Grief Counseling - Chapter 2
Header/Summery/Rating, ect.
Profile for graveyard_disturbance.
Profile for not_luthor.
Grief Counseling
By Suki Blue and Amejisuto
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: not_luthor@yahoo.com
TO: graveyard_disturbance@crystal_lake.net
SUBJECT: RE: About me.
Hey man,
Don’t go praising all the Irish. B had a boyfriend who immigrated from there a while back and he was a real prick. Still is, from what I’ve heard. Bastard hasn’t talked to her in a year, hasn’t been there for her or anything. Now that she’d dead, though, he has to go on a sabbatical to the ends of the earth because his pain is just oh so bad. Jackass. Like everyone who knew her wasn’t hurting. What makes him so fucking special?
Oops, sorry about that. Didn’t mean to start ranting, it’s just been a craptacular day.
My honest to god relatives? Haven’t talked to them since I moved out last year. Best thing that’s happened to me lately. Don’t really think I could take Daddy Dearest telling me to suck it up and take it like a man right now.
Hey, I didn’t know there were Alien books. Well, other than the movie adaptations. That’s cool! B, she loved Aliens. Said that Ripley was a good role model for girls and all that woman empowerment stuff. I used to say I didn’t care about all that, as long as she kept kicking ass in her underwear, but now that I’m trying to look out for B’s little sister, well, I can see what she meant.
Haven’t seen that site before. That’s some freaky stuff. Still, it's great art. Better than a lot of the other crap I’ve been dragged to see by the girls.
TNG was too cool! Worf was always one of my favorite characters. I have to admit to loving DS9, though. It might take a lot of guts to go exploring but it takes even more to stay and defend your home. As for Voyager, like any other red-blooded American male, who can’t get enough of Seven of Nine?!
Freddy’s okay but I got tired of watching the idiot teenagers he was chasing. He is pretty damn funny, though. And the claw thing makes a great gimmick. Got to have a signature move, as someone I know once said.
God, what is it with you English people and punk? Sex Pistols?
Oh hell, don’t tell anyone but I’ve listened to one or two of their songs and they’re not that bad. I don’t think I’d live it down if my friend found out, though; he’d tease me for hours on end. Maybe I’ll just have to steal his CD. It's not like he doesn’t steal half of my shit anyway.
It kinda sounds like we have a lot in common. I’m famous for opening my mouth and sticking a foot in it. Usually I can talk a mile a minute about anything and everything.
Lately, though, it’s like no one wants to really hear what I’m saying. At least Will doesn’t. She’s, like, my other sister and for some reason B’s death is hitting her really hard. I’ll try to talk to her but she just, I don’t know, dodges the conversation and tries to distract me.
I found out the other day that we’re losing our Father Figure, too. I can’t help but be angry as hell about it but everyone seems to think I should be happy for him. I’m not. It’s almost as if now that B is gone, well, she was his favorite so why should he stick around for the rest of us anymore?
I just wish I had more in common with him or something. I wish he’d stay but we’re supposed to put on a stiff upper lip and be all glad that he’s moving on. Fuck it, he’s running. And he’s leaving three kids and a crazy neighbor behind to take care of a teenager, for god’s sake. How stupid is that? I mean, I’m not a teenager anymore but the Bit, that’s B’s sister, she’s only six years younger than I am. I’m only 21; what the hell do I know about raising a teenager, much less a girl?! Right now I kinda wish I’d get numb again, I’m so pissed. I don’t know if I can just go to the airport next week and wish him a happy life while we’re left behind to pick up the pieces.
I’ve just been staring at the screen for over twenty minutes right now. How did they die? Man, I just don’t think I can get into that right now. I’ll tell you more about it later, if you still want to hear after this self-pitying babblefest.
What about you? Who did you lose? I didn’t mean to go on and on about me all that time.
TTFN
Lex
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Xander closed out his email and opened a game of solitaire in hopes the mindless game would get the voices in his head to shut up. Oh, not that he was schizophrenic, at least not yet, but there were always those voices that kept on telling him how useless and unnecessary he was.
About how he let Anya die.
