A time of reflection . . and soberity as it were
It seems that I have fallen into an old habit. That I haven't done in quite some time. lol, but I guess it is expected. Along with the Celtic music that I am presently listening too. The interesting events of this evening stirred up.
Can't say exactly what the hell possessed me to do what I did. But, I must admit that I have taken great strides to not fall back into bad habits. To simply allow life to take its natural course. If something nice and positive should happen. Great! If something negative is to come of it? ? ? Well, then . . . you just be honest and see just what the truth will get yeah. LOL, haven't always been the best man, have been the most honest man, and certainly not the sexiest man alive. While maybe to someone out there. ;)
Sorry, I have gone a bit off subject. . . I'm prone to doing that. As anyone will tell you who has ever spent any amount of Quality time with me. I will not say exactly what I'm doing wrong. But we will simply say that I am smoking cigs again ;) Never have stopped drinking totally. Some times I have drank more than then others. But, suffice to say I haven't picked up a "Cig" in a very long time. Sure, now and a great while I might take a few puffs off of mutual friends smoke. But that would generally be about it. Or if something happen to come across my way. I might partake and enjoy the sweet nicotine.
It seems to help dull the remains of things that I can't change. People are who and what they are. No matter, what you may wish and want with all your might. You simply can't change the way someone is. Not by marriage, not by sheer desire, not by any forces known to man or woman. It just isn't that simple to do or possible for that matter. Rather then fight the good fight. Fighting to hold on to what was! What could be! I simply have steeled myself to the fact that. . . I have to wait!
Wait for what you may ask? No, not some sort of mystical sign of hope and longing. Just simply waiting alone. Trying to pay off those debts that I have incurred do to being out of work for so long. Paying off attorneys and so forth. My parents who were so understanding and kind. Those are the debts that are the easiest to pay off!
The hardest debt is the one I have placed upon myself with my dear Grandmother. She was kind and generous soul. To one and all. She wasn’t a foolish woman that would waste money. But, let it come to her family. Then she would throw it away by the truckload. Hoping to have some sort of windfall. So, that she could make all of her families problems go away with some money. LOL, she truly was a saint. She was over a hundred years old. Even in her last days. As a I kept vigil over her. She would tell me not to worry. That she didn’t need me to nurse maid her. Sadly, when she needed me the most. I wasn’t there for her. I know she is in a better place now. All the same, if I could go back and do it over. I would have been by her side. No one should have to die alone. Especial such a wonderful woman as she. My parents were there by her side struggling to do the best they knew how. In vague attempt to save her from passing away. Alas, they didn’t have a clue, until I got there and pushed them aside. Too late, too late again to save a life that I held in high regard. To late to make up for the times I had been less than good to them all.
Sometimes it is a great deal easier to be like my Grandmother. I can only guess that there were days that I didn’t make it easy for her to be so sweet and carrying. There are days that I have found myself hung up on my own selfishness. Instead of being a good person looking to help another as my Grandmother did so often. To pass along the positive message. That good things come to those who wait. I thought that I had found everything I needed or wanted in life here a few years ago. However, due to my own selfishness. I destroyed a young mans seemingly happy world. As well as breaking the heart of his mother repeatedly. Perhaps, in time I will manage to atone for all these sins as well as the others that haunt my restless sleep.
Now I wait still, waiting is the hardest aspect of life. I have tried to "Seize the Day"! That works or seemingly it appears that it does. Then things . . . return to the normal flow. Phone calls are either at the wrong time. Or simply not answered or returned in a timely manner. I understand that people have to work and have their own lives to lead. But, has society gone so far south. That you can't take a moment to pick up the phone and say. You know what, "Your in my thoughts still. . . And they make me smile!" Or perhaps "I find strength in the memories of the times we have spent together recently." Sometime you just have to wonder . . .
Something’s just don't ever change. No matter what you want, No matter how you change you life, No matter how far you go to forget the past few days! Sooner or later the booze wears off, the "Cigs" just aren't as enjoyable. Life marches on, but leaves behind what seems like these potholes you walk into and jar your world about. When will it happen, Will it happen this month?, What the hell is taking so long? Apparently she is having a blast? Then again, she was always having a blast with her girlfriends? Few seem to be the times "we" enjoyed similar times! LOL, I do so hate the fact that I have found myself doing this. . . So, I will stop here.
I will find myself the promised peace of sleep. ROFLMFAO, I can't recall the last time I actually had a good and proper night’s rest! I believe it was a few weeks ago. Then again, with all the things I have started drinking and what not. I'm not exactly sure what the hell is going on. I just hope that I am thought of warmly and that today. . . Is not the day I pass. Today will be the day, I am able to help someone feel better and smile. Then perhaps, I can share in their smile and loose myself in a selfless act of kindness. Hey, there are worse habits one can develop. Isn't there? ? ?
