(no subject)
Well well well, what have we found here?
Happy June 1st everyone! For people in High school, this means Summatives and Last minute assignments + exams, yuck. I remember those days. Still easier than University though. :p
I had been working out with the dragonboat team, and from the practices, I am now back in shape to train :D. Yay! Finally, can't wait to be back to top shape.
I was just looking over past, and I found out Vanessa Smythe from Haig, was Miss Canada 2003. Holy crap. Wow. I know 2 celebrity :p Arshile Egoyan and Vanessa Smythe :p *marks another notch on the tree outside*
I slept in the park the other day, from the morning to afternoon. Silly me, I have decided to go without sleep to go to morning practice, so as I biked back home some rain has caught me, so I slept in the park in a play hut. I woke up about 4 hours later, and it was all sunny again already. Kids were eyeing me, they are afraid of some random person in the park, or just curious. Oh kids. It was quite chilly, and windy, and I only had T-shirt and shorts on, with a crappy bike. I actually looked like a homeless guy, if I didn't have my backpack. It had holes though, so I wasn't far off :p.
Okay, I want you to stop reading for a second, and remember this feeling you got from reading my post. Did I manage to sell you one of my attempt at faking a mood? Truthfully, did you buy it? It's just a silly question, I want to see if it works. Tell me the truth, did I manage to convince you I was feeling better?
Guess what, I had been thinking again! YAY! Ada is right. Pitying myself is not going to change nothing. I feel no pity for myself anymore. I feel nothing, save the occasional hate that I so often feel. I feel nothing anymore. Now hold on for a second there. I don't mean I feel nothing during the entire time here. That would not be possible. I meant to say I don't feel anything in the real life. I still can feel through movies and books and dreams and music and all that jazz. Just nothing in real life. I don't feel you because you are all unreal. Hahahaha unreal, thats what everything is.
I looked at my brother, he lavishes attention on my sister every now and then, but never teaches her, never goes the extra mile. I pick up after her, teach her life lessons, tell her how to be liked amongst her friends, teach her etiquette and how to be polite, but I don't know how to give her undeserved attention. In the end, who does she listen to more? My brother. Hahaha, that would be the first example.
There is this family friend that we know. Always ask me to go over to help him with things like gardening or moving heavy things. I am there to help, and always polite and all that. He golfs. I don't. My brother does. I don't know if that is the factor, or rather its because my brother had fairer skin, or that he had my mother's "prettier" genes, that guy treats him like another son. However, even though I am there to be his muscle, he is cold to me, never say more than a couple of words every time we meet. Hahaha, there's the second example.
I have been to most of the dragonboat practices. I have been to more practices than any of the coaches. I push myself at every practice, and I try to make it good for the others. I push them to improve themselves, so that they are not just here to work out and get lucky with the opposite sex, so that they improve their mental fortitude as they train. I wake up at 5:45 4 times a week just to go to morning practices, and I have sore muscles all day from the workouts. I cheer them on for the runs, and I run with them. I go with them downtown, and I paddle my best when they are down by people. Yet quite a bit of them see me as this guy who has no life of his own, nothing better to do but to go back to a team where he once belonged. A lot of them don't quite respect me, or my advice to how they would use their muscle groups for maximal efficiency. I loved the team, I really did. I can't do that anymore. That is the third example.
I wanted to give a stronger argument about why I don't care anymore, but I can't. I don't feel like recounting anymore, and so I will stop here. All I can see is that what I try, what I do, what I feel, doesn't change a single thing. I always said I don't want to feel anymore before, but I always had hope. Hope that they could change, hope that I could be more "lovable", hope that I could become what everyone wants me to be. I just can't. I tried, and I can't. So I give up on feeling, or trying. Maybe this time I can manage to stick with it. I will do all the things that I do, I just don't feel you anymore. None of you. I can only be reached through other means, but nothing through real life can really make me feel. I will still be me, and the definition of me has been changed, once again. I will just carry on from day to day, just living the day as it is, and nothing more. I will keep thinking, and I will keep writing in my little notebooks, which documents my mind and life. But you can never tell if what is written here is exactly what I am feeling ever again. If I don't feel you, you cannot feel me. It won't happen.
I am becoming the walking dead, loosely translated into Latin as Spatio silenti. I think. Jenn would know, she's the expert.
