Originally posted on Facebook April 7th 2013
ATTENTION review this post maybe viewed as a nonsensical rambling confessional excerpt of the faux tell all mockumentary the GvG! behind the mystery... the Chequamawood true life story of Michael Grimm Moore von Gaysen looking back moving forward breaking the garlands of compunction”. WARNING: What follows is perhaps the result of a new antidepressant I was recently prescribed and a nip of cognac and brandy infused grapes could be a possible contributing factor, alas In vivo verities.
Hearing about the Ashland youth that took his own life has stirred something within my being. PLEASE NOTE : My statement here and now is something I have never expressed and rein an ego inflicted sentence to haul many colossal weights upon my soul. What follows is a mere sharing of my personal experience with similar sense to the emotional and not inferring or speculating on any of the specifics that lead to this tragedy.
Where to start... A place, unimaginable to most cosmopolitans and the entirety of existence to a few. Now envision this a necromantic sanctuary to the hyperborean which occupies the shoreline of pristine waters which has for much of time remained mostly sequestered from the outside wicked ways of man that has flowed through much of the world. an Intrinsic by the grace of mother gaia herself which she entrusted the duty to watched over and protect this oasis to the great guardian spirit we have come to call gitchagumee. well founded it may, yet his mighty shield of protection is not impermeable This is not an utopian society by any means. the waves of good and evil flow through out all of time and space and must be understood as only a perception based on viewpoints as illistrated by buddha’s farmer parable. The intent is not stir or importunes on your emotions. It is merely assist with the releasing the hold these recollections have had on me these years.
Now it may not seem as so but I too felt very lonely and isolated at a time in the corridors of AHS. Not to say i don’t carry fond memories, but during the teen years when i was trying to come to terms with my sexual identity caused a great turbulent sea of confusion and dark often brutally depressing denial. All this when one is trying to figure out who one is to the world. With out my gayness i was awkward enough in my thoughts and perspectives of the world. I had no one to turn to in any direction. I had a loving family, more gifts then hugs. I never would imagine burdening them with my issues and concerns topped with the fear of disownment. One fact that remained is that I was true to myself... I was just I, odd eccentric, atypical, albeit, in constant fear I would be identified as a Homo. What precipitated it more so is seeing the beastly situation befalling Jamie Nabozny a fellow student only a couple years my elder who was of a similar persuasion. I still dressed just as I always have and still do, eccentrically, however, the weight of it all had desecrated and reverberating effects thought my life even to this day. As some remember, back in the younger days I did like to indulge in the forbidden nector we now know as libations and copious quantities at that. I was a poor student, started coming to school less and less as the depression built. Part of the problem was first; i would get extremely bored although I have since a very early age had a lust for learning along with abudant curiousity of the world. Never have i been accused of being unus multorum is for certain. When i was younger i had great natural athletic abilities yet i stirred away from sports. I did make an attempt my freshman year with football but dropped blamed on the real fear my grandmother had but if need be I certainly could of dealt with it. My fear that overwhelmed me is my own over critiical thinking that being in a locker room one might suspect me making glances or the fact of the possibility that i might actually look due to human nature. Junior year as some might remember i left for a bit. It was to try to spend some time with my stepfather, the only father i ever knew in hopes he might set me straight and show me how to be a man. I never fled from any incident i just have never had any concept of money and still don’t to this day. I never thought that i was misallocating any funds from the trusted office i held with the village project. I figured i would get a grandma check to reimburse the organization. One my say why not go to grandma directly. With what reasoning, i could not admit to the true nature of traveling to superior. The embarrassments and weight steadily increased. Judge Eaton once said I was a truly good beyond belief or one of the best con artiest he had ever seen. For missing school i was sent to juvey as punishment for not adhering to court mandate, then upon return all the gossip due to the court reporter James Bandrek talking of these legal affairs to he son and others. The sheer mortification caused me to have very dark thoughts of an abrupt end to it all. Maybe my reckless behavior was a type of passive suicide. Next because my weakness i was unable to graduate with my class in 1996, something that has not till this day been admitted to or acknowledged due to my own twisted shame. But after i tried to face head on the humiliation of returning to graduate, to be a 13th grader. I failed due to my weakness with that endeavor. From step one the ridicule by administration publicly calling attention to time and time again caused great shame even with a great start. I am a very intelligent person. But for the longest time doubted my self because of those experiences wore an invisible dunce cap. I am a drop out. (Main reason I scheduled my relocation and new office set up during the reunion due to fear some might say i do not belong since i never graduated) as soon as i could i took the HSED test