Freedom
Right now, I have task to perform. I must finish the research project that I should have done two years ago, and I must do it in the next two weeks, because I shall be away for most of August. It's very stressful, and that's actually the biggest problem I have to face. I have come to recognize that I experience stress as a signal that something is wrong and that I have fucked up. Thus, when I feel perfectly normal deadline pressure, I interpret that as a sign that I am bad person, and that I have already screwed up badly, sometimes before I have even started working. The big problem this has created for me is that I attempt to deal with this by avoiding any situation that might be stressful, rather than by accepting the stress itself as OK, and concentrating my energies on accomplishing things.
I'm very pleased to have figured this out, because it has sabotaged my life for as long as I can remember (about 31 years, now). Aside from the short-term obstacle this poses to writing my last paper (and thus getting the degree), the larger problem is that any path that feels worthwhile for my life will stress me out. I need to accept that and move on, or I'll never really live.
Earlier today, my sweetie posted this in her LJ:
"The cycle needs to end here. I am more free than I have ever been in my whole life. I want to learn to live with that."
When I have the MA, I want to get a job, so that I can cover my own expenses. When I have done these two things, I, too, will be more free than I have ever been before. I find this a dizzying prospect.
In the short term, anyone who wants to hang out and be a study buddy is welcome to get in touch.
I'm very pleased to have figured this out, because it has sabotaged my life for as long as I can remember (about 31 years, now). Aside from the short-term obstacle this poses to writing my last paper (and thus getting the degree), the larger problem is that any path that feels worthwhile for my life will stress me out. I need to accept that and move on, or I'll never really live.
Earlier today, my sweetie posted this in her LJ:
"The cycle needs to end here. I am more free than I have ever been in my whole life. I want to learn to live with that."
When I have the MA, I want to get a job, so that I can cover my own expenses. When I have done these two things, I, too, will be more free than I have ever been before. I find this a dizzying prospect.
In the short term, anyone who wants to hang out and be a study buddy is welcome to get in touch.