portrait of a fanfic author
I think I've had my fanfic priorities wrong this entire time. I shouldn't avoid embarking on writing an epic fanfic because I highly doubt my ability to finish such a piece of writing (hai thar, Det. Hawkeye AU1--I hardly knew you ;_;). Rather, I should wholeheartedly throw myself into the affair, become a BNF, stop part-way through when my comment count is a dismal 50 (or 500, another zero doesn't make much of a difference), and then flounce in the tradition of truly Internet-famous BNFs.
. . . I've always wanted to be able to flounce. But I suppose I'm too much of a whore for attention and approval to ever do that.
XD
In all seriousness, though, as a fanfic writer who has never garnered a high comment count on any of my fanfics, I can tell you that comments are the currency of fanfic. There's just no other indication of being read. A published author can look at numbers of sales, but fanfic authors don't have that. View counts aren't an indication of being really read either. It's the comments that let you know that, hey, people liked this! (Or hated it. That happens too.)
And how does it feel to receive comments? Mothereffin' good.
Do I like receiving comments? Of course. Do I wish I received more comments? Praise never feels bad. Would I stop writing because I didn't receive comments?
I think I would have a different outlook on this question if I wrote chaptered works, but I don't. Because if I start a chaptered work, I don't expect to finish it and I'm done stringing a readership along like that. (I still feel bad about the ShizNat Drabble Cycle because I was supposed to be getting away from telling an actual linear story with a beginning and an end and ended up stuck in that format anyway without an end. *shakes head* Sorry, guys. . . . And then, well, I kinda did finish it and we know how that worked out . . . ) I also think I stopped writing in order to get comments around the time I got around to writing "Crossroads Schemata."
I "published" my first fanfic on LJ in 2004. I'd written fanfic before that. I'd been reading fanfic for much longer. In the heady days of FMA fandom, I basked in whatever praise and attention I could get and I was happy to write stuff I knew people reading would like--even all the crack had an element of pandering. (Hee, Hawkeye/Hughes.) But by the time I'd penned out "Crossroads Schemata" in 2008,2 I'd hit a different point in why I wanted to write that story.
I knew the fandom wouldn't like it.
I kind of liked knowing that the fandom wouldn't like it.
I'd come to realize that I liked upsetting expectations and being a little--a little--deceptive and misleading.
The thing was this: I knew my core audience. I surprisingly had a core audience, whether they were commenting or not. And I knew what they wanted. Some occasionally felt free to tell me explicitly what they wanted. I tended to react badly. (Conversely, if I was told that something wouldn't work, my brain would often scramble to make it work. The challenge was in selling the story. LOL, Hawkeye/Gracia! XD)
What I had--and what I was very lucky to have--were a handful of readers who continued to read whatever dreck I put out and, one step further, who tended to encourage this little dark streak in me. I respected and trusted their opinions. When they told me, "This is good," I believed them and didn't have to be concerned about the larger audience. Many of the things I wrote, I wrote with them in mind.
So if I stopped receiving comments, would I stop writing? Well, I have stopped writing, but that's for lack of inspiration, not comments.
Time has taught me that I don't write the types of stories that get commented on en masse. My "SQUEE!" moments as a writer have been when I have received comments from other fanfic authors on whose stories I had been too shy and fangirly and struck silent to comment!
I know what it feels like to be a lurker. I don't expect people to not lurk. I am thankful for every comment I get because I know it takes effort. I am always touched by comments and even more amazed when I receive comments that are specific and thoughtful because it does really make one feel like you wrote something worthwhile.
So, really, thank you to all the people who have read my fanfics over the years, whether you commented or not.
1. Dear summerwolf, who answered all my annoying questions and had nothing come of it, if you ever read this, I miss you and I still think your "Thursday" FMA fanfic is understatedly amazing.
2. I reread this yesterday. I don't recommend rereading one's own fanfics. Though I probably should have fixed all the typos I saw.
. . . I've always wanted to be able to flounce. But I suppose I'm too much of a whore for attention and approval to ever do that.
XD
In all seriousness, though, as a fanfic writer who has never garnered a high comment count on any of my fanfics, I can tell you that comments are the currency of fanfic. There's just no other indication of being read. A published author can look at numbers of sales, but fanfic authors don't have that. View counts aren't an indication of being really read either. It's the comments that let you know that, hey, people liked this! (Or hated it. That happens too.)
And how does it feel to receive comments? Mothereffin' good.
Do I like receiving comments? Of course. Do I wish I received more comments? Praise never feels bad. Would I stop writing because I didn't receive comments?
I think I would have a different outlook on this question if I wrote chaptered works, but I don't. Because if I start a chaptered work, I don't expect to finish it and I'm done stringing a readership along like that. (I still feel bad about the ShizNat Drabble Cycle because I was supposed to be getting away from telling an actual linear story with a beginning and an end and ended up stuck in that format anyway without an end. *shakes head* Sorry, guys. . . . And then, well, I kinda did finish it and we know how that worked out . . . ) I also think I stopped writing in order to get comments around the time I got around to writing "Crossroads Schemata."
I "published" my first fanfic on LJ in 2004. I'd written fanfic before that. I'd been reading fanfic for much longer. In the heady days of FMA fandom, I basked in whatever praise and attention I could get and I was happy to write stuff I knew people reading would like--even all the crack had an element of pandering. (Hee, Hawkeye/Hughes.) But by the time I'd penned out "Crossroads Schemata" in 2008,2 I'd hit a different point in why I wanted to write that story.
I knew the fandom wouldn't like it.
I kind of liked knowing that the fandom wouldn't like it.
I'd come to realize that I liked upsetting expectations and being a little--a little--deceptive and misleading.
The thing was this: I knew my core audience. I surprisingly had a core audience, whether they were commenting or not. And I knew what they wanted. Some occasionally felt free to tell me explicitly what they wanted. I tended to react badly. (Conversely, if I was told that something wouldn't work, my brain would often scramble to make it work. The challenge was in selling the story. LOL, Hawkeye/Gracia! XD)
What I had--and what I was very lucky to have--were a handful of readers who continued to read whatever dreck I put out and, one step further, who tended to encourage this little dark streak in me. I respected and trusted their opinions. When they told me, "This is good," I believed them and didn't have to be concerned about the larger audience. Many of the things I wrote, I wrote with them in mind.
So if I stopped receiving comments, would I stop writing? Well, I have stopped writing, but that's for lack of inspiration, not comments.
Time has taught me that I don't write the types of stories that get commented on en masse. My "SQUEE!" moments as a writer have been when I have received comments from other fanfic authors on whose stories I had been too shy and fangirly and struck silent to comment!
I know what it feels like to be a lurker. I don't expect people to not lurk. I am thankful for every comment I get because I know it takes effort. I am always touched by comments and even more amazed when I receive comments that are specific and thoughtful because it does really make one feel like you wrote something worthwhile.
So, really, thank you to all the people who have read my fanfics over the years, whether you commented or not.
1. Dear summerwolf, who answered all my annoying questions and had nothing come of it, if you ever read this, I miss you and I still think your "Thursday" FMA fanfic is understatedly amazing.
2. I reread this yesterday. I don't recommend rereading one's own fanfics. Though I probably should have fixed all the typos I saw.