What he really wanted was a beer. Then five or six more, hopefully followed by unconsciousness. He was afraid, though. He’d come home that fateful morning after lying to the cops about Anya and Buffy being kidnapped by a gang to find the apartment exactly how they had left it to run from Glory. All of Anya’s stuff was still there and the bed still wasn’t made and the last cup that Anya had drunk tea out of was starting to grow mold.
And he knew, he knew, that if he started drinking he’d never stop. He could feel the craving even now when it had been nearly a month since they died and a month since he’d stopped. He didn’t want to end up like his Dad and he needed to be there for Dawn and Willow and Tara so he promised himself that he wouldn’t start until he knew he could control it.
The urge to drink himself to death was what drove him to Anya’s computer. It was what made him reach out to Shaun, too. He just needed to talk to someone that wasn’t drowning in grief and hopefully figure things out.
He was at the point where he’d be willing to talk to Spike but the vampire was hurting just as badly as the rest of them and he didn’t want to bother him. Well, that and Xander was ashamed. He'd never believed that Spike really loved Buffy but seeing Spike sobbing over Buffy’s broken body in the few moments he was looking for Anya had made his heart cramp in sympathy.
Then they found Anya and his heart died.
Tonight he wanted to return to the numbness that had seemed to be his constant companion in the last month. He was so angry, so hurt by Giles’s leaving he could scream. Or cry, or about a hundred other less than manly things. He knew life wasn’t fair but this was worse than unfair, it was just majorly sucky all around.
He could admit that maybe it was his karma coming around to kick him in the ass. One too many “G-man”s and minor annoyances. But Giles’s leaving was hurting Dawnie so damn badly and the man just couldn’t get his head out of his own ass to see it.
He sighed and closed out the game and shut down the computer. Solitaire wasn’t helping. He was afraid nothing would.
Without the computer on the apartment was dark. He hadn’t bothered turning on more than the bathroom light for days now. To tell the truth, he didn’t want to see the place. His lease was coming up in a couple of months; maybe he’d move and find someplace else, somewhere Anya’s laughter didn’t echo and every nook and corner didn't remind him of her.
He finally got up and sat in the recliner in the corner of the living room. He hadn’t slept in the bed yet, he couldn’t face it. Hopefully a good night’s sleep would help. Shaun said it would eventually get better. Maybe tomorrow was the day and he could face changing the sheets on the bed and cleaning out Anya’s clothes and her other stuff.
But just the thought of it made him want to drink again, so maybe not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: graveyard_disturbance@crystal_lake.net
TO: not_luthor@yahoo.com
SUBJECT: RE: About me.
You sound like you’re in bad way, Lex. It’s hard to know what to say. We all handle our grief differently and what works for some might not work for others.
I don’t want to stick my nose in, so, again, feel free to tell me to take a running jump, but have you seen anyone? Doctor or a counsellor, I mean. It might help. Don’t feel that you have to hang tough for everybody else’s sake. I know you want to be strong for B’s sister and your other friends, but there ain’t no shame in admitting that you’re in pain. You’re human, just like they are. And you break, just like they do. It doesn’t show weakness to admit that, luv.
Have you thought about anti-depressants? I know you probably don’t want to rely on popping pills, but they can be a good way to clear your head while you sort yourself out. Just a thought.
This friend of yours that’s leaving, it does look bloody selfish. But maybe he’s in pain too. It definitely sounds like he’s running away. That’s probably his way of dealing with it. Doesn’t make it right, though.
I feel for you, mate, I really do. Listen, whenever you need to talk, I’m always on the other end of an email. Despite what RL people might think of me, I am actually a good listener. And I like to talk, too.
Who did I lose? That’s actually a really difficult question, mate. I’m not sure what she was to me. I loved her, that’s all I know. And now she’s gone. And yeah, it fucking kills. It also kills to watch her friends suffer. She left behind a fucking huge hole when she died. I wish I could fill it in for them.
Anyway, enough of all that shit. Onwards and upwards, as they say. I ain’t the type to dwell…actually, I am. I just ain’t gonna!
