Goddamn these vampires for what they've done to me.
"Damn These Vampires" --The Mountain Goats
Brave young cowboys of the near north side
Mount those bridge rails
Ride all night
Scream when captured
Arch your back
Let this whole town hear your knuckles crack
Sapphire Trans-Am
High beams in vain
Drive wild broncos
Down the plain
Push up to the corner
Where the turbines hiss
Some day we won't remember this
Crawl til dawn
On my hands and knees
God damn these vampires
For what they've done to me
Tie those horses
To the post outside
And let those glass doors open wide
And in their surface
See two young savage things
Barely worth remembering
Feast like pagans
Never get enough
Sleep like dead men
Wake up like dead men
And when the sun comes try not to hate the light
Some day we'll try to walk upright
Crawl til dawn
On my hands and knees
God damn these bite marks
Deep in my arteries
Crawl til dawn
On my hands and knees
God damn these vampires
For what they've done to me
The long-time, horror element of being vampirized is that it takes you past an invisible line, which forever renders you damned. You have been changed from what you were, a mortal who could and can redeem themselves, into a creature that is removed from that lineage. It doesn't matter if you were a good person before, it doesn't matter if you did not consent to being changed; there are no extinuating circumstances and no knights to ride in and save you. This is similar to the legal concept of Strict Liability. (In criminal law, for instance, there is always a mens rea component to a crime; aka, your mental culpitude. It makes the difference between a crime of passion and cold, calculated first-degree murder. With somethings, it does not matter if you were aware of something, if the condition is met, you are guilty/liable. Manufacturers and sellers of products are strictly liable for the performance and safety of their products to a degree. It doesn't matter if every step was perfect and employee acting appropriately, if someone gets hurt from your produt--they are liable.)
Is this how my heart and soul work?
I think that part of the reason I was unable to break away from my first relationship (all 7.5yrs of it!), was because I had lost my virginity to him and hated the thought of losing that picture perfect story of staying with your high school sweetheart. There was a purity aspect to it, that now, looking back, seems ridiculous. I blame our society's puritan morals and princess movies. seriously, those movies are completely unrealistic. Ala Keat's Ode to a Grecian Urn, if the lovers could catch each other in their chase around their urn, the relationship would become pain and disappointment. It is that moment of rapturous puppy love which is only truely pure if crystalized and immortalized. Fast forward past the Happily Ever After a few years, and let's see where things are! In Buddhist practices, it is essential to accept the impermanence, and therefore the precious aspect of every moment. Change is life and life is change. Accepting the inherent beauty of change allows us to quiet the mind, set down our burdens, and become the Buddha. So in some ways, embracing something fully is a good thing. But then when the change comes, are you ready?
I feel like working on this last breakup (which is now officially longer than the actual relationship was), has been a blessing and a boon. I am generally pretty happy with myself, where I am, who I am, how I operate; but I lose part of myself when it comes to romance, and I become an ugly, co dependent thing. Decided that I am tired of this shortcoming and that I would really put in some good 'me' time to hone in on my insecurities, and really shine some light on them until they are gone or I know how to control them. I did a few months of cognative behavioural therapy, and I felt like it gave me some good tools to try for a while before I go back for more. I also recently discovered neurological language programming, which is perfect for me. I visualize and spatially-orient very well, so visualizing problems, and tying emotions to conditioned responses is a promising resource to add to my toolbox.
I continue to feel as though I have been shoved past some point, and I can never go back. every relationship is full of positive experiences that i am grateful for, but each one exacts a toll that is more and more severe. i was over my first relationship (7.5 yrs) after about a month, getting over my lawschool boyfriend (1.5yrs) took four or five months, but this last one feels like it is never going to go away. how many times can a heart recover from such a break?
i don't want another real relationship until i've 'fixed' somethings with myself, and until i stop thinking of HIM as the lost love i want back. i mean, i'm glad we broke up, even if it wasn't on my terms. we had both become exactly what we said we didn't want to be: co-dependent, which is not a pretty thing. but even though i'm happier and more satisfied without that relationship, i'm still in love with him, and he is still the person i wish would walk through the fucking door sometimes. i'll never find someone as amazing and special as him, and that eats me up inside. i hope that if i work hard to better myself, maybe someday we can actually be friends and i can have him in my life again, but in a healthy way. i still see him as some perfect demi-god. i don't even really know him, but i would like the chance. not now, but maybe months or a year from now. maybe then i'll be ready--ready to see who he is and still accept him. to be that long-term friend that he wants to cultivate. how's that for the pollyanna perspective?
but none of that will mend the cracks in me.
i walk amongst the spoilt,
i eat the foods of corpses.
goddamn you, for what you've done to me.
