairy tale I had no real connection with. I knew David faced lions and tigers and mighty armies and I knew his enemies chased him with the brutal goal of ending his life. I knew there were times David couldn’t see his help, but simply trusted in God that it was coming. It was all nice and written beautifully, and I would nod my head and say “yeah, that’s good” when a Psalm was talked about in church. But really and truthfully, it was going through the motions because I didn’t know anything David felt. How could I? I’ve never faced the things David had to face. I’ve never been staring into the eyes of a beast that could tear me in half with just one bite. I’ve never been surrounded by crowds of people on a mission against my life. I’ve never been forced to live inside of cave after cave, hiding from those who seek me to kill me. God knows my life wasn’t at all perfect, but it wasn’t difficult either. I came from a broken home with a father who wasn’t around and a mother who tried to compensate for the loss. I came from a sexually abused and used childhood, a place where my peers tormented and teased me. I came from depression and God is always working on my self-loathing. But none the less, it wasn’t difficult. God has always granted me peace during healing and restoration. It’s always been a quick work and I’ve never had to cry out in pain and agony. I’m not bragging, God works how He desires to work and that’s just how He’s always desired to work in me.
Until now, I’m discovering. Lately I have been feeling nothing but pain and hurt in my heart. I’m going through a period in my life where God is weeding out the things He doesn’t like in me - or that I’m involved in. I’ve had to drop activities and habits I’ve done for years because frankly, it’s time for me to grow up. It’s time to discover who I really am in God and move in the things God has planned for my life. Since the end of last year, God’s been preparing me for this season - not so much giving me time to discover ways out of it, but just warning me that it’s about to happen. I thought I was ready for the pain it was going to create. And I knew there would be pain because it’s a sacrifice to God to have more of Him in my life. Any sacrifice bears pain. I thought I could handle the separation and the division from the world I once knew, but I’m discovering that unless I’m fully relying and leaning on God… I can’t. I literally tremble inside as the strongholds are broken off of my life. I’ve never gone through such pain before. I know that in the end, it’ll be worth it. But I can’t see that end right now. It feels like I’m going to be struggling and battling with this for the rest of my life. My habits and extra-curricular activities weren’t by any means bad; they were just things God didn’t want in my life any more. I know that as a fact, but that doesn’t lessen how much it hurts. I don’t think I will be able to ever express in the proper words how much it hurts. But it hurts - a lot.
Reading through Psalms now, so much stands out to me. The cries that David wrote about; I cry those very cries of desperation and help. God, I’m nothing without You. God, if I don’t have You then I will truly perish. My enemies will swallow me with their razor-sharp words that cut like fire through my bones. God, I need to feel You every second of every day or I will slip away from Your grasp. I need You more than ever, Lord. Hear my cries, see these tears I shed on a daily basis, feel this withering heart beating only to feel Your touch again. Show me mercy, show me grace, show me You’re surrounding me. I can do nothing without You. But with You, I can do anything. Help me through this, God.
Those are just some of the things I cry out to Him several times a day. Though I might not be standing before a real lion, it feels as if I’m standing face to face with something just as powerful. I’m beginning to understand David. There are scriptures in the book of Psalms that I’ve read time and time again before, but now they’re sparking inside of my spirit. Oh. Oh, Lord. I get it. When David praised You for turning an ear to him and finally answering his call by hiding him in the shadow of Your wings - I understand that feeling now. It’s a beautiful feeling; it’s a calm place where the cool winds soothe your soul and every tear falling from your eyes is caught inside His very palms. He holds you close, you can feel Him stronger than You ever could before. You feel His very presence next to you, so much so that you’re sure you can feel His heart beating in time with yours. What have I done to deserve such a close peace? Nothing - that’s the beauty of it. I simply asked for it and He appeared. Tonight I told Him, “Lord I know I’m nowhere close to where You want me to be,” and before I could say any more He cut me off. He asked me, “How do you know that? How do you know you’re not right where I want you to be?” He doesn’t expect me to be perfect - He created me; He knows I will never be perfect. He knows that if we wait until everything is perfect in our lives to finally search for Him, we’ll never search for Him. The only thing He expects me to do is let Him do what He needs to do in my heart. Yes, it’s painful. Yes, it feels like the storm is raging on every side of me and sometimes it even feels like I’m drowning in the waves that crash over my weakened body. But I read something about the storm today in Psalms. It’s something David wrote in regards to God answering his cries for help and how God reacted.
"He parted the heavens and came down; dark storm clouds were beneath His feet. Mounted on a mighty angelic being, He flew, soaring on the wings of the wind. He shrouded Himself in darkness, veiling His approach with dark rain clouds." Psalms 18:9-11
Veiling His approach with dark rain clouds. Hm. This part of the passage really hit me hard. Veiling His approach with dark rain clouds? Sometimes what looks like an unstoppable force of a storm is God in disguise. And sometimes that storm isn’t for you, but to defeat your enemies. Don’t be so quick to get rid of the storm; you never know the blessing inside of it until you’re going through it. God Himself might be waiting there inside of it. Suddenly my storm doesn’t seem so bad. Yes, it’s hard and there are moments that weaken me during my day but I trust God is in control of this storm. I trust that He won’t let it consume me. I trust that He knows my strengths and weaknesses and if He’s allowing this to hurt so bad, it’s because He knows it will sharpen me and create new character in me. I trust that God will not leave me nor forsake me, but instead He will rise me up on His wings, hiding me in the shadow so when my enemies search the earth for me - they can’t find me. And at just the right moment, I trust that God will flood my enemies with rain and thunder and lightning and never again will I have to hide from them. Restore this life to You, God. In the name of Jesus; Amen.
I want to leave you with something my Pastor said one day in church. He said that sometimes we feel so much pressure against us because God knows it’ll get us to cry out to Him. And if we are crying out to Him, then He can answer our cries. And He will because God is faithful. His faithfulness will leave you in a breathless awe and fearful amazement every day, just like it has me. Never once has God given up on me. And when I felt so far away from Him, His arms never ceased to be wide open for me to crawl into. Don’t fear the storm. Cry out to God and let Him work in your life.