discoveries
I spent three amazing weeks in Korea, and came home to a busy work schedule, food poisoning, and 14hrs of time difference to adjust to. not only did i have amazing chance to explore Korea as a country and cultural experience, but i also was able to grow closer to B and share some wonderful moments with him.
from long years of being with partners who readily give lip-service but hold arms-length otherwise (the kind who make the end of a relationship a unilateral decision that they will send you a memo about later), i have really developed issue with validation and the apparently-inherent insecurity of relationships. when i have any sort of inkling that something is not on the level or less than perfect, it is quite literally a fight against a knee-jerk reaction to keep in perspective and not 'fall down the rabbit hole' of assumptions. it is even worse when my partner has the same insecurities, mine being not uncommon at all, and we exacerbate the situation beyond recognition. i lose perspective and can't enjoy what i have in the moment for fear of what i might lose in the future. i have grown to value one thing above all others; honesty. the honest truth, no matter how far it is from what i think i want to hear, is still infinitely better and causes much less pain than false niceties. the truly difficult struggle in my love of honesty is discovering how to correctly encourage it with one's reactions even if the information you are receiving is painful. and even more so, if i do feel that honesty is the best policy, shouldn't my most honest response be embracing its revelation? and being present, and accepting change is mediation practice. but, when a fellow you have been in love with for years finally tells you that he doesn't think he will ever feel the same about you, smiling may not readily be an option. and that's ok. but accompanying that initial sting is relief, and an understanding of how hard it is for somethings to be said; because, you care so much about the other person that it is not about rationalization, platitudes, or saving face.
so what do i have? i have a man who cares about me as much as he can. who cares enough to tell me the whole story when i ask, when it would be easier not to. who has been a close-friend for almost ten years. someone who never asked for my love, but who has never pushed me away. someone i genuinely feel comfortable around, and who i fundamentally feel deserves to have unconditional love. someone who has shown numerous times that he is willing to travel across the country or planet to see me. someone i've had countless adventures with: http://greysniperpoet.livejournal.com/2006/10/15/; http://greysniperpoet.livejournal.com/2008/02/27/; http://greysniperpoet.livejournal.com/2008/06/09/; http://greysniperpoet.livejournal.com/2011/01/11/. someone who wants me to come to Korea and spend three weeks with him. someone who's open to what might be. someone who values who i am. someone who is a good person to the core, even if he doesn't see it. what i'm attracted to in people is simple but hard to find: brains, wit/humor, and a strong moral compass; i've never met anyone who matches B in maximizing those qualities, and he's become the standard by which i measure everyone else to some degree.
all that i really lost was expectation, which is more of a blessing. not being concerned with how things will end up lets me refocus on what is right in front of me. that's what i need, and what B's always been good about; not letting me get sucked into my own neurosis too far, and i've always valued that. we had this talk early in my trip, so i was able to cry a little, thank him for his honesty, and fully enjoy the rest of my vacation. and B feeling like he didn't need to worry about leading me on, allowed him to be more affectionate and in-the-moment as well. he even took me out for a romantic date one evening, which was very sweet. he is a spectacular person and i'm happy to be in his life however he wants me. and when i am with him, it is enough. he treats me wonderfully, and i want for nothing with him. if i can keep myself from feeling inadequate for not being able to be his absolute 'everything', then i am very happy with what we have together. it might not be a conventional relationship, but it is a relationship of some sort that has been developing and growing over the last five years. probably the closest thing to a happy ending i will ever have. a part of me knows that i won't be able to trust anyone new again enough to fall in love. i think that chapter of my life is closed. i am ok with that. i have wonderful friends who have had their heart broken a dozen or more times before they found their 'one', but after three solid knock, i'm done. i just can't go through that heartbreak again. and i'm ok with that. i have a career starting, which i have to devote myself to; i have wonderful friends and family who make my life very complete; and i like who i am.
from long years of being with partners who readily give lip-service but hold arms-length otherwise (the kind who make the end of a relationship a unilateral decision that they will send you a memo about later), i have really developed issue with validation and the apparently-inherent insecurity of relationships. when i have any sort of inkling that something is not on the level or less than perfect, it is quite literally a fight against a knee-jerk reaction to keep in perspective and not 'fall down the rabbit hole' of assumptions. it is even worse when my partner has the same insecurities, mine being not uncommon at all, and we exacerbate the situation beyond recognition. i lose perspective and can't enjoy what i have in the moment for fear of what i might lose in the future. i have grown to value one thing above all others; honesty. the honest truth, no matter how far it is from what i think i want to hear, is still infinitely better and causes much less pain than false niceties. the truly difficult struggle in my love of honesty is discovering how to correctly encourage it with one's reactions even if the information you are receiving is painful. and even more so, if i do feel that honesty is the best policy, shouldn't my most honest response be embracing its revelation? and being present, and accepting change is mediation practice. but, when a fellow you have been in love with for years finally tells you that he doesn't think he will ever feel the same about you, smiling may not readily be an option. and that's ok. but accompanying that initial sting is relief, and an understanding of how hard it is for somethings to be said; because, you care so much about the other person that it is not about rationalization, platitudes, or saving face.
so what do i have? i have a man who cares about me as much as he can. who cares enough to tell me the whole story when i ask, when it would be easier not to. who has been a close-friend for almost ten years. someone who never asked for my love, but who has never pushed me away. someone i genuinely feel comfortable around, and who i fundamentally feel deserves to have unconditional love. someone who has shown numerous times that he is willing to travel across the country or planet to see me. someone i've had countless adventures with: http://greysniperpoet.livejournal.com/2006/10/15/; http://greysniperpoet.livejournal.com/2008/02/27/; http://greysniperpoet.livejournal.com/2008/06/09/; http://greysniperpoet.livejournal.com/2011/01/11/. someone who wants me to come to Korea and spend three weeks with him. someone who's open to what might be. someone who values who i am. someone who is a good person to the core, even if he doesn't see it. what i'm attracted to in people is simple but hard to find: brains, wit/humor, and a strong moral compass; i've never met anyone who matches B in maximizing those qualities, and he's become the standard by which i measure everyone else to some degree.
all that i really lost was expectation, which is more of a blessing. not being concerned with how things will end up lets me refocus on what is right in front of me. that's what i need, and what B's always been good about; not letting me get sucked into my own neurosis too far, and i've always valued that. we had this talk early in my trip, so i was able to cry a little, thank him for his honesty, and fully enjoy the rest of my vacation. and B feeling like he didn't need to worry about leading me on, allowed him to be more affectionate and in-the-moment as well. he even took me out for a romantic date one evening, which was very sweet. he is a spectacular person and i'm happy to be in his life however he wants me. and when i am with him, it is enough. he treats me wonderfully, and i want for nothing with him. if i can keep myself from feeling inadequate for not being able to be his absolute 'everything', then i am very happy with what we have together. it might not be a conventional relationship, but it is a relationship of some sort that has been developing and growing over the last five years. probably the closest thing to a happy ending i will ever have. a part of me knows that i won't be able to trust anyone new again enough to fall in love. i think that chapter of my life is closed. i am ok with that. i have wonderful friends who have had their heart broken a dozen or more times before they found their 'one', but after three solid knock, i'm done. i just can't go through that heartbreak again. and i'm ok with that. i have a career starting, which i have to devote myself to; i have wonderful friends and family who make my life very complete; and i like who i am.