(no subject)

[grezabella]

i came back from tree planting early. I couldn't handle it anymore. They kept offering me to stay, giving me other jobs but i had to come home. I don't regret tree planting or quitting, but i wish i was stronger mentally. Physically I could do it otherwise they wouldn't have offered me to stay so many times. I made so many good friends there, people would offer you the things you needed if you were lacking and i gave a lot away in return. I don't know how to describe why or how it felt to plant for 10 hours a day in the bush every day, except that when I was out there i got desperate and depressed x1000. It is a job that is all in your head. I never realized how much a person is capable of doing simply because i never had to do so much. I carried 60lbs of trees for 20 minutes from one plot to another, and every day when my planting bags were full i'd carry 25-30 lbs into my land and plant them all then re-load. I was planting in swamp land, land that had been cleared by machines and logs and stumps were everywhere but my favourite piece to work was in natural openings where the sand was right below the surface and my shovel cut into the ground like a warm knife into butter. At my best i could plant a tree every 10 seconds but that was only when I had good thoughts, but most of the time i had to convince myself not to think. On good days or good hours you get into a zen zone where you don't realize what you're doing and it simply becomes automatic. Planting goes from 1 tree every minute or 30 seconds to a tree every 5-10 seconds. You can't really eat while you're working because if you take a break it ruins your rythm and weighs you down and they also don't like it when you take breaks apart from bagging up trees. It really played with my head though. I feel defeated and depressed. My 20th birthday is coming up and i don't even care to go out and celebrate it because i feel like i shouldn't since i failed. There were nights when i couldn't sleep and when i did i'd wake up punching the ground because i was sleep-planting. My knuckles on my right hand are inflamed and sore from the abuse. My knees are bruised internally from constantly kicking away dirt and often rocks in the process for 10 hours. When i came home i felt like i had just spent time on a different planet. The body can do anything, can work for long hours without much food and in the most desperate of situations, but if your head is not on right then it holds you back and it wears you out. I didn't know what tree planting entailed, i didn't understand the kind of work i'd be getting myself into. After the bears started attacking i had hoped they'd attack me or i'd break my arm or something so that i could go home. But in the end i quit. I'd never quit anything before in my life.
But now i feel like I can do anything, like no matter what i know how far i can push myself and I feel like...anything is possible because it won't be tree planting.
When i get pictures up i'll post them.
i dunno.
I still feel confused.