Limbo
I'm feeling very much in limbo at the moment. I've healed a lot from the two surgeries, but am not completely healed. The surgery helped with some stuff immediately, but I am still experiencing some of the same symptoms. It is supposed to be three months before really knowing what the surgery has and hasn't done.
I find myself cataloging my aches, pains and feelings every day and questioning if I am getting better. Raymond says he can see a HUGE improvement....I guess I don't see it because I am still experiencing stuff. I wanted it to be the magic bullet that fixed it all right away, not thinking about how BIG a deal it is. Two brain surgeries in one month? I say it, but it seems surreal. They cut me open and exposed my brain and mucked about a bit. Cut some of this out, stitch some of this out of the way, patch it with some sort of bovine stuff then sew it all up again. Then they cut me open all the way to the bovine patch, glued some stuff, stitched some other stuff and then double stitched/sewed up the incision. That's a lot of crap for my neck muscles, spine and brain to deal with. But I feel guilty that I'm not better quicker. Ugh.
Not to mention that the anesthesiologist screwed up the eye protection for the second surgery and basically allowed my eye to be burned by the cleaning stuff they use when prepping the area for incision. The eye doctor says I should be fine. But it still hurts.
So I gained some stuff and lost some stuff and don't know what it will all be like in the end. People ask if I would do it again, and I always say "In a heartbeat", because I figured even if it doesn't work, I at least had something to TRY and help. And if it *did* help then it's all good. I didn't want to spend more years getting worse and worse and playing the "what if" game in my head.
So I guess that means it's all good. Because I did it and there have been improvements. I just have to keep reminding myself that.....It's All Good.
I find myself cataloging my aches, pains and feelings every day and questioning if I am getting better. Raymond says he can see a HUGE improvement....I guess I don't see it because I am still experiencing stuff. I wanted it to be the magic bullet that fixed it all right away, not thinking about how BIG a deal it is. Two brain surgeries in one month? I say it, but it seems surreal. They cut me open and exposed my brain and mucked about a bit. Cut some of this out, stitch some of this out of the way, patch it with some sort of bovine stuff then sew it all up again. Then they cut me open all the way to the bovine patch, glued some stuff, stitched some other stuff and then double stitched/sewed up the incision. That's a lot of crap for my neck muscles, spine and brain to deal with. But I feel guilty that I'm not better quicker. Ugh.
Not to mention that the anesthesiologist screwed up the eye protection for the second surgery and basically allowed my eye to be burned by the cleaning stuff they use when prepping the area for incision. The eye doctor says I should be fine. But it still hurts.
So I gained some stuff and lost some stuff and don't know what it will all be like in the end. People ask if I would do it again, and I always say "In a heartbeat", because I figured even if it doesn't work, I at least had something to TRY and help. And if it *did* help then it's all good. I didn't want to spend more years getting worse and worse and playing the "what if" game in my head.
So I guess that means it's all good. Because I did it and there have been improvements. I just have to keep reminding myself that.....It's All Good.