...hesitation
i've been re-reading Stephen King's Dark Tower series; it is one of my top favorite stories, and i don't consider myself a King fan. i'm done with the first five, but the sixth and seventh book are the long and arduous and painful portions of story--i haven't been able to touch them yet. i've read other books in the meantime, but book six is there by my pillow every night when i climb into bed. it's a reluctance to finish it, a wistfulness to remain at a point when the characters are still safe and happy and strong, and perhaps a hope that it will end differently this time combining with the fear that it will not.
every person is on a quest.
this is our life, our only life we are sure of having, and we don't know how long it will last or what will happen to us along the way. there are elements of control, parameters of possibility; which seem to widen and narrow as we move along.
i have been realizing that accepting adulthood is in many ways accepting the compartmentalization of the possible realities available to you as you move forward in time. perhaps feeling dissatisfied with where life, chance, and your choices have lead explains how loving children become callous adults. we are so far past the day when a person could read every book every published. we have to decide where we will specialize and invest our time, and each decision makes it harder and less probable we will be able to accomplish the thing on the other end of the spectrum.
few people are fortunate enough to have a strong sense of purpose, and even less have the opportunity of achieving their purpose. through the support, sacrifice, and encouragement of my family i am a rare soul who has both.
for so long i was approaching that actualization. but now, the large part of my life i spent striving to begin my career is over. i am starting my third year of 'living the dream', and presumably the only thing stopping me is me. i find it daunting in the cusp of the year; the deep solitude of Winter (such a shift from the buzzing dance of life the other three seasons) provides time to reflect and prepare for the activity to come, but it also gives space to hesitate and feel overwhelmed with the weight of what is ahead.
i'm not alone, right? many people struggle to take the next step before them. so why do i feel like such a failure in those moments? i think of what my parents have done to prepare me, all my loved ones who are proud and excited to see what i make of myself, and finally the expectations i have for myself and my vision of who i may be; and the fear of disappointment is a wave covering my head.
THREE WEEKS LATER
I have finished Song of Susannah (the sixth book). I am shaking off my paralysis and jumping back into the fray. I have taken action. I have rallied my support structure.
'one step at a time' is the mantra.
if Roland's ka-tet can take on the Crimson King, i can handle my end of things, right?
i am trying to set aside worrying about all the things i do not have time for (will i ever finish that novel??) and focus on dividing the monuments of my life into small steps.
i am so lucky. i have family and friends who love and support me, a fantastic partner who goes to great lengths to make me happy, and a life i chose (as much as one is able). there is no reason to rush, i am living my dreams and i must soak up every precious moment.
perhaps it is good to have these moments of feeling overwhelmed, to feel shaken and humble and desperate. when i gather my strength to push on it is with the sense of perspective easily lost in the rush of life, and with a renewed pride in where i am in this time--this moment.
i sing your praises, Oh-Universe.
i celebrate my part in THIS; i pray that i add to the balance of good and love.
every person is on a quest.
this is our life, our only life we are sure of having, and we don't know how long it will last or what will happen to us along the way. there are elements of control, parameters of possibility; which seem to widen and narrow as we move along.
i have been realizing that accepting adulthood is in many ways accepting the compartmentalization of the possible realities available to you as you move forward in time. perhaps feeling dissatisfied with where life, chance, and your choices have lead explains how loving children become callous adults. we are so far past the day when a person could read every book every published. we have to decide where we will specialize and invest our time, and each decision makes it harder and less probable we will be able to accomplish the thing on the other end of the spectrum.
few people are fortunate enough to have a strong sense of purpose, and even less have the opportunity of achieving their purpose. through the support, sacrifice, and encouragement of my family i am a rare soul who has both.
for so long i was approaching that actualization. but now, the large part of my life i spent striving to begin my career is over. i am starting my third year of 'living the dream', and presumably the only thing stopping me is me. i find it daunting in the cusp of the year; the deep solitude of Winter (such a shift from the buzzing dance of life the other three seasons) provides time to reflect and prepare for the activity to come, but it also gives space to hesitate and feel overwhelmed with the weight of what is ahead.
i'm not alone, right? many people struggle to take the next step before them. so why do i feel like such a failure in those moments? i think of what my parents have done to prepare me, all my loved ones who are proud and excited to see what i make of myself, and finally the expectations i have for myself and my vision of who i may be; and the fear of disappointment is a wave covering my head.
THREE WEEKS LATER
I have finished Song of Susannah (the sixth book). I am shaking off my paralysis and jumping back into the fray. I have taken action. I have rallied my support structure.
'one step at a time' is the mantra.
if Roland's ka-tet can take on the Crimson King, i can handle my end of things, right?
i am trying to set aside worrying about all the things i do not have time for (will i ever finish that novel??) and focus on dividing the monuments of my life into small steps.
i am so lucky. i have family and friends who love and support me, a fantastic partner who goes to great lengths to make me happy, and a life i chose (as much as one is able). there is no reason to rush, i am living my dreams and i must soak up every precious moment.
perhaps it is good to have these moments of feeling overwhelmed, to feel shaken and humble and desperate. when i gather my strength to push on it is with the sense of perspective easily lost in the rush of life, and with a renewed pride in where i am in this time--this moment.
i sing your praises, Oh-Universe.
i celebrate my part in THIS; i pray that i add to the balance of good and love.