and pasted with exceptional scores just as all my standardized test scores from the beginning. College I wanted to leave ashland but due to my inability to divulged the truth in my reasoning to my grandmother for going to a university in a larger city, i was guided passively to northland college where i were my soul was imprisoned mostly but my misguided perceptive and fear of total isolation. Michael Saarinen held out a hand to help by offering that if i could pull straight A the first couple semesters he with his position or work study in the admission office of Columbia said he MIGHT be able to get me accepted. I have ever been so grateful for his words of encouragement that never have been forgotten. I just viewed myself pretty worthless and undeserving if not convinced why would Ivy League accept a DROPOUT failure. I was not Mr. Mattson’s A student who would go to Madison, not any longer truly be typecast as a B student who would roam the halls of Northland College. I feared that I would be lucky to be accepted into the likes of some mail order correspondence course where i may of become a private investigator or /??? Hmm i only remember PI but know they had apple offerings. After my grandmother passed I felt now i was free to explore the world and myself to grow as an individual in all aspects. Shortly before my grandmother passed I had the courage to admit or come out if you will to those i knew. The very last two my grandmother and then my mother. It took multitudinous masses of martinis to build the liquid courage to face the unknown. Either the end to what i have always known as my clan, my roots and be completely adrift forlorn. I had a cryptic why of presenting the pieces to the puzzle allowing the other individual to put it together the complete picture independently. Addressing my immediate family three sheets to the wind calling at 10am completely piflicated saying hey gram whats up, btw I am gay. That fast. Same with my mother who was the last i had to come clean to about my deviant secret. I admit I did have some surprises. For instance Travis Tody, dopey, and rich Neff and I were drinking one morning and went and hiked mt baldy while enjoying the sight and beverages the topic came up round a boutly about being gay, and they say and even if you were it is fine, this is no issue. Even with that positive reinforce i still full heartedly denied the allegation. There was no malice behind her statement just exception of a man she knew since she was in a walker and an infant. Another time that sticks so predominantly in my mind was a Christmas in ashland at Scott and Arries trivia bar while i was having a chat with Michael Saarinen when Colleen Garness, who i adore to my final day, inevitably said well are you gay, and in shock and horror i replied what kind of nonsense and utter rot, such an idea is appalling to be one of those dandies who are light in the loafers. Another unforgettable experience was Bob Mackey coming up to me in a bar and told me that so and so was suggesting if i was gay and he . Him for, ye i denied it because i feared what would bobby think, the boy i use to play with in the ravens of Northland College. I have carried the shackles of my perceptions of being some degenerate criminal, which i think this is an active arrest bench warrant in Ashland Wisconsin thanks to a drunken situation. The flowing aqua vitea can have an abrasive affect on the constitution and judgment of individuals. Id est one who held high spirits natheless an amaroidal amigo that is no stranger to both sides of the coin when it comes to maltreat. It is incredible what a $20.00 check which was blown completely out of proposition and aided by mistake in the clerk of courts office where my grandmother always paid all my speeding and misc tickets and due to some mistake of DA Sean Duffy it wasn’t paid and i was unaware of it until just recent couple of years. The chains of incompetence forged with failure with never experiencing a rite of passage with my brothers and sisters of 1996. At a point i was elected ad installed as Exalted ruler of the ashland Elks lodge # 137 of the BPOE which i resigned just before the centennial anniversary of the creation of the Wisconsin elk, but perhaps my (fatty) pic and letter was in the records and the program. I resigned because being blessed with great holistic perspective and forecasting I saw this was a group of compliance sheep with one wearing a pretty bell engraved for certain with a juvenile pattern most would see high school athletes wearing on game day who made a great power play, which i put no fight to because in my view the cause of hopeless. At my final luncheon with a few of the board of governor’s I share my final assessment was that they were foolishly shortsighted and wore blinders (stated indirectly) and that the only suitable course of action due to decision made far before my term was to make prep for selling golf course and saving the lodge as an entity. I was never respected, my conjecture and recommended course of action to counter flowing rivers of over trends fell on deaf ears due to my age being one factor and guided blindly a oh so sweet siren song. I lost faith in myself and also in Elkdom, I am sure the sheep that took my spot who once told me it was inappropriate to wear a bowtie and to make sure I wear a presentable four in hand for my portrait as he was clad in some space jam Looney cartoony necktie. I know this man of limited potential and shortsightedness whom had high hopes that year for Ashland’s man of the years. Misguided aspirations I can only hope that the one holding his ignis fatuus in a full nelson with all his might that lead to his pyrrhic victory over me and sure countless other that may it has help him feel that is has left his mark and give him that piece of mind he so grasped for to validate his existence.