Brave young cowboys of the near north side
Mount those bridge rails
Ride all night
Scream when captured
Arch your back
Let this whole town hear your knuckles crack
Sapphire Trans-Am
High beams in vain
Drive wild broncos
Down the plain
Push up to the corner
Where the turbines hiss
Some day we won't remember this
Crawl til dawn
On my hands and knees
God damn these vampires
For what they've done to me
Tie those horses
To the post outside
And let those glass doors open wide
And in their surface
See two young savage things
Barely worth remembering
Feast like pagans
Never get enough
Sleep like dead men
Wake up like dead men
And when the sun comes try not to hate the light
Some day we'll try to walk upright
Crawl til dawn
On my hands and knees
God damn these bite marks
Deep in my arteries
Crawl til dawn
On my hands and knees
God damn these vampires
For what they've done to me
The long-time, horror element of being vampirized is that it takes you past an invisible line, which forever renders you damned. You have been changed from what you were, a mortal who could and can redeem themselves, into a creature that is removed from that lineage. It doesn't matter if you were a good person before, it doesn't matter if you did not consent to being changed; there are no extinuating circumstances and no knights to ride in and save you. This is similar to the legal concept of Strict Liability. (In criminal law, for instance, there is always a mens rea component to a crime; aka, your mental culpitude. It makes the difference between a crime of passion and cold, calculated first-degree murder. With somethings, it does not matter if you were aware of something, if the condition is met, you are guilty/liable. Manufacturers and sellers of products are strictly liable for the performance and safety of their products to a degree. It doesn't matter if every step was perfect and employee acting appropriately, if someone gets hurt from your produt--they are liable.)
Is this how my heart and soul work?
I think that part of the reason I was unable to break away from my first relationship (all 7.5yrs of it!), was because I had lost my virginity to him and hated the thought of losing that picture perfect story of staying with your high school sweetheart. There was a purity aspect to it, that now, looking back, seems ridiculous. I blame our society's puritan morals and princess movies. seriously, those movies are completely unrealistic. Ala Keat's Ode to a Grecian Urn, if the lovers could catch each other in their chase around their urn, the relationship would become pain and disappointment. It is that moment of rapturous puppy love which is only truely pure if crystalized and immortalized. Fast forward past the Happily Ever After a few years, and let's see where things are! In Buddhist practices, it is essential to accept the impermanence, and therefore the precious aspect of every moment. Change is life and life is change. Accepting the inherent beauty of change allows us to quiet the mind, set down our burdens, and become the Buddha. So in some ways, embracing something fully is a good thing. But then when the change comes, are you ready?
I feel like working on this last breakup (which is now officially longer than the actual relationship was), has been a blessing and a boon. I am generally pretty happy with myself, where I am, who I am, how I operate; but I lose part of myself when it comes to romance, and I become an ugly, co dependent thing. Decided that I am tired of this shortcoming and that I would really put in some good 'me' time to hone in on my insecurities, and really shine some light on them until they are gone or I know how to control them. I did a few months of cognative behavioural therapy, and I felt like it gave me some good tools to try for a while before I go back for more. I also recently discovered neurological language programming, which is perfect for me. I visualize and spatially-orient very well, so visualizing problems, and tying emotions to conditioned responses is a promising resource to add to my toolbox.
I continue to feel as though I have been shoved past some point, and I can never go back. every relationship is full of positive experiences that i am grateful for, but each one exacts a toll that is more and more severe. i was over my first relationship (7.5 yrs) after about a month, getting over my lawschool boyfriend (1.5yrs) took four or five months, but this last one feels like it is never going to go away. how many times can a heart recover from such a break?
i don't want another real relationship until i've 'fixed' somethings with myself, and until i stop thinking of HIM as the lost love i want back. i mean, i'm glad we broke up, even if it wasn't on my terms. we had both become exactly what we said we didn't want to be: co-dependent, which is not a pretty thing. but even though i'm happier and more satisfied without that relationship, i'm still in love with him, and he is still the person i wish would walk through the fucking door sometimes. i'll never find someone as amazing and special as him, and that eats me up inside. i hope that if i work hard to better myself, maybe someday we can actually be friends and i can have him in my life again, but in a healthy way. i still see him as some perfect demi-god. i don't even really know him, but i would like the chance. not now, but maybe months or a year from now. maybe then i'll be ready--ready to see who he is and still accept him. to be that long-term friend that he wants to cultivate. how's that for the pollyanna perspective?
but none of that will mend the cracks in me.
i walk amongst the spoilt,
i eat the foods of corpses.
goddamn you, for what you've done to me.