You raise a bloody good point about the Irish. I won’t go into it, because it’s a long and boring story, but let’s just say, I’ve known the odd Irish ‘jackass’ too. :oD
Sorry about your parents. Sometimes the best families are the ones that you pick yourself.
You didn’t know there were Alien books? Oh, yeah. Lots of ‘em. I like Alien fanfiction as well. Have you heard of slash fiction? I like that, too. Yeah, I have varied tastes. Hope you’re still talking to me after this!
And as for Seven of Nine? Spread her out and cover her with oil. LOL! *Nice* looking bird. Fantastic assets.
So your friend likes punk, eh? Sounds like a solid geezer. Have you tried talking about how you feel with him?
Talk later. I gotta run. I’m starving. Gonna get me a bite to eat.
Shaun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike hovered over the keyboard for a few short moments while he decided if he should press the Send button. He had already been suspicious last night that Lex was actually Xander.
Now? He was convinced. It all added up just right.
This friend that was leaving, it just had to be Giles. And the teenager that Lex was helping to look after, it had to be Dawn. Also, Lex had mentioned that he had lost two people. His girlfriend and a friend called B. No prizes for guessing who that was. And he had a friend called Will. Willow.
And Spike was sure that he was Lex’s friend that liked punk.
Yup. It added up, alright. Two plus two, in this case, definitely equaled four.
Spike had made a decision about halfway though his reply email. He’d stay incognito.
Firstly, he wanted to be one hundred and fifty percent sure that it *was* Xander and, secondly, he was worried.
He’d never heard Xander talk like this. He really sounded like he was struggling. And that was something that he hadn’t expected. Of course, Xander was grieving, he had every right to, and Spike had already noted Xander’s uncharacteristic quietness. But he hadn’t realized just how much pain Xander was in. If Spike was to reveal himself to Xander now, it might cause the boy to clam up completely. He didn’t want that. Spike had a feeling that there was a whole lot more pain beneath Xander’s surface, pain that needed a release, pain that needed someone to help him deal with it.
So maybe Shaun could convince Lex to convince Xander to talk to his punked up friend. It was worth a shot.
Spike pressed the Send button.
Crazy neighbor?! Oi!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Profile for graveyard_disturbance.
Profile for not_luthor.
Grief Counseling
By Suki Blue and Amejisuto
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: not_luthor@yahoo.com
TO: graveyard_disturbance@crystal_lake.net
SUBJECT: RE: About me.
Hey man,
Don’t go praising all the Irish. B had a boyfriend who immigrated from there a while back and he was a real prick. Still is, from what I’ve heard. Bastard hasn’t talked to her in a year, hasn’t been there for her or anything. Now that she’d dead, though, he has to go on a sabbatical to the ends of the earth because his pain is just oh so bad. Jackass. Like everyone who knew her wasn’t hurting. What makes him so fucking special?
Oops, sorry about that. Didn’t mean to start ranting, it’s just been a craptacular day.
My honest to god relatives? Haven’t talked to them since I moved out last year. Best thing that’s happened to me lately. Don’t really think I could take Daddy Dearest telling me to suck it up and take it like a man right now.
Hey, I didn’t know there were Alien books. Well, other than the movie adaptations. That’s cool! B, she loved Aliens. Said that Ripley was a good role model for girls and all that woman empowerment stuff. I used to say I didn’t care about all that, as long as she kept kicking ass in her underwear, but now that I’m trying to look out for B’s little sister, well, I can see what she meant.
Haven’t seen that site before. That’s some freaky stuff. Still, it's great art. Better than a lot of the other crap I’ve been dragged to see by the girls.
TNG was too cool! Worf was always one of my favorite characters. I have to admit to loving DS9, though. It might take a lot of guts to go exploring but it takes even more to stay and defend your home. As for Voyager, like any other red-blooded American male, who can’t get enough of Seven of Nine?!
Freddy’s okay but I got tired of watching the idiot teenagers he was chasing. He is pretty damn funny, though. And the claw thing makes a great gimmick. Got to have a signature move, as someone I know once said.
God, what is it with you English people and punk? Sex Pistols?