It took me many years to return to the garland city in fear of what type of welcome would greet me upon arrival. Happily it was with open arms. Now I carry the shame of being to weak of character to admit who I was, and not having faith in the inidividuals who we share the most precious fleeting resource most will know on this plane of existence... time ...tempus fugit. All you oredockers, you must know Ashland is more then a community. It is a large family. We are all connected, and have stories and shared experiences. Living in New York City among numerous other cities through this country and in my travels I have seen the true down fall of society overall. The break down of community, of family for that is what communities are in true essence. We might not always see eye to eye, or agree. We might fight and we will forgive. Edith Wharton’s family are the ones that the expression “keeping up with the Jones” orginated from and I see it sewen into the fabaric of our society. It is a major cause of waste, a waste of resources, capital, energy. People should only care what can make them happy, and have items that have utility and reflect the individual personalities... that folks is the secret to life, and I tell you it is not about 14 cars in the garage, or specific items for just the sake of name. stockpiling of material goods for the sake of just having them is true insanity. Now True happiness is realized that final day we all will experience. Death is not a matter of if, it is a matter of when! and When the reaper comes and you are taking you final breath you thoughts will not be on anything material. They will be filled with memories of experience, and the people we shared this time
In life Only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain all experience and the individuals that touch us are part of us, it is what comprises the composition of us in essentia.
We forge the chains we wear in life, however, one can Sever the chains of the ego resulting in Setting oneself free to experience the lustrous of the of one own quintessence
Remember, always give your best. Never get discouraged. Never be petty. Always remember, others may hate you. But those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.”
I am not sure what exact perception of yours truly the populace hold. I am sure it varies on the stages they experienced my quiddity.
Hearing about the Ashland youth that took his own life has stirred something within my being. PLEASE NOTE : My statement here and now is something I have never expressed and rein an ego inflicted sentence to haul many colossal weights upon my soul. What follows is a mere sharing of my personal experience with similar sense to the emotional and not inferring or speculating on any of the specifics that lead to this tragedy.
Where to start... A place, unimaginable to most cosmopolitans and the entirety of existence to a few. Now envision this a necromantic sanctuary to the hyperborean which occupies the shoreline of pristine waters which has for much of time remained mostly sequestered from the outside wicked ways of man that has flowed through much of the world. an Intrinsic by the grace of mother gaia herself which she entrusted the duty to watched over and protect this oasis to the great guardian spirit we have come to call gitchagumee. well founded it may, yet his mighty shield of protection is not impermeable This is not an utopian society by any means. the waves of good and evil flow through out all of time and space and must be understood as only a perception based on viewpoints as illistrated by buddha’s farmer parable. The intent is not stir or importunes on your emotions. It is merely assist with the releasing the hold these recollections have had on me these years.