Hmmm. Thinking back, I haven't dropped a tear ever since grade 7. I am winning. I have been sad, majorly depressed, but no crying. Okay, maybe except for the times in fights where I got punched in the nose/eyes, which naturally causes the asympathic system to excrete through the tear ducts.
I guess this is the next stage, after the pains of growing up. After feeling so much, we are bound to hit apathy. I always wanted to avoid it, but I guess it's time to become. Maybe after this phase I will transcend to something else. I wouldn't wanna get stuck here.
In other news, my brother has lost his OSAP and therefore have no government loans. None of you know him, so its okay to say this. Otherwise you will look at him in a different light, and I don't want that on my conscience. He's got a new sidejob of selling Cutco knives to people, using a technique known as networking marketing. That means he use one person's contacts to get to other people. I protested this quite a lot, for this is not ethical. He showed me his manual, and it showed him techniques of charming people, and subtle hints of hidden persuasion. I hate this marketing company that he is working for, because they are selling out his credibility like no tomorrow. How will his friends think of him after this? Because once friends become engaged in a business relationship, there is no going back to friends. (that's why Marriage should never keep separate accounts too well defined, but thats another post altogether) They are selling him like a celebrity, to sell products! They are cheapening my brother, and I tried to tell him that. Also, as a student going into politics, if he makes it going into political system, this sidejob of working as a charmer and marketer will set him back, because the other people will not trust his words. My parents see it as an opportunity for him to work up, and I still say its a bad method of working up. Somehow I will learn to let it go too. I recently found out that my mom had always thought that he was doing better in school than me, because of how he sold this image of him studying at school, and his tidy room, and his constant reminder for my parents to not worry about his academics. I found out that my parents always thought that he would do better than me at school, because I am always having problems with teachers in high school and doing the work. I was disappointed to say the least, because my parents couldn't see me trying in school, nor do they recognize the effort. They can only see the messy room and the mood swings, but they cannot see their son trying. I am disappointed. But in time, I will let that go too. You just can't hold on to everything, right?
No, Ada, I am not feeling sorry for myself. I do not feel like I have led a extra-unfortunate life. I just don't care. Carefreeeeeeee now. Woohooo.
I believe I have almost completely let go of Jess and Tim. I did not forgive Tim, but I choose to abort the choice to react to him anymore. Aren't you proud of me?
Happy June 1st everyone! For people in High school, this means Summatives and Last minute assignments + exams, yuck. I remember those days. Still easier than University though. :p
I had been working out with the dragonboat team, and from the practices, I am now back in shape to train :D. Yay! Finally, can't wait to be back to top shape.
I was just looking over past, and I found out Vanessa Smythe from Haig, was Miss Canada 2003. Holy crap. Wow. I know 2 celebrity :p Arshile Egoyan and Vanessa Smythe :p *marks another notch on the tree outside*
I slept in the park the other day, from the morning to afternoon. Silly me, I have decided to go without sleep to go to morning practice, so as I biked back home some rain has caught me, so I slept in the park in a play hut. I woke up about 4 hours later, and it was all sunny again already. Kids were eyeing me, they are afraid of some random person in the park, or just curious. Oh kids. It was quite chilly, and windy, and I only had T-shirt and shorts on, with a crappy bike. I actually looked like a homeless guy, if I didn't have my backpack. It had holes though, so I wasn't far off :p.
Okay, I want you to stop reading for a second, and remember this feeling you got from reading my post. Did I manage to sell you one of my attempt at faking a mood? Truthfully, did you buy it? It's just a silly question, I want to see if it works. Tell me the truth, did I manage to convince you I was feeling better?
Guess what, I had been thinking again! YAY! Ada is right. Pitying myself is not going to change nothing. I feel no pity for myself anymore. I feel nothing, save the occasional hate that I so often feel. I feel nothing anymore. Now hold on for a second there. I don't mean I feel nothing during the entire time here. That would not be possible. I meant to say I don't feel anything in the real life. I still can feel through movies and books and dreams and music and all that jazz. Just nothing in real life. I don't feel you because you are all unreal. Hahahaha unreal, thats what everything is.
I looked at my brother, he lavishes attention on my sister every now and then, but never teaches her, never goes the extra mile. I pick up after her, teach her life lessons, tell her how to be liked amongst her friends, teach her etiquette and how to be polite, but I don't know how to give her undeserved attention. In the end, who does she listen to more? My brother. Hahaha, that would be the first example.