Oh hell, don’t tell anyone but I’ve listened to one or two of their songs and they’re not that bad. I don’t think I’d live it down if my friend found out, though; he’d tease me for hours on end. Maybe I’ll just have to steal his CD. It's not like he doesn’t steal half of my shit anyway.
It kinda sounds like we have a lot in common. I’m famous for opening my mouth and sticking a foot in it. Usually I can talk a mile a minute about anything and everything.
Lately, though, it’s like no one wants to really hear what I’m saying. At least Will doesn’t. She’s, like, my other sister and for some reason B’s death is hitting her really hard. I’ll try to talk to her but she just, I don’t know, dodges the conversation and tries to distract me.
I found out the other day that we’re losing our Father Figure, too. I can’t help but be angry as hell about it but everyone seems to think I should be happy for him. I’m not. It’s almost as if now that B is gone, well, she was his favorite so why should he stick around for the rest of us anymore?
I just wish I had more in common with him or something. I wish he’d stay but we’re supposed to put on a stiff upper lip and be all glad that he’s moving on. Fuck it, he’s running. And he’s leaving three kids and a crazy neighbor behind to take care of a teenager, for god’s sake. How stupid is that? I mean, I’m not a teenager anymore but the Bit, that’s B’s sister, she’s only six years younger than I am. I’m only 21; what the hell do I know about raising a teenager, much less a girl?! Right now I kinda wish I’d get numb again, I’m so pissed. I don’t know if I can just go to the airport next week and wish him a happy life while we’re left behind to pick up the pieces.
I’ve just been staring at the screen for over twenty minutes right now. How did they die? Man, I just don’t think I can get into that right now. I’ll tell you more about it later, if you still want to hear after this self-pitying babblefest.
What about you? Who did you lose? I didn’t mean to go on and on about me all that time.
TTFN
Lex
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Xander closed out his email and opened a game of solitaire in hopes the mindless game would get the voices in his head to shut up. Oh, not that he was schizophrenic, at least not yet, but there were always those voices that kept on telling him how useless and unnecessary he was.
About how he let Anya die.
What he really wanted was a beer. Then five or six more, hopefully followed by unconsciousness. He was afraid, though. He’d come home that fateful morning after lying to the cops about Anya and Buffy being kidnapped by a gang to find the apartment exactly how they had left it to run from Glory. All of Anya’s stuff was still there and the bed still wasn’t made and the last cup that Anya had drunk tea out of was starting to grow mold.
And he knew, he knew, that if he started drinking he’d never stop. He could feel the craving even now when it had been nearly a month since they died and a month since he’d stopped. He didn’t want to end up like his Dad and he needed to be there for Dawn and Willow and Tara so he promised himself that he wouldn’t start until he knew he could control it.
The urge to drink himself to death was what drove him to Anya’s computer. It was what made him reach out to Shaun, too. He just needed to talk to someone that wasn’t drowning in grief and hopefully figure things out.
He was at the point where he’d be willing to talk to Spike but the vampire was hurting just as badly as the rest of them and he didn’t want to bother him. Well, that and Xander was ashamed. He'd never believed that Spike really loved Buffy but seeing Spike sobbing over Buffy’s broken body in the few moments he was looking for Anya had made his heart cramp in sympathy.
Then they found Anya and his heart died.
Tonight he wanted to return to the numbness that had seemed to be his constant companion in the last month. He was so angry, so hurt by Giles’s leaving he could scream. Or cry, or about a hundred other less than manly things. He knew life wasn’t fair but this was worse than unfair, it was just majorly sucky all around.
He could admit that maybe it was his karma coming around to kick him in the ass. One too many “G-man”s and minor annoyances. But Giles’s leaving was hurting Dawnie so damn badly and the man just couldn’t get his head out of his own ass to see it.
He sighed and closed out the game and shut down the computer. Solitaire wasn’t helping. He was afraid nothing would.
Without the computer on the apartment was dark. He hadn’t bothered turning on more than the bathroom light for days now. To tell the truth, he didn’t want to see the place. His lease was coming up in a couple of months; maybe he’d move and find someplace else, somewhere Anya’s laughter didn’t echo and every nook and corner didn't remind him of her.
