FML
I absolutely despise this term. DESPISE it. This term makes me cringe to the very bottom of my being. God has blessed us with every breath we take. He has blessed us with the sunrise, sunset, clouds, rain, happy moments, and sad. He has promised to hold us close, protect us, and love us unconditionally in a way that as humans, we cannot begin to comprehend. Saying FML, to me, is like telling God that you don't care about the blessings and love that He has given us.
How precious is Your steadfast love, O God! The children of men take refuge and put their trust under the shadow of Your wings. Psalm 36:7
Today was awful. It just plain stink, stank, STUNK! The days that are like this seem to be the days that our son thrives on. Despite his Asperger's and his inability to read body language, other people's emotions, etc., he seems to pick up on the fact that I was grouchy, irritable, felt bad, and exhausted. This happens in a way that elevates his mood into a form of mania that makes me was to run far, far away. I do not understand and never have understood how this happens, it just does.
So, he was elevated ... did I say elevated? Manic? Maniacal? Just plain crazy - aggravating, silly, mean (though irritatingly mean, not hateful mean), loud, and so on. Oh boy, none of us could get a break. The problem is, when he is like this, he is also very argumentative. He is argumentative in a way that he thinks he's being funny, but the mood and level of irritation has gone from bad to worse, so no one is in the mood for his mood and that, my friends, is where the fun hell begins. It is something like this, "Son, it's time to do your homework." (I'm doing something.) "You have known all week about this project, I've tried to help you. You have to do it now." (I don't want to.) I give it a rest ... everyone else in the house starts to work towards cleaning, and I say again, "It's time to work on your homework." He screams, I SAID I DON'T WANT TO! (This is the first of many shows of restraint...if it had been ME that said that to MY mom? I am sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that I would have met her hand in a not so friendly manner.) I let it go a few more minutes and then suggest that since everyone else is picking up, he should put his clothes on hangars. (His clothes = a few shirts and 3 pairs of pants, not an entire winter wardrobe.) And at this point? The hell really breaks loose. Why I couldn't just say, "Ok, whatever" and let it be, I don't know.
Please, someone tell me, why is it fair that my 2 year old single handedly unloads the dishwasher and knows where everything goes? The things she can't reach, she puts on the cabinet until I get there. No, I have not asked her to do this, but if I start and walk away, she will finish it for me. Why is it fair that my 3 year old picks up her toys, the baby's toys, books, and other messes, as well as cleaning off the table after dinner? And yet, my 8 year old? If I ask him to do something, I am being mean, hateful, I don't love him, and then the fighting begins. He refuses, I insist, and round and round we go...where we'll stop, nobody knows.
Today, we had the scenarios above. I wanted him to put his clothes up or do his homework. I was willing to help either way, but he needed to do something to help out too. It is NOT fair that the girls do things around the house, but because he has an attitude he doesn't have to. Yes, I know, he has a disability ... disability smishability ... I don't care when it comes to this. He is perfectly capable of putting a few things on a hanger and putting them in the closet ... he just flat didn't want to! If he had to work to pay restitution for the things he's broken, lost, and the way that he has hurt people, he would not be putting a few things on hangers, he'd be using a toothbrush to scrub the baseboards, but yet he doesn't. Instead, a fight begins and he gets out of it ... again.
I thought, "The people I see using FML are upset because they couldn't get the movie they wanted at RedBox or because their date night got cancelled. I honestly have never seen parents of children with such severe special needs that we have to isolate our younger children while our older child has a rage saying FML. Why not? Surely I'm not the only one of us who has ever had the thought. I sure thought it, and frankly, I said it today. I said, "This is not fair! FML! Just F-M-L!!" Do you know how much I felt it today? How much I wanted to write to the people I've seen say it and tell them, "You have no freaking clue?!?"
2 things stopped me...
1) I posted on FB a while back, "You will never understand my life until you walk a mile in my shoes. I am glad God is walking in mine with me." If God is walking with me, then why would I ever want to say FML?
2) What difference would it back? I have no idea what else happens to make people feel this way. For all I know, their date night got cancelled because they have been fighting with their loved ones. I really hope not, though.
