(no subject)
my audition!
it was like Germany invading Poland
it was the glory of making love like an eagle falling out of the sky
it was like the quiet whisper of two leaves having a quarrel over who will pay the bill, or it may have sounded to you like something that isn't a sound at all, like the texture of ants on a log or the blinding taste of sunlight on the hood of a truck.
it put me in third chair! i guess minor scales mean more to the directors! than major scales. which is what i played. damn. but ill have that first chair again. with my yas 23.
I never never never update this. I think people find it more comforting to just write out their entries on paper, if they would think about it. But not everyone has an odd sensitivity to self respect, like I did. or is that just typical insecurity? Writing on paper can feel more meaningful, its just stacks of entries tucked away that nobody else will ever see. It felt more legitimate when I didnt feel like i was writing to an audience, and on paper words seem like they mean more. I didnt like the feeling of adding more to the pile of the internets deadwood.
From time to time i often thought about dignityintegrityselfrespectesteeminsecurityshameangst. where was my niche in the world? where was my individuality? always the drive and the rush to fulfill potential, the desire for what the humanists call "self actualization" and so on. Decreased levels of serotonin, periods of depression, angst, insomnia, bursts of inspiration and activity, and insecurity. I didnt like what i saw, i didnt take pride in what i did. I realized there was so much to know, and it was overwhelming. So I was humble, I was careful, I was self conscious and watchful. I didnt desire. I guess i tried to disappear. but i was ashamed of wasting my life. so it cycled around and around.
Despite those being probably the worst years of my life, they took me where i wanted to go. I pulled myself together though it took a few years. It does not bother me anymore when i think about how big everything is and how relatively small i am. My life is moving on, everything is changing. There are no worries, no insecurities. Im more patient. I feel that i can handle things as they happen. Most things that were wrong, are right. The only thing i wonder about is my capacity for emotion. Its there, but i dont really respond to anything around me anymore. Im always mellow, or in some state of anger. nothing else. the only expression i have for more than that is in music.
thank god ive grown out of teenage angst. or whatever that was.
so im in an odd relationship with a girl. but i have a better idea of what it means now. i dont mind being cast off, or whatever. But uncertainty just bugs me. ive been wondering lately about what people perceive when they see me. what do i look like to other people? you know, what goes on in your head is very different from how people think about you. this whole curiosity doesnt strike me as being self centered or anything, but i never put much thought into considering what people would think. Im not going to change anything though.
Truman Capote said that people who are having a love-sex relationship are continuously lying to each other because the very nature of the relationship demands that they do, because you have to make a love object of this person, which means that you editorialize about them. That you cut out what you dont want to see, you add this if it isnt there. And so therefore you're building a lie.
But that cant be true, right? is the nature of the relationship based on your idolizing of this person? You can still love the person and not editorialize their character. I have never, and would never, cut out what i dont want to see. and im not anything new. I think the only people who build lies about the other are the immature ones. or something. Relationships! bleh.
but i would have to say. that truman capote is my favourite gay man. my second fav would have to be dumbledore. who doesnt love the gays?
Well. now Frau Phillips is dead. fuck. So many of the people i genuinely liked are dead now. Vonnegut, Lengle, Jordan, Gillroy, Phillips, Hall, and Ferguson. and no, im not one to spout of philosophical bullshit about life and death. although i think im more than capable. anyway.
who doesnt think of suicide? nobody. kudos to those who had the grace to do it not out of depression, emotions are no reason to kill yourself.
mein gott, i love my friends. im going to miss them when we all get the hell outta here.
it was like Germany invading Poland
it was the glory of making love like an eagle falling out of the sky
it was like the quiet whisper of two leaves having a quarrel over who will pay the bill, or it may have sounded to you like something that isn't a sound at all, like the texture of ants on a log or the blinding taste of sunlight on the hood of a truck.
it put me in third chair! i guess minor scales mean more to the directors! than major scales. which is what i played. damn. but ill have that first chair again. with my yas 23.
I never never never update this. I think people find it more comforting to just write out their entries on paper, if they would think about it. But not everyone has an odd sensitivity to self respect, like I did. or is that just typical insecurity? Writing on paper can feel more meaningful, its just stacks of entries tucked away that nobody else will ever see. It felt more legitimate when I didnt feel like i was writing to an audience, and on paper words seem like they mean more. I didnt like the feeling of adding more to the pile of the internets deadwood.
From time to time i often thought about dignityintegrityselfrespectesteeminsecurityshameangst. where was my niche in the world? where was my individuality? always the drive and the rush to fulfill potential, the desire for what the humanists call "self actualization" and so on. Decreased levels of serotonin, periods of depression, angst, insomnia, bursts of inspiration and activity, and insecurity. I didnt like what i saw, i didnt take pride in what i did. I realized there was so much to know, and it was overwhelming. So I was humble, I was careful, I was self conscious and watchful. I didnt desire. I guess i tried to disappear. but i was ashamed of wasting my life. so it cycled around and around.
Despite those being probably the worst years of my life, they took me where i wanted to go. I pulled myself together though it took a few years. It does not bother me anymore when i think about how big everything is and how relatively small i am. My life is moving on, everything is changing. There are no worries, no insecurities. Im more patient. I feel that i can handle things as they happen. Most things that were wrong, are right. The only thing i wonder about is my capacity for emotion. Its there, but i dont really respond to anything around me anymore. Im always mellow, or in some state of anger. nothing else. the only expression i have for more than that is in music.
thank god ive grown out of teenage angst. or whatever that was.
so im in an odd relationship with a girl. but i have a better idea of what it means now. i dont mind being cast off, or whatever. But uncertainty just bugs me. ive been wondering lately about what people perceive when they see me. what do i look like to other people? you know, what goes on in your head is very different from how people think about you. this whole curiosity doesnt strike me as being self centered or anything, but i never put much thought into considering what people would think. Im not going to change anything though.
Truman Capote said that people who are having a love-sex relationship are continuously lying to each other because the very nature of the relationship demands that they do, because you have to make a love object of this person, which means that you editorialize about them. That you cut out what you dont want to see, you add this if it isnt there. And so therefore you're building a lie.
But that cant be true, right? is the nature of the relationship based on your idolizing of this person? You can still love the person and not editorialize their character. I have never, and would never, cut out what i dont want to see. and im not anything new. I think the only people who build lies about the other are the immature ones. or something. Relationships! bleh.
but i would have to say. that truman capote is my favourite gay man. my second fav would have to be dumbledore. who doesnt love the gays?
Well. now Frau Phillips is dead. fuck. So many of the people i genuinely liked are dead now. Vonnegut, Lengle, Jordan, Gillroy, Phillips, Hall, and Ferguson. and no, im not one to spout of philosophical bullshit about life and death. although i think im more than capable. anyway.
who doesnt think of suicide? nobody. kudos to those who had the grace to do it not out of depression, emotions are no reason to kill yourself.
mein gott, i love my friends. im going to miss them when we all get the hell outta here.