Now it may not seem as so but I too felt very lonely and isolated at a time in the corridors of AHS. Not to say i don’t carry fond memories, but during the teen years when i was trying to come to terms with my sexual identity caused a great turbulent sea of confusion and dark often brutally depressing denial. All this when one is trying to figure out who one is to the world. With out my gayness i was awkward enough in my thoughts and perspectives of the world. I had no one to turn to in any direction. I had a loving family, more gifts then hugs. I never would imagine burdening them with my issues and concerns topped with the fear of disownment. One fact that remained is that I was true to myself... I was just I, odd eccentric, atypical, albeit, in constant fear I would be identified as a Homo. What precipitated it more so is seeing the beastly situation befalling Jamie Nabozny a fellow student only a couple years my elder who was of a similar persuasion. I still dressed just as I always have and still do, eccentrically, however, the weight of it all had desecrated and reverberating effects thought my life even to this day. As some remember, back in the younger days I did like to indulge in the forbidden nector we now know as libations and copious quantities at that. I was a poor student, started coming to school less and less as the depression built. Part of the problem was first; i would get extremely bored although I have since a very early age had a lust for learning along with abudant curiousity of the world. Never have i been accused of being unus multorum is for certain. When i was younger i had great natural athletic abilities yet i stirred away from sports. I did make an attempt my freshman year with football but dropped blamed on the real fear my grandmother had but if need be I certainly could of dealt with it. My fear that overwhelmed me is my own over critiical thinking that being in a locker room one might suspect me making glances or the fact of the possibility that i might actually look due to human nature. Junior year as some might remember i left for a bit. It was to try to spend some time with my stepfather, the only father i ever knew in hopes he might set me straight and show me how to be a man. I never fled from any incident i just have never had any concept of money and still don’t to this day. I never thought that i was misallocating any funds from the trusted office i held with the village project. I figured i would get a grandma check to reimburse the organization. One my say why not go to grandma directly. With what reasoning, i could not admit to the true nature of traveling to superior. The embarrassments and weight steadily increased. Judge Eaton once said I was a truly good beyond belief or one of the best con artiest he had ever seen. For missing school i was sent to juvey as punishment for not adhering to court mandate, then upon return all the gossip due to the court reporter James Bandrek talking of these legal affairs to he son and others. The sheer mortification caused me to have very dark thoughts of an abrupt end to it all. Maybe my reckless behavior was a type of passive suicide. Next because my weakness i was unable to graduate with my class in 1996, something that has not till this day been admitted to or acknowledged due to my own twisted shame. But after i tried to face head on the humiliation of returning to graduate, to be a 13th grader. I failed due to my weakness with that endeavor. From step one the ridicule by administration publicly calling attention to time and time again caused great shame even with a great start. I am a very intelligent person. But for the longest time doubted my self because of those experiences wore an invisible dunce cap. I am a drop out. (Main reason I scheduled my relocation and new office set up during the reunion due to fear some might say i do not belong since i never graduated) as soon as i could i took the HSED test and pasted with exceptional scores just as all my standardized test scores from the beginning. College I wanted to leave ashland but due to my inability to divulged the truth in my reasoning to my grandmother for going to a university in a larger city, i was guided passively to northland college where i were my soul was imprisoned mostly but my misguided perceptive and fear of total isolation. Michael Saarinen held out a hand to help by offering that if i could pull straight A the first couple semesters he with his position or work study in the admission office of Columbia said he MIGHT be able to get me accepted. I have ever been so grateful for his words of encouragement that never have been forgotten. I just viewed myself pretty worthless and undeserving if not convinced why would Ivy League accept a DROPOUT failure. I was not Mr. Mattson’s A student who would go to Madison, not any longer truly be typecast as a B student who would roam the halls of Northland College. I feared that I would be lucky to be accepted into the likes of some mail order correspondence course where i may of become a private investigator or /??? Hmm i only remember PI but know they had apple offerings. After my grandmother passed I felt now i was free to explore the world and myself to grow as an individual in all aspects. Shortly before my grandmother passed I had the courage to admit or come out if you will to those i knew. The very last two my grandmother and then my mother. It took multitudinous masses of martinis to build the liquid courage to face the unknown. Either the end to what i have always known as my clan, my roots and be completely adrift forlorn. I had a cryptic why of presenting the pieces to the puzzle allowing the other individual to put it together the complete picture independently. Addressing my immediate family three sheets to the wind calling at 10am completely piflicated saying hey gram whats up, btw I am gay. That fast. Same with my mother who was the last i had to come clean to about my deviant secret. I admit I did have some surprises. For instance Travis Tody, dopey, and rich Neff and I were drinking one morning and