Am I lost?
I really want to work on my paper right now but it seems i can´t concentrate as my mind is thinking about a zillion number of things all at once. I just read the reflections of one my compatriotas in his online blog and I couldn´t help but reflect on things myself. He mentions of the things he misses at home and I couldn´t help but wonder will he go home eventually even if at times I overhear him talking to one our paisanas that he has plans of staying and working here. I am really confused. Sometimes I even feel lost. I mean prior to going here I only had about 2 years of working experience and I dunno if that would be enough for me to eventually venture into the Spanish Job Market. I don´t even know if I have market value here. There are 5 filipinos here in the dorm, 3 of them are already in their 30´s with plenty of work experience to boot.Then there´s Kim, who is the youngest and is sort of a recent graduate. Eventhough we´re around the same age, we still have our differences. I guess I am the one who´s in the middle of things. Neither here nor there. There are times when I feel so left out of things and I can´t relate to any of them. I don´t know if it´s just the age factor or who knows what but sometimes I just feel so alone but then again I could also look at it as a challenge for me to be stonger and discover my own strengths and find an identity for myself. Sometimes I like being alone but there are times when I crave for companionship and long talks to assure me that I am not alone and I am doing something right. At times too I am not sure where I am from. I know that by blood and birth I am Filipino but I find it weird sometimes, especially now I am here in Spain, when I speak in english it´s tainted with an American accent and yet when I switch to Spanish there are days when it sounds Mexican, others Costa Rican but sometimes its just neutral . Is this normal? It´s when I am walking on the streets of Madrid and stop to ask for directions and it´s the moment I speak that I realize that I am in a foreign land and not back home. I am suddenly disoriented ( orient, the art of the world where I am from, being the key word hehehehe). I stop and think, Woah, wait, there´s something wrong with this picture. What is this little brown girl with a weird accent doing amidst tall caucasians with their aquiline noses? What´s weirder is that I actually understood the concert I attended during this Brazilian Week Festival a couple of months ago even if it was in Portugeuse while Beatrix the Austrian who was with me didnt undertand ni una palabra. Shit, is that scary and get this when some of the dormers here who speak Arabic start speaking I could actually decipher what they´re talking about. Okay okay I admit there were some "context clues" ´ The Filipino representation here in the dorm who are in their 30´s have worked for local companies/projects so they have more or less have local orientation, although I believe they have had international partners as well. I on the other hand,in my brief experience en el mundo laboral was exposed more to the American Market, working the phone lines. I didt have the normal working hours, always working the night shift back in Manila. I experienced normalcy once though when I was transferred to the day shift and there was once a time when I worked as a research assistant for the Dean in my alma mater. Work was made tolearable my co-workers who were in the same night boat as I was. It was fun actually even if the weird hours could actually drive one crazy. Pay was great, I got to buy stuff I wanted and felt some degree of "independence" but you got nil in terms of spending quality time with family, friends and enjoying life in general. It made me think there must be more in life than this. Now I am here in Spain as a student and scared to death what will happen to me after my studies. Mom keeps reassuring me that there are many things waiting for me back home but what if I want to try it out here or other places as well? Will they want me? I dunno Ojala... More thoughts later. Not feeling profound. I think I should go into greeting cards writing or better yet Supermarket Catalogue/s writing.