frustrated
I've been finding myself a little on the world rather than in it of late. I can't seem to feel truly happy, truly alive. Mostly lonely and nervous about mundane things like money and my car. I keep kicking myself for not doing more, but that doesn't seem to make me DO any more. Am I really just being too hard on myself?
I am working but not making as much money as I would like. I finally got back on unemployment which should bring more money in, and I might actually be making progress towards working for THE school I want to work with. I cannot tell you how much a permanent position would mean to me, and this school is great (at least from a substitute/applicant's point of view) Still, every time I pay my bills and watch my bank account dwindle I can't help but think that I'll never make it to next September.
At the same time, I see people, I have fantastic people in my life, but I miss some of the people who are not here. And I am spending far too much time alone. I'm hoping that trying to work on my Nano in a public setting will help. But it's getting my butt out the door and out into the world, the self-motivation piece the I really need to do better on.
Also, I am kinda giving up on the diet. I haven't reached my goal, but I can't stand going in every week and not losing any more weight. I can't handle hating myself every time I go off the diet, or skip the gym. I've lost 70lbs and I'm not proud of that anymore. I just think that I'm not done yet. So I'm going into the maintenance portion of the program. I'm trying to decide if I feel good about it. I think that it might be more accurate to say that what I am feeling is more akin to when one stops beating their head against a wall. It's not that stopping feels good exactly, it just doesn't hurt as much anymore. And I hate that it should "hurt" at all. I feel so much better about my self now, really for the first time in my life. The past few months I feel like that pride has been stolen somehow. Totally unfair!
So life on the whole is functioning, but not exactly joy-to-the-world-great! I am so grateful to Martha and Desi and the gang at work who seem happy to have me around when I join in. I just wish I felt more energized to make the effort to take part of the world more than I am these days. It will get better, I just wish that better would happen sooner rather than later
I am working but not making as much money as I would like. I finally got back on unemployment which should bring more money in, and I might actually be making progress towards working for THE school I want to work with. I cannot tell you how much a permanent position would mean to me, and this school is great (at least from a substitute/applicant's point of view) Still, every time I pay my bills and watch my bank account dwindle I can't help but think that I'll never make it to next September.
At the same time, I see people, I have fantastic people in my life, but I miss some of the people who are not here. And I am spending far too much time alone. I'm hoping that trying to work on my Nano in a public setting will help. But it's getting my butt out the door and out into the world, the self-motivation piece the I really need to do better on.
Also, I am kinda giving up on the diet. I haven't reached my goal, but I can't stand going in every week and not losing any more weight. I can't handle hating myself every time I go off the diet, or skip the gym. I've lost 70lbs and I'm not proud of that anymore. I just think that I'm not done yet. So I'm going into the maintenance portion of the program. I'm trying to decide if I feel good about it. I think that it might be more accurate to say that what I am feeling is more akin to when one stops beating their head against a wall. It's not that stopping feels good exactly, it just doesn't hurt as much anymore. And I hate that it should "hurt" at all. I feel so much better about my self now, really for the first time in my life. The past few months I feel like that pride has been stolen somehow. Totally unfair!
So life on the whole is functioning, but not exactly joy-to-the-world-great! I am so grateful to Martha and Desi and the gang at work who seem happy to have me around when I join in. I just wish I felt more energized to make the effort to take part of the world more than I am these days. It will get better, I just wish that better would happen sooner rather than later