There is this family friend that we know. Always ask me to go over to help him with things like gardening or moving heavy things. I am there to help, and always polite and all that. He golfs. I don't. My brother does. I don't know if that is the factor, or rather its because my brother had fairer skin, or that he had my mother's "prettier" genes, that guy treats him like another son. However, even though I am there to be his muscle, he is cold to me, never say more than a couple of words every time we meet. Hahaha, there's the second example.
I have been to most of the dragonboat practices. I have been to more practices than any of the coaches. I push myself at every practice, and I try to make it good for the others. I push them to improve themselves, so that they are not just here to work out and get lucky with the opposite sex, so that they improve their mental fortitude as they train. I wake up at 5:45 4 times a week just to go to morning practices, and I have sore muscles all day from the workouts. I cheer them on for the runs, and I run with them. I go with them downtown, and I paddle my best when they are down by people. Yet quite a bit of them see me as this guy who has no life of his own, nothing better to do but to go back to a team where he once belonged. A lot of them don't quite respect me, or my advice to how they would use their muscle groups for maximal efficiency. I loved the team, I really did. I can't do that anymore. That is the third example.
I wanted to give a stronger argument about why I don't care anymore, but I can't. I don't feel like recounting anymore, and so I will stop here. All I can see is that what I try, what I do, what I feel, doesn't change a single thing. I always said I don't want to feel anymore before, but I always had hope. Hope that they could change, hope that I could be more "lovable", hope that I could become what everyone wants me to be. I just can't. I tried, and I can't. So I give up on feeling, or trying. Maybe this time I can manage to stick with it. I will do all the things that I do, I just don't feel you anymore. None of you. I can only be reached through other means, but nothing through real life can really make me feel. I will still be me, and the definition of me has been changed, once again. I will just carry on from day to day, just living the day as it is, and nothing more. I will keep thinking, and I will keep writing in my little notebooks, which documents my mind and life. But you can never tell if what is written here is exactly what I am feeling ever again. If I don't feel you, you cannot feel me. It won't happen.
I am becoming the walking dead, loosely translated into Latin as Spatio silenti. I think. Jenn would know, she's the expert.
Hmmm. Thinking back, I haven't dropped a tear ever since grade 7. I am winning. I have been sad, majorly depressed, but no crying. Okay, maybe except for the times in fights where I got punched in the nose/eyes, which naturally causes the asympathic system to excrete through the tear ducts.
I guess this is the next stage, after the pains of growing up. After feeling so much, we are bound to hit apathy. I always wanted to avoid it, but I guess it's time to become. Maybe after this phase I will transcend to something else. I wouldn't wanna get stuck here.
In other news, my brother has lost his OSAP and therefore have no government loans. None of you know him, so its okay to say this. Otherwise you will look at him in a different light, and I don't want that on my conscience. He's got a new sidejob of selling Cutco knives to people, using a technique known as networking marketing. That means he use one person's contacts to get to other people. I protested this quite a lot, for this is not ethical. He showed me his manual, and it showed him techniques of charming people, and subtle hints of hidden persuasion. I hate this marketing company that he is working for, because they are selling out his credibility like no tomorrow. How will his friends think of him after this? Because once friends become engaged in a business relationship, there is no going back to friends. (that's why Marriage should never keep separate accounts too well defined, but thats another post altogether) They are selling him like a celebrity, to sell products! They are cheapening my brother, and I tried to tell him that. Also, as a student going into politics, if he makes it going into political system, this sidejob of working as a charmer and marketer will set him back, because the other people will not trust his words. My parents see it as an opportunity for him to work up, and I still say its a bad method of working up. Somehow I will learn to let it go too. I recently found out that my mom had always thought that he was doing better in school than me, because of how he sold this image of him studying at school, and his tidy room, and his constant reminder for my parents to not worry about his academics. I found out that my parents always thought that he would do better than me at school, because I am always having problems with teachers in high school and doing the work. I was disappointed to say the least, because my parents couldn't see me trying in school, nor do they recognize the effort. They can only see the messy room and the mood swings, but they cannot see their son trying. I am disappointed. But in time, I will let that go too. You just can't hold on to everything, right?
No, Ada, I am not feeling sorry for myself. I do not feel like I have led a extra-unfortunate life. I just don't care. Carefreeeeeeee now. Woohooo.
I believe I have almost completely let go of Jess and Tim. I did not forgive Tim, but I choose to abort the choice to react to him anymore. Aren't you proud of me?