Blast from the Past to the Present
Read the following:
REcently I've been obsessed with that time in my life---late 2005. I don't know why but it's been going on for a while now. I somehow like hot showers while the window is open at night. I like peering outside and smelling the wind of the beautiful night because it reminds me of late 2005 (late October to late December). What makes this night so beautiful? The sky, the wind, and the atmosphere that I'm in (not my house)---combined into one. At times when I do this, it reminds me of Depeche Mode's "Precious." How emo of me. THat's a beautiful song, too. I don't know why this is happening to me---for one thing, this was when I had fake friends and I had problems with my parents. These beautiful nights remind me of this girl whose name means "Pagina" in English. Her voice is the wind, while her face and hair are the sky and clouds. Everything about her is the atmosphere. I had to get this off my chest. Now sue me.
I wrote that two years ago on my Livejournal.
Here's what a certain someone had to say about it:
that was really beautiful. youre such a poet : ]
That someone was Mela.
I was reminiscing over the good times that I shared with her. I just wish I could have done things more differently. I compare those times to those of today, where I'll get a ride from my parents if necessary to meet up with a friend. I should have used that option to meet up with Mela, but I was too ashamed and embarrassed because I was so messed up in the head to accept a ride from my parents. Now that I'm sane, I feel guilty for being that way. If I had been there more for her, she would not have descended into the abyss that she's in now. I would have helped her not do drugs any longer. I would have helped her out with anything. Then again, there's that jealousy factor. I couldn't stand seeing her dating another guy. There were times where I could take the pain, but there came that time in October of 2006 where she started dating this guy---who died in late November---and that pissed me off so much. I loved her so much. I just don't exactly know why I snapped. Maybe it was because he was a drug addict like her, and I wasn't. I'm the guy that she should be dating. She was allegedly drug-free for a time and loved it. What made her go back to doing drugs. I loved her with all my heart, and yet for some reason she didn't love me back. I loved her no matter the distance between us. My jealousy proved to be the undoing of my friendship with her. There was that time back in 2007 where we somewhat reconciled, and then I found out that she was dating some guy. With the jealous guy that I am, I showed her my displeasure. At the same time, I was worried about her. She mentioned during one conversation that she was on drugs during one weekend. She told me later on that she knew that I was worried about her, but that she was getting her life back together bit by bit. Well two pairs of mugshots later, that doesn't seem to be the case at all. It seems that guy that she was dating is in prison. Recently, she was locked up herself again. She's a mess from what I saw in the mugs. I'm to partially blame for her fall from grace. In the months between last August and this August, it got too much to my head. I did this photo where I got a pic of her and drew a thinking cloud stretching from her head and which included my Joker face. Under the photo there was a caption that said "Love never dies." She happened to see it and that made things worse. Yet another reason for me to partially blame myself for letting her fall further into darkness. If I could just start over again with her. Like Pagina, she's as beautiful as the nighttime sky. Yet, she still might not want anything to do with me and/or she's still taken. I want to be the guy that makes her happy. However, I've moved on with my life and still am searching for that special someone, who could have been Mela.
REcently I've been obsessed with that time in my life---late 2005. I don't know why but it's been going on for a while now. I somehow like hot showers while the window is open at night. I like peering outside and smelling the wind of the beautiful night because it reminds me of late 2005 (late October to late December). What makes this night so beautiful? The sky, the wind, and the atmosphere that I'm in (not my house)---combined into one. At times when I do this, it reminds me of Depeche Mode's "Precious." How emo of me. THat's a beautiful song, too. I don't know why this is happening to me---for one thing, this was when I had fake friends and I had problems with my parents. These beautiful nights remind me of this girl whose name means "Pagina" in English. Her voice is the wind, while her face and hair are the sky and clouds. Everything about her is the atmosphere. I had to get this off my chest. Now sue me.
I wrote that two years ago on my Livejournal.
Here's what a certain someone had to say about it:
that was really beautiful. youre such a poet : ]
That someone was Mela.
I was reminiscing over the good times that I shared with her. I just wish I could have done things more differently. I compare those times to those of today, where I'll get a ride from my parents if necessary to meet up with a friend. I should have used that option to meet up with Mela, but I was too ashamed and embarrassed because I was so messed up in the head to accept a ride from my parents. Now that I'm sane, I feel guilty for being that way. If I had been there more for her, she would not have descended into the abyss that she's in now. I would have helped her not do drugs any longer. I would have helped her out with anything. Then again, there's that jealousy factor. I couldn't stand seeing her dating another guy. There were times where I could take the pain, but there came that time in October of 2006 where she started dating this guy---who died in late November---and that pissed me off so much. I loved her so much. I just don't exactly know why I snapped. Maybe it was because he was a drug addict like her, and I wasn't. I'm the guy that she should be dating. She was allegedly drug-free for a time and loved it. What made her go back to doing drugs. I loved her with all my heart, and yet for some reason she didn't love me back. I loved her no matter the distance between us. My jealousy proved to be the undoing of my friendship with her. There was that time back in 2007 where we somewhat reconciled, and then I found out that she was dating some guy. With the jealous guy that I am, I showed her my displeasure. At the same time, I was worried about her. She mentioned during one conversation that she was on drugs during one weekend. She told me later on that she knew that I was worried about her, but that she was getting her life back together bit by bit. Well two pairs of mugshots later, that doesn't seem to be the case at all. It seems that guy that she was dating is in prison. Recently, she was locked up herself again. She's a mess from what I saw in the mugs. I'm to partially blame for her fall from grace. In the months between last August and this August, it got too much to my head. I did this photo where I got a pic of her and drew a thinking cloud stretching from her head and which included my Joker face. Under the photo there was a caption that said "Love never dies." She happened to see it and that made things worse. Yet another reason for me to partially blame myself for letting her fall further into darkness. If I could just start over again with her. Like Pagina, she's as beautiful as the nighttime sky. Yet, she still might not want anything to do with me and/or she's still taken. I want to be the guy that makes her happy. However, I've moved on with my life and still am searching for that special someone, who could have been Mela.