He finally got up and sat in the recliner in the corner of the living room. He hadn’t slept in the bed yet, he couldn’t face it. Hopefully a good night’s sleep would help. Shaun said it would eventually get better. Maybe tomorrow was the day and he could face changing the sheets on the bed and cleaning out Anya’s clothes and her other stuff.
But just the thought of it made him want to drink again, so maybe not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: graveyard_disturbance@crystal_lake.net
TO: not_luthor@yahoo.com
SUBJECT: RE: About me.
You sound like you’re in bad way, Lex. It’s hard to know what to say. We all handle our grief differently and what works for some might not work for others.
I don’t want to stick my nose in, so, again, feel free to tell me to take a running jump, but have you seen anyone? Doctor or a counsellor, I mean. It might help. Don’t feel that you have to hang tough for everybody else’s sake. I know you want to be strong for B’s sister and your other friends, but there ain’t no shame in admitting that you’re in pain. You’re human, just like they are. And you break, just like they do. It doesn’t show weakness to admit that, luv.
Have you thought about anti-depressants? I know you probably don’t want to rely on popping pills, but they can be a good way to clear your head while you sort yourself out. Just a thought.
This friend of yours that’s leaving, it does look bloody selfish. But maybe he’s in pain too. It definitely sounds like he’s running away. That’s probably his way of dealing with it. Doesn’t make it right, though.
I feel for you, mate, I really do. Listen, whenever you need to talk, I’m always on the other end of an email. Despite what RL people might think of me, I am actually a good listener. And I like to talk, too.
Who did I lose? That’s actually a really difficult question, mate. I’m not sure what she was to me. I loved her, that’s all I know. And now she’s gone. And yeah, it fucking kills. It also kills to watch her friends suffer. She left behind a fucking huge hole when she died. I wish I could fill it in for them.
Anyway, enough of all that shit. Onwards and upwards, as they say. I ain’t the type to dwell…actually, I am. I just ain’t gonna!
You raise a bloody good point about the Irish. I won’t go into it, because it’s a long and boring story, but let’s just say, I’ve known the odd Irish ‘jackass’ too. :oD
Sorry about your parents. Sometimes the best families are the ones that you pick yourself.
You didn’t know there were Alien books? Oh, yeah. Lots of ‘em. I like Alien fanfiction as well. Have you heard of slash fiction? I like that, too. Yeah, I have varied tastes. Hope you’re still talking to me after this!
And as for Seven of Nine? Spread her out and cover her with oil. LOL! *Nice* looking bird. Fantastic assets.
So your friend likes punk, eh? Sounds like a solid geezer. Have you tried talking about how you feel with him?
Talk later. I gotta run. I’m starving. Gonna get me a bite to eat.
Shaun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike hovered over the keyboard for a few short moments while he decided if he should press the Send button. He had already been suspicious last night that Lex was actually Xander.
Now? He was convinced. It all added up just right.
This friend that was leaving, it just had to be Giles. And the teenager that Lex was helping to look after, it had to be Dawn. Also, Lex had mentioned that he had lost two people. His girlfriend and a friend called B. No prizes for guessing who that was. And he had a friend called Will. Willow.
And Spike was sure that he was Lex’s friend that liked punk.
Yup. It added up, alright. Two plus two, in this case, definitely equaled four.
Spike had made a decision about halfway though his reply email. He’d stay incognito.
Firstly, he wanted to be one hundred and fifty percent sure that it *was* Xander and, secondly, he was worried.
He’d never heard Xander talk like this. He really sounded like he was struggling. And that was something that he hadn’t expected. Of course, Xander was grieving, he had every right to, and Spike had already noted Xander’s uncharacteristic quietness. But he hadn’t realized just how much pain Xander was in. If Spike was to reveal himself to Xander now, it might cause the boy to clam up completely. He didn’t want that. Spike had a feeling that there was a whole lot more pain beneath Xander’s surface, pain that needed a release, pain that needed someone to help him deal with it.
So maybe Shaun could convince Lex to convince Xander to talk to his punked up friend. It was worth a shot.
Spike pressed the Send button.
Crazy neighbor?! Oi!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~