Game Over - Play Again?
10 - Times I've attempted to write a journal entry and gave up.
9 - People I feel extremely guilty about being Hot and Cold to in the past 2 years, who I KNOW are burned about it..
8 - Posts I've made to this journal this year, including this one.
7 - Years I spent in a relationship with Hunter.
6 - Years, roughly, I've spent using this journal.
5 - Years I've pursued college full-time.
4 - Months it's been since I've written in this journal.
3 - Places I'd be most likely to walk to at this point in my life when desperately needing company.
2 - Number of years I've spent at PNCA.
1 - Number of years worth of entries I've made in this journal, including this one.
*Siiiiiiigh* Well. Life Keeps Happening. Looking back is an exercise in feeling overwhelmed and implacably disturbed and upset at past events years after they took place, looking at the present is a jumble of good and bad; I've been an excellent friend to some, and not so excellent to others. I've been highly productive and excited about my own personal projects, but for everything that gets nailed down, naturally there's something that springs up out of the mold, and I'm nervous about classes next term. I really, really, don't want to suck AS HARD as I did last term. Passing's great, acknowledgment of talent is great...clawing myself up out of my own slumps and persevering is better than great.
I'm a sketch in progress and man am I messy. I don't even know which lines to erase, because I'm still too busy fiddling with details and finding gross errors. Leaving off, coming back, fiddling, leaving off again. *laughs* and maybe, I'm one of those works that never do get off the ground, regardless of how bright the initial spark was that set me down on paper for the first time. They say art is never finished, just abandoned.
I feel a little like the Yakov Smirnoff re-interpretation: "In Soviet HURF DURF, Art abandons YOU!"
Then again, I haven't had sleep, just got back online after hanging out in the Colony of Epic and Awesome Distraction, doing laundry and organizing my living space, which does tend to stir up the pot a little.
I feel supremely unsure of myself. And it's awkward and embarrassing to unpack one's issues and make a spectacle of oneself, and so I've been conducting myself as well as I can. But, there's an advantage in this at least: feeling unsure means I'm more open to the world around me. It's kinda hard not to have an amped-up awareness when you're trying to find solid ground.
And, while I'm at it:
Things that are Happening that may make me blink off the planet:
Rah and Dean, Living in the same city!
Maven, Being Ever-Present and Written out and Comicked!
July 31st to August 9th - Family Reunion!
August 14th to August 19th - Fish Visits!
August 17th to August 22nd - Wagner's Ring Cycle at the Seattle Opera House!
August 31 - A Brave New Term: 11AM to 6PM, Narrative Image on Mondays, 6:30 to 9:15PM Math on Tuesdays, 11AM to 9:15PM Illustration Studio and Literary Seminar: Films from the 50's on Wednesdays.
That's about all for now.