The Point
I come to Broad Ripple to work on homework and sometimes I can not focus because of this overwhelming sense of loneliness and existential dread I can not break free from. Today I was having a hard time focusing because of the "squirrels" but then it became more. I started talking to someone I met on a dating app, her profile stated monogamous, but she told me not long after we started talking that she was in deep ENM. I can't stand that acronym honestly just fucking say POLY,,, fuck.. Anyway she seems cool and I am able to tell a whole lot of shit to because she has gone through similar shit or at least has similar diagnosis. We've been talking for about a couple of weeks and she is going out on a date with one of her other interests. I already accepted the fact that she is poly even though I am not. God damn, EVERYONE and their fucking mother is fucking poly these days and I can not bring myself to do that kind of thing because of my fucked up self image issues and conditioned feelings of inadequacy. I never feel good enough for anyone. Multiple relationships that didn't work for one reason or another, the last one she was over the whole monogamous life and wanted to go back to being poly "like she was before me". She said "you don't want to be with someone who doesn't just wan to be with you, do you? I said nothing, shrugged,hugged her, and left. We barely speak now. Now the person I am chatting with, have not met yet, but she does have an interest in me,,, as well as 2 other people. She is going on a date tonight and encouraged me to stroll tinder for a confidence boost... That is not what it does for me, I swipe left on 99.9% of people either because I am not interested or I feel I am not good enough for them and they would be better off with someone else. I come to Broad Ripple for homework and I just look around at all of the groups of friends and couple all just hanging out, and then there is me, just sitting here, alone, barely able to do any of my homework because I am too busy looking out the window fixated on the fact I am just here, with myself, no one else, just me, alone. People tell me "you shouldn't try dating until you finish school and have time... Ya...I am in my mid 40s, can only go to school part time because of major ADHD and the fact that I have to WORK to for college. When I have time, ya, sure, I'll just wait until I am on my death bed from old age and start browsing through tinder and trying to date then. I think I would actually be able to work on homework more if I actually had a relationship, one that was NOT poly, NOT one that caused me to feel like I will never be good enough. Fuck.. No kids, no relationship, 1 family member left. After the gaslighting, guilt inducing mom dies, that will be it as far as family. Not counting her, I have no family, barely see friends, and I just work and go to school. Last of my blood line as well, never was able to give my dad grand kids before he decided to blow his fucking head off, speaking of that, 5 days from now will be the 15 year anniversary of him deciding to kill himself. He would be 71 now...
Just me, alone, undateable, unlovable, unworthy, staying alive not even out of spite. Honestly I do not want to put my mom through my suicide, so I do not do it. After she is gone however, I have very little keeping me here aside from old promises, but I'm not sure if I will be strong enough to keep those much longer. I really am over this bullshit life. Sure I have friends who love me as friends, people I rarely see, but no one who loves me as more, no one to share this life with.
All of these fucking couples and friends walking around having a good time, it is depression inducing honestly. It's bullshit that I am honestly jealous of other peoples happiness.
I need to get into better shape to extend my life before I have a heart attack or stroke,,, but honestly I just want it to happen already, just make it quick with little pain is all I ask.
Write this here just to write it / say it, and I know no one will ever read it but me.
Just me, alone, undateable, unlovable, unworthy, staying alive not even out of spite. Honestly I do not want to put my mom through my suicide, so I do not do it. After she is gone however, I have very little keeping me here aside from old promises, but I'm not sure if I will be strong enough to keep those much longer. I really am over this bullshit life. Sure I have friends who love me as friends, people I rarely see, but no one who loves me as more, no one to share this life with.
All of these fucking couples and friends walking around having a good time, it is depression inducing honestly. It's bullshit that I am honestly jealous of other peoples happiness.
I need to get into better shape to extend my life before I have a heart attack or stroke,,, but honestly I just want it to happen already, just make it quick with little pain is all I ask.
Write this here just to write it / say it, and I know no one will ever read it but me.