(no subject)
Instead of perpetuating on misery and negativity, I've slowly started to develop a slow but surely moving path towards positivity, and I'm realizing that I'm more fired up than I ever have been in the past.
I've been thinking so much recently about gender and the roles that society places on us, and how that fits into relating with other people and self. I've realized that I have spent numerous years (as a recovering anorexic) trying to fit some type of role that society or others have generated as to what I a woman should look and act like. I'm fucking fed up. I started to realize this a few months ago, as I was pissing in some bathroom in south side, looking at all the porn magazines and sports illustrated swimsuit additions, irritated. Buried under the heaping piles of jizz-covered mags, I found a god-awful novel that is now being made into a god-awful movie, "I hope they serve beer in hell". The page I happened to turn to in the novel was the oh so fucking "raunchy and brilliant" tucker max describing his personal "degrees of women", from the knock-out with huge tits that looks great sober or inebriated to the girl that isn't really a looker but is worth fucking once shitfaced.
I almost vomited. I ran downstairs and announced to all the people I was hanging out with that I was offended. "But that's how it is, I'm sure you've done it. Fucked someone you didn't mean to when drunk.. Anyway, that book is hilarious, you shouldn't be offended."
Uh.
I've finally realized the deeply harbored resentment I've been hiding for years when I watched the movie "Disfigured".
I feel as though people do not want to admit that they do think about and conform to what our media will say. We are a success thriving society. We want to be the best, the thinnest, the strongest. I realized that for myself, it's okay that I'm not in school, I'm not tiny and gorgeous and that I am sort of masculine in a lot of ways. I'm okay with that, or beginning to be, and I don't give a fuck if anyone wants to think that its not okay. I think more people should embrace the acceptance of oneself and achieving a higher level of thinking and creativity. A body is a physical thing, that is not going to last forever as it will age and decay with time. The thing that we possess for a lifetime is the things we think about, the ideals we embrace and the relationships will make and the memories surrounding them. I cannot make those long-lasting things when I am continually forcing myself to be thinner and more productive.
When I was in high school, I went through a checkout line in a grocery store buying some sweets that I had long been craving. At that time, my five hundred calorie a day diet had taken a toll on my health and insanity. I was hungry, starving, emotionless and deprived.
The cashier greeted me. "How are you doing, hon?"
"I'm fine", I lied.
"Damn, you gotta tell me how you stay so thin! Wish I could look like that!"
I heard "I have a high metabolism" leave my mouth, but I was seething with "You don't know how fucking hard I push and drive myself to look like this! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!"
My point in writing this is that from this point forward, I am looking toward improving myself in ways that will make me happy. That means eating, and eating healthily. It means allowing myself to be who I want to be and feeling okay to be that way. Fuck how everyone else is, what I should be or shouldn't be.
It's time to be a little selfish. Being selfish is not bad when you get what you need, without hurting those close to you.
I've been thinking so much recently about gender and the roles that society places on us, and how that fits into relating with other people and self. I've realized that I have spent numerous years (as a recovering anorexic) trying to fit some type of role that society or others have generated as to what I a woman should look and act like. I'm fucking fed up. I started to realize this a few months ago, as I was pissing in some bathroom in south side, looking at all the porn magazines and sports illustrated swimsuit additions, irritated. Buried under the heaping piles of jizz-covered mags, I found a god-awful novel that is now being made into a god-awful movie, "I hope they serve beer in hell". The page I happened to turn to in the novel was the oh so fucking "raunchy and brilliant" tucker max describing his personal "degrees of women", from the knock-out with huge tits that looks great sober or inebriated to the girl that isn't really a looker but is worth fucking once shitfaced.
I almost vomited. I ran downstairs and announced to all the people I was hanging out with that I was offended. "But that's how it is, I'm sure you've done it. Fucked someone you didn't mean to when drunk.. Anyway, that book is hilarious, you shouldn't be offended."
Uh.
I've finally realized the deeply harbored resentment I've been hiding for years when I watched the movie "Disfigured".
I feel as though people do not want to admit that they do think about and conform to what our media will say. We are a success thriving society. We want to be the best, the thinnest, the strongest. I realized that for myself, it's okay that I'm not in school, I'm not tiny and gorgeous and that I am sort of masculine in a lot of ways. I'm okay with that, or beginning to be, and I don't give a fuck if anyone wants to think that its not okay. I think more people should embrace the acceptance of oneself and achieving a higher level of thinking and creativity. A body is a physical thing, that is not going to last forever as it will age and decay with time. The thing that we possess for a lifetime is the things we think about, the ideals we embrace and the relationships will make and the memories surrounding them. I cannot make those long-lasting things when I am continually forcing myself to be thinner and more productive.
When I was in high school, I went through a checkout line in a grocery store buying some sweets that I had long been craving. At that time, my five hundred calorie a day diet had taken a toll on my health and insanity. I was hungry, starving, emotionless and deprived.
The cashier greeted me. "How are you doing, hon?"
"I'm fine", I lied.
"Damn, you gotta tell me how you stay so thin! Wish I could look like that!"
I heard "I have a high metabolism" leave my mouth, but I was seething with "You don't know how fucking hard I push and drive myself to look like this! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!"
My point in writing this is that from this point forward, I am looking toward improving myself in ways that will make me happy. That means eating, and eating healthily. It means allowing myself to be who I want to be and feeling okay to be that way. Fuck how everyone else is, what I should be or shouldn't be.
It's time to be a little selfish. Being selfish is not bad when you get what you need, without hurting those close to you.