Dear Heavenly Father, You are the most gracious, loving God. I pray, God that you will help me through all of these difficult times with David. I know, God, that you have promised to love us unconditionally and never give us more than we can handle, but God, you really tested me today and I am afraid I have failed. Please, dear God, forgive me for the sins in my life and God, please continue to hold me close and remind me that no matter what happens in this life, you are bigger than all of it. Amen.
How precious is Your steadfast love, O God! The children of men take refuge and put their trust under the shadow of Your wings. Psalm 36:7
Today was awful. It just plain stink, stank, STUNK! The days that are like this seem to be the days that our son thrives on. Despite his Asperger's and his inability to read body language, other people's emotions, etc., he seems to pick up on the fact that I was grouchy, irritable, felt bad, and exhausted. This happens in a way that elevates his mood into a form of mania that makes me was to run far, far away. I do not understand and never have understood how this happens, it just does.
So, he was elevated ... did I say elevated? Manic? Maniacal? Just plain crazy - aggravating, silly, mean (though irritatingly mean, not hateful mean), loud, and so on. Oh boy, none of us could get a break. The problem is, when he is like this, he is also very argumentative. He is argumentative in a way that he thinks he's being funny, but the mood and level of irritation has gone from bad to worse, so no one is in the mood for his mood and that, my friends, is where the fun hell begins. It is something like this, "Son, it's time to do your homework." (I'm doing something.) "You have known all week about this project, I've tried to help you. You have to do it now." (I don't want to.) I give it a rest ... everyone else in the house starts to work towards cleaning, and I say again, "It's time to work on your homework." He screams, I SAID I DON'T WANT TO! (This is the first of many shows of restraint...if it had been ME that said that to MY mom? I am sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that I would have met her hand in a not so friendly manner.) I let it go a few more minutes and then suggest that since everyone else is picking up, he should put his clothes on hangars. (His clothes = a few shirts and 3 pairs of pants, not an entire winter wardrobe.) And at this point? The hell really breaks loose. Why I couldn't just say, "Ok, whatever" and let it be, I don't know.
Please, someone tell me, why is it fair that my 2 year old single handedly unloads the dishwasher and knows where everything goes? The things she can't reach, she puts on the cabinet until I get there. No, I have not asked her to do this, but if I start and walk away, she will finish it for me. Why is it fair that my 3 year old picks up her toys, the baby's toys, books, and other messes, as well as cleaning off the table after dinner? And yet, my 8 year old? If I ask him to do something, I am being mean, hateful, I don't love him, and then the fighting begins. He refuses, I insist, and round and round we go...where we'll stop, nobody knows.
Today, we had the scenarios above. I wanted him to put his clothes up or do his homework. I was willing to help either way, but he needed to do something to help out too. It is NOT fair that the girls do things around the house, but because he has an attitude he doesn't have to. Yes, I know, he has a disability ... disability smishability ... I don't care when it comes to this. He is perfectly capable of putting a few things on a hanger and putting them in the closet ... he just flat didn't want to! If he had to work to pay restitution for the things he's broken, lost, and the way that he has hurt people, he would not be putting a few things on hangers, he'd be using a toothbrush to scrub the baseboards, but yet he doesn't. Instead, a fight begins and he gets out of it ... again.
I thought, "The people I see using FML are upset because they couldn't get the movie they wanted at RedBox or because their date night got cancelled. I honestly have never seen parents of children with such severe special needs that we have to isolate our younger children while our older child has a rage saying FML. Why not? Surely I'm not the only one of us who has ever had the thought. I sure thought it, and frankly, I said it today. I said, "This is not fair! FML! Just F-M-L!!" Do you know how much I felt it today? How much I wanted to write to the people I've seen say it and tell them, "You have no freaking clue?!?"
2 things stopped me...
1) I posted on FB a while back, "You will never understand my life until you walk a mile in my shoes. I am glad God is walking in mine with me." If God is walking with me, then why would I ever want to say FML?
2) What difference would it back? I have no idea what else happens to make people feel this way. For all I know, their date night got cancelled because they have been fighting with their loved ones. I really hope not, though.
Dear Heavenly Father, You are the most gracious, loving God. I pray, God that you will help me through all of these difficult times with David. I know, God, that you have promised to love us unconditionally and never give us more than we can handle, but God, you really tested me today and I am afraid I have failed. Please, dear God, forgive me for the sins in my life and God, please continue to hold me close and remind me that no matter what happens in this life, you are bigger than all of it. Amen.