went and hiked mt baldy while enjoying the sight and beverages the topic came up round a boutly about being gay, and they say and even if you were it is fine, this is no issue. Even with that positive reinforce i still full heartedly denied the allegation. There was no malice behind her statement just exception of a man she knew since she was in a walker and an infant. Another time that sticks so predominantly in my mind was a Christmas in ashland at Scott and Arries trivia bar while i was having a chat with Michael Saarinen when Colleen Garness, who i adore to my final day, inevitably said well are you gay, and in shock and horror i replied what kind of nonsense and utter rot, such an idea is appalling to be one of those dandies who are light in the loafers. Another unforgettable experience was Bob Mackey coming up to me in a bar and told me that so and so was suggesting if i was gay and he . Him for, ye i denied it because i feared what would bobby think, the boy i use to play with in the ravens of Northland College. I have carried the shackles of my perceptions of being some degenerate criminal, which i think this is an active arrest bench warrant in Ashland Wisconsin thanks to a drunken situation. The flowing aqua vitea can have an abrasive affect on the constitution and judgment of individuals. Id est one who held high spirits natheless an amaroidal amigo that is no stranger to both sides of the coin when it comes to maltreat. It is incredible what a $20.00 check which was blown completely out of proposition and aided by mistake in the clerk of courts office where my grandmother always paid all my speeding and misc tickets and due to some mistake of DA Sean Duffy it wasn’t paid and i was unaware of it until just recent couple of years. The chains of incompetence forged with failure with never experiencing a rite of passage with my brothers and sisters of 1996. At a point i was elected ad installed as Exalted ruler of the ashland Elks lodge # 137 of the BPOE which i resigned just before the centennial anniversary of the creation of the Wisconsin elk, but perhaps my (fatty) pic and letter was in the records and the program. I resigned because being blessed with great holistic perspective and forecasting I saw this was a group of compliance sheep with one wearing a pretty bell engraved for certain with a juvenile pattern most would see high school athletes wearing on game day who made a great power play, which i put no fight to because in my view the cause of hopeless. At my final luncheon with a few of the board of governor’s I share my final assessment was that they were foolishly shortsighted and wore blinders (stated indirectly) and that the only suitable course of action due to decision made far before my term was to make prep for selling golf course and saving the lodge as an entity. I was never respected, my conjecture and recommended course of action to counter flowing rivers of over trends fell on deaf ears due to my age being one factor and guided blindly a oh so sweet siren song. I lost faith in myself and also in Elkdom, I am sure the sheep that took my spot who once told me it was inappropriate to wear a bowtie and to make sure I wear a presentable four in hand for my portrait as he was clad in some space jam Looney cartoony necktie. I know this man of limited potential and shortsightedness whom had high hopes that year for Ashland’s man of the years. Misguided aspirations I can only hope that the one holding his ignis fatuus in a full nelson with all his might that lead to his pyrrhic victory over me and sure countless other that may it has help him feel that is has left his mark and give him that piece of mind he so grasped for to validate his existence.
It took me many years to return to the garland city in fear of what type of welcome would greet me upon arrival. Happily it was with open arms. Now I carry the shame of being to weak of character to admit who I was, and not having faith in the inidividuals who we share the most precious fleeting resource most will know on this plane of existence... time ...tempus fugit. All you oredockers, you must know Ashland is more then a community. It is a large family. We are all connected, and have stories and shared experiences. Living in New York City among numerous other cities through this country and in my travels I have seen the true down fall of society overall. The break down of community, of family for that is what communities are in true essence. We might not always see eye to eye, or agree. We might fight and we will forgive. Edith Wharton’s family are the ones that the expression “keeping up with the Jones” orginated from and I see it sewen into the fabaric of our society. It is a major cause of waste, a waste of resources, capital, energy. People should only care what can make them happy, and have items that have utility and reflect the individual personalities... that folks is the secret to life, and I tell you it is not about 14 cars in the garage, or specific items for just the sake of name. stockpiling of material goods for the sake of just having them is true insanity. Now True happiness is realized that final day we all will experience. Death is not a matter of if, it is a matter of when! and When the reaper comes and you are taking you final breath you thoughts will not be on anything material. They will be filled with memories of experience, and the people we shared this time
In life Only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain all experience and the individuals that touch us are part of us, it is what comprises the composition of us in essentia.
We forge the chains we wear in life, however, one can Sever the chains of the ego resulting in Setting oneself free to experience the lustrous of the of one own quintessence
Remember, always give your best. Never get discouraged. Never be petty. Always remember, others may hate you. But those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.”
I am not sure what exact perception of yours truly the populace hold. I am sure it varies on the stages they experienced my quiddity.