crack fic btvs/tvd
Alaric owns a store specializing in gear for vampire hunters.
To: alaric@garlicisforlosers.com
From: buffysmonster@slayercentral.org
To the WANKER who sold a certain brooding hulk the ugliest piece of crap jewelry in pretty much the history of ever: I am extremely dissatisfied with your service. I would like to return the Champion Maker 3000 as defective. Not only did this item cause me to SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST thereby ruining the single most romantic moment of my UNLIFE, I had to look like bloody Elizabeth Taylor after a Silpada party! And THEN when I thought I had set the Automatic Return-To-Unlife Location for "wherever Buffy Summers is, preferably when she is naked" I end up in the Great Forehead's office as a BLOODY GHOST. I demand that you refund me the purchase price of this item, the bloody poofter doesn't need the money what with him being head of Evil Incorporated now. And I fancy one of those rings. You know, the one that damonluvselena@mysticfalls.net was raving about. Keeps you undead, even in the sun? Had one of those once. Anyways, Buffy said I was to be polite and not threaten to have Red put a spell on you so you "kill people in your sleep". You can send the ring to:
William The Bloody
c/o Slayer Central
Great Hulking Castle With Sheep
Scotland
P.S. Heard a rumor that Klaus "The Original" was headed your way. He's bad news. Steals your women and eats your hot wings.
To: alaric@garlicisforlosers.com
From: buffysmonster@slayercentral.org
To the WANKER who sold a certain brooding hulk the ugliest piece of crap jewelry in pretty much the history of ever: I am extremely dissatisfied with your service. I would like to return the Champion Maker 3000 as defective. Not only did this item cause me to SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST thereby ruining the single most romantic moment of my UNLIFE, I had to look like bloody Elizabeth Taylor after a Silpada party! And THEN when I thought I had set the Automatic Return-To-Unlife Location for "wherever Buffy Summers is, preferably when she is naked" I end up in the Great Forehead's office as a BLOODY GHOST. I demand that you refund me the purchase price of this item, the bloody poofter doesn't need the money what with him being head of Evil Incorporated now. And I fancy one of those rings. You know, the one that damonluvselena@mysticfalls.net was raving about. Keeps you undead, even in the sun? Had one of those once. Anyways, Buffy said I was to be polite and not threaten to have Red put a spell on you so you "kill people in your sleep". You can send the ring to:
William The Bloody
c/o Slayer Central
Great Hulking Castle With Sheep
Scotland
P.S. Heard a rumor that Klaus "The Original" was headed your way. He's bad news. Steals your women and eats your hot wings.