Resolution, and some other things.
Well, it's been 4 months since I made contact with Grounded again. I saw her around my birthday, and then she went away on vacation. I've been waiting for her to contact me since then, and she hasn't, which disappoints me. I got in touch with her because I still had powerful feelings for her, left over from our time together 18 years ago. Since then, I have seen her a few times, and I have taken pains to carefully examine my heart, and I feel confident that I love her. I'm at a loss to explain just why, or how I know, but I feel it profoundly. Being with her makes me happy, and I want to be with her through thick and thin, for the rest of my life. I understand that that is a huge commitment, and I can only dimly imagine where that will take me (us!) if we take the journey together.
What I do know is that I trust my subconscious. I could give it more time, I could hang back and wait some more, but the only reason to do so would be because I refuse to believe in myself. I have always been a good judge of character, and I have worked hard over the past 25 years to understand my feelings, and it's paid off. Moreover, while I constantly question myself because I don't want to be obliviously privileged, the truth is I have many fine qualities that would make me a great life partner for her. I'm smart, better educated than most, funny, generous, and compassionate. I'm financially secure. I'm more attuned to my feelings than most men. And (at least in her judgment), I'm even good looking.
So, I'm through hanging back. I'm going to take the plunge, and tell just what I feel and what I want. I don't know how she'll respond, but she'll either reject me (and break my heart again, and then I'll get over it again) or she'll accept me, at least tentatively, and then the adventure will begin (and that's what really scares me, because it could be wonderful.)
In other news, I finally sent in the claim form for Dad's long term care policy, Filthy Assistant friended me on Facebook (yay!), I saw both Cabin In The Woods and Avengers (and loved them both, and I now acknowledge that Joss Whedon may actually merit the hype), and I got three tickets to see Dead Can Dance on August 29 in New York. I'm going, and I don't know who shall accompany me. Anyone who is interested, get in touch and let me know, and I'll figure out who to give them to.
What I do know is that I trust my subconscious. I could give it more time, I could hang back and wait some more, but the only reason to do so would be because I refuse to believe in myself. I have always been a good judge of character, and I have worked hard over the past 25 years to understand my feelings, and it's paid off. Moreover, while I constantly question myself because I don't want to be obliviously privileged, the truth is I have many fine qualities that would make me a great life partner for her. I'm smart, better educated than most, funny, generous, and compassionate. I'm financially secure. I'm more attuned to my feelings than most men. And (at least in her judgment), I'm even good looking.
So, I'm through hanging back. I'm going to take the plunge, and tell just what I feel and what I want. I don't know how she'll respond, but she'll either reject me (and break my heart again, and then I'll get over it again) or she'll accept me, at least tentatively, and then the adventure will begin (and that's what really scares me, because it could be wonderful.)
In other news, I finally sent in the claim form for Dad's long term care policy, Filthy Assistant friended me on Facebook (yay!), I saw both Cabin In The Woods and Avengers (and loved them both, and I now acknowledge that Joss Whedon may actually merit the hype), and I got three tickets to see Dead Can Dance on August 29 in New York. I'm going, and I don't know who shall accompany me. Anyone who is interested, get in touch and let me know, and I'll figure out who to give them to.