Letting off some steam
There is just so much frustration. I thought I was done with all of this. All of these feelings of inadequacies. So tired of being the one following others and trying to get there attention. Making excuses to call, or text, or message. I wish I wasn't so reliant on how others view me, on how they feel about my actions and what I do. For the past few months I have felt so happy. For once I felt like I was around people who wanted to hang out with me just as much I wanted to hang out with them, but like always, this view was shattered. I always get too attached. Too reliant on that other persons presence, on there smile or presence to get me through the days. Every moment they don't text back I am worried that they secretly hate me or don't like me as much and are just avoiding me. Or trying to make excuses for not being with me. Truly, who would want to spend as much time with me as I do with them? My presence is not really worth much. Others are not comforted by me in the way that I am comforted by them. I feel so needy, so codependent. I hate feeling this way. I wish I could just make myself an island, not care who is there or what they think of me. Not analyze everything I say and everything that they say, looking for some discrete message hidden in these words of exchange. Peoples words say more to me then they mean to.
I don't want to do this, but I do.
I don't want to think about people constantly
I don't want to imagine what they are saying
I don't want to wonder if they are thinking about me
I don't want to be the one to always initiate conversations
I don't want to feel like I am needy, always wanting to be by there side
I don't want to care so much what they think of me and the decisions I have made with my life
I don't want to get so attached.
I don't want to be me.
I get too attached, and I know that, but I can't help it. I wish that I could just throw away all of my insecurities, not care about people and just study all of the time. Become someone smart and care more about school and grades. It scares me how much I don't really care anymore. I used to love studying, learning, and feeling like I am smart. But I am not. College is a reality check. I am not above average intelligence, I am not even average, I am below average. an insignificant little flea in this huge world full of people with ambitions and hopes and real worthwhile reasons for being alive. Not me. I am here hoping that someone will want me in any way. I am willing to do so much for that, so much that I shouldn't do. I feel like my only purpose in life is to support others, but I want to be supported too.
Do you know what I am really sick of? I am sick of feeling embarrassed for showing people that I care, or showing them that I want to spend time with them. Why is it a bad thing that I want to be with them? Why should I have to temper my feelings and not reveal too much? Why is it not socially acceptable to just say how you feel and what you want from a situation? My feelings should matter too. But they don't. Not to me and not to others. I have resigned myself to this, but every once in a while it just makes me feel like crying. That is how I feel now. just like rolling up into a ball in bed and crying myself to sleep until I just don't wake up anymore.
College feels so real this quarter. So much has happened in so little time and most of it reminds me that this is real life. This isn't just some game that we can get a do over if we mess up. When we mess up, there are consequences, even when we don't mess up there are consequences. Things that seem to happen only in movies or only to other people in some distant world, those unfortunate people are sad to read and hear about, but really I think it could never happen to me or someone I know, that makes me sound horrible, but it is the truth. Well, they do happen, and when they do, it is terrifying. Just terrible and so scary. I want to help, but I don't want to pry. I want to help relieve some of the pain, but I don't know if I can. I don't know how much to say or do. I don't know whether I am being helpful or just annoying. So what do I do? Sit back and let things progress, or do I just keep on nagging?
I tell myself that I won't text someone or contact them unless they contact me first, but I can't. I just go ahead and do it and all that is left is me feeling insecure, sad, and empty. I need that person who wants to be with me just as I want to be with them, who wants to see me whenever possible, and who will be the one to call me first.
I just want to roll up in a ball and cry.
I don't want to do this, but I do.
I don't want to think about people constantly
I don't want to imagine what they are saying
I don't want to wonder if they are thinking about me
I don't want to be the one to always initiate conversations
I don't want to feel like I am needy, always wanting to be by there side
I don't want to care so much what they think of me and the decisions I have made with my life
I don't want to get so attached.
I don't want to be me.
I get too attached, and I know that, but I can't help it. I wish that I could just throw away all of my insecurities, not care about people and just study all of the time. Become someone smart and care more about school and grades. It scares me how much I don't really care anymore. I used to love studying, learning, and feeling like I am smart. But I am not. College is a reality check. I am not above average intelligence, I am not even average, I am below average. an insignificant little flea in this huge world full of people with ambitions and hopes and real worthwhile reasons for being alive. Not me. I am here hoping that someone will want me in any way. I am willing to do so much for that, so much that I shouldn't do. I feel like my only purpose in life is to support others, but I want to be supported too.
Do you know what I am really sick of? I am sick of feeling embarrassed for showing people that I care, or showing them that I want to spend time with them. Why is it a bad thing that I want to be with them? Why should I have to temper my feelings and not reveal too much? Why is it not socially acceptable to just say how you feel and what you want from a situation? My feelings should matter too. But they don't. Not to me and not to others. I have resigned myself to this, but every once in a while it just makes me feel like crying. That is how I feel now. just like rolling up into a ball in bed and crying myself to sleep until I just don't wake up anymore.
College feels so real this quarter. So much has happened in so little time and most of it reminds me that this is real life. This isn't just some game that we can get a do over if we mess up. When we mess up, there are consequences, even when we don't mess up there are consequences. Things that seem to happen only in movies or only to other people in some distant world, those unfortunate people are sad to read and hear about, but really I think it could never happen to me or someone I know, that makes me sound horrible, but it is the truth. Well, they do happen, and when they do, it is terrifying. Just terrible and so scary. I want to help, but I don't want to pry. I want to help relieve some of the pain, but I don't know if I can. I don't know how much to say or do. I don't know whether I am being helpful or just annoying. So what do I do? Sit back and let things progress, or do I just keep on nagging?
I tell myself that I won't text someone or contact them unless they contact me first, but I can't. I just go ahead and do it and all that is left is me feeling insecure, sad, and empty. I need that person who wants to be with me just as I want to be with them, who wants to see me whenever possible, and who will be the one to call me first.
I just want to roll up in a ball and cry.