Can't say exactly what the hell possessed me to do what I did. But, I must admit that I have taken great strides to not fall back into bad habits. To simply allow life to take its natural course. If something nice and positive should happen. Great! If something negative is to come of it? ? ? Well, then . . . you just be honest and see just what the truth will get yeah. LOL, haven't always been the best man, have been the most honest man, and certainly not the sexiest man alive. While maybe to someone out there. ;)
Sorry, I have gone a bit off subject. . . I'm prone to doing that. As anyone will tell you who has ever spent any amount of Quality time with me. I will not say exactly what I'm doing wrong. But we will simply say that I am smoking cigs again ;) Never have stopped drinking totally. Some times I have drank more than then others. But, suffice to say I haven't picked up a "Cig" in a very long time. Sure, now and a great while I might take a few puffs off of mutual friends smoke. But that would generally be about it. Or if something happen to come across my way. I might partake and enjoy the sweet nicotine.
It seems to help dull the remains of things that I can't change. People are who and what they are. No matter, what you may wish and want with all your might. You simply can't change the way someone is. Not by marriage, not by sheer desire, not by any forces known to man or woman. It just isn't that simple to do or possible for that matter. Rather then fight the good fight. Fighting to hold on to what was! What could be! I simply have steeled myself to the fact that. . . I have to wait!
Wait for what you may ask? No, not some sort of mystical sign of hope and longing. Just simply waiting alone. Trying to pay off those debts that I have incurred do to being out of work for so long. Paying off attorneys and so forth. My parents who were so understanding and kind. Those are the debts that are the easiest to pay off!
The hardest debt is the one I have placed upon myself with my dear Grandmother. She was kind and generous soul. To one and all. She wasn’t a foolish woman that would waste money. But, let it come to her family. Then she would throw it away by the truckload. Hoping to have some sort of windfall. So, that she could make all of her families problems go away with some money. LOL, she truly was a saint. She was over a hundred years old. Even in her last days. As a I kept vigil over her. She would tell me not to worry. That she didn’t need me to nurse maid her. Sadly, when she needed me the most. I wasn’t there for her. I know she is in a better place now. All the same, if I could go back and do it over. I would have been by her side. No one should have to die alone. Especial such a wonderful woman as she. My parents were there by her side struggling to do the best they knew how. In vague attempt to save her from passing away. Alas, they didn’t have a clue, until I got there and pushed them aside. Too late, too late again to save a life that I held in high regard. To late to make up for the times I had been less than good to them all.
Sometimes it is a great deal easier to be like my Grandmother. I can only guess that there were days that I didn’t make it easy for her to be so sweet and carrying. There are days that I have found myself hung up on my own selfishness. Instead of being a good person looking to help another as my Grandmother did so often. To pass along the positive message. That good things come to those who wait. I thought that I had found everything I needed or wanted in life here a few years ago. However, due to my own selfishness. I destroyed a young mans seemingly happy world. As well as breaking the heart of his mother repeatedly. Perhaps, in time I will manage to atone for all these sins as well as the others that haunt my restless sleep.
Now I wait still, waiting is the hardest aspect of life. I have tried to "Seize the Day"! That works or seemingly it appears that it does. Then things . . . return to the normal flow. Phone calls are either at the wrong time. Or simply not answered or returned in a timely manner. I understand that people have to work and have their own lives to lead. But, has society gone so far south. That you can't take a moment to pick up the phone and say. You know what, "Your in my thoughts still. . . And they make me smile!" Or perhaps "I find strength in the memories of the times we have spent together recently." Sometime you just have to wonder . . .
Something’s just don't ever change. No matter what you want, No matter how you change you life, No matter how far you go to forget the past few days! Sooner or later the booze wears off, the "Cigs" just aren't as enjoyable. Life marches on, but leaves behind what seems like these potholes you walk into and jar your world about. When will it happen, Will it happen this month?, What the hell is taking so long? Apparently she is having a blast? Then again, she was always having a blast with her girlfriends? Few seem to be the times "we" enjoyed similar times! LOL, I do so hate the fact that I have found myself doing this. . . So, I will stop here.
I will find myself the promised peace of sleep. ROFLMFAO, I can't recall the last time I actually had a good and proper night’s rest! I believe it was a few weeks ago. Then again, with all the things I have started drinking and what not. I'm not exactly sure what the hell is going on. I just hope that I am thought of warmly and that today. . . Is not the day I pass. Today will be the day, I am able to help someone feel better and smile. Then perhaps, I can share in their smile and loose myself in a selfless act of kindness. Hey, there are worse habits one can develop. Isn't there? ? ?