Drunken blogging = no good

[greythorne]

So I live with my boss and his fam now. I work as late as I want and sleep till I wake up. That comes to an end,,, kind of. Economy goes to shit, orders drop, and now I am looking to get a job to help out around here more. First my dad shoots himself and I have to spend my vacation to go to his funeral, then my mom ends up having cancer " chemo seems to have gotten rid of it" and now my former step dad "closest thing I have to a pop left" ends up needing to have surgery to repair his neck. Pretty much his disc along the C4 vertebrae exploded inward and is wrapped around his spinal cord causing a shit ton of pain. Doc says he needs surgery NOW or he could end up losing the use of his legs. Waiting to hear back from the neurosurgeon to find out more and about the risks. If something goes wrong, well, that would be bad. Talked to him over the phone and I could hear the fear in his voice.... I've never heard him scared before. I offered to bust ass to get what needs to go out from the shop done so I could try to pick up 2 full time jobs to help out here and to try to help him out when he is recovering from surgery, but he said no that he always figure something out and he would wrather me do what I want to do in life "working with armour". I know so many other people have it harder than I do, but all of this negative shit is weighing down on me. I need to get out of the house. I know I have pissed a few friends off by not calling or saying hey in any way in the last couple of months, but the strenght of my depression topped with so much negative shit surrounding me is making it very hard to get even get out of bed in the mornings. I'm starting to sleep 10 hours a day which is not a good sign. I felt good today but that is only because I took a multi vitamin with a fat burner that had about 400mg of caffeine. Other than today, the few days prior were hard for me to merely function, work went slow and I had to keep on top of myself to keep working or I would catch myself stairing at the floor not moving for 15+ minutes at a time. Part of me would like to be place on meds so I feel nothing but the bigger part of me knows that would be an easy way out and I've already had a bad experience with meds when I was a kid, so no more meds for me, ever. I spend a lot of time thinking about self worth. I am 30, I live with someone else and their fam, I am single with no family of my own, when I find someone of mutual interest (very few do I find) I find a way to fuck it up,,, every time,,, I rarely speak to any blood fam or friends, I got fired from a job that caused me a lot of stress that paid the mortgage and went full time at a job I love but had to give up my house to keep working here full time and now the orders are falling off,,, and my credit cards are starting to pile up. Like I said, I know other people have it harder than I do and that leads me to feel I am being a selfish bastard, and that just makes me feel worse. At the very least I wish I could stop fucking things up with the female types and actualy have a real relationship, but at this rate I highly doubt it will happen before I am old, and but by that point there is no point, or at least as far as I go that's how I feel. People say if you have everything you want you have nothing because if you have everything what is the point to do anything else. I just want a few specific things. I have one of them, the shop, but even that is at risk. If the shop dies, I will have nothing left aside from my cat. If the shop dies I will do what I have to do to take care of my cat, but he is 16. If both the shop and my cat fade away,, I give up, because that really all I have. I take that back, if Vic ends up needing my help if the surgery goes bad, I'll fight for him,,, and one other person I won't name. The world as a whole I have no love for, for a few people I have a lot, but even that seems to fade away as I find new ways to sabatage my life.

Started the day off good, got drunk, now I'm thinking way too much. My shoulders are heavy, I am tired, and no amount of talking to anyone will solve anything. I don't know what to do anymore.