This Is How You Remind Me
Summary: This is how you remind me of what I really am... The downfall of destructive relationship in five parts.
Pairing: Puck/Rachel
Rating: T
Genre: Angst
So I'm trying something different on my Puck/Rachel tirade for once! While I can see so many cutesy and potentially hilarious scenes for them in my head I can equally imagine something destructive and dangerous for the two of them in the long term...
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"Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling"
‘Noah…’
Her sigh was soft the night he appeared at her door. She was rumpled from sleep, her eyes lined with exhaustion; the third night in a row he’d roused her from her slumber.
She shook her head gently, disappointment lurking just beneath the surface. She bit her lip and reached out for him, pulling him into her apartment.
She lay him down on the couch, too tired for berating and ranting, instead choosing worked in silence. She made coffee and returned with a first aid kit.
Her fingers were tender as they probed the bruised skin of his face, tutting as she stroked him. She dabbed at his freshest wound, a new gift from yet another guy who’s debts he couldn’t repay. She placed a bandage over it, delicately smoothing it out with a sigh.
It was becoming their ritual. It was sick, perverted and he was pretty sure no normal relationship had traditions like this.
They sat in silence for a long time, her perched beside his legs, fiddling with the medical supplies in her hands.
‘This is the third night Noah,’ she finally said.
Her voice was achingly sad, full of all the things she was too afraid to say to him.
You exhaust me.
You scare me.
You ruin me.
He expected her to scream, to yell, to tell him to stop bothering her when it happened. Instead, she stroked his forehead tenderly, pressing a kiss to the raw and aching skin.
‘Please be more careful Noah. I care for you and… it hurts me to see you like this.’
With that, she turned to face him, pressing a gentle and achingly loving kiss to his lips.
‘Come to bed with me. You look like you need the sleep.’
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"It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story"
Another night. Another empty table. Another slice of her heart.
Her body ached as she stared at the empty space across from her and her eyes stung with tears that she refused to let fall. He had done it again.
The restaurant around her had fallen nearly silent, all the patrons long gone after their evening out while she remained waiting.
For their whole relationship she had done nothing but wait. She’d waited for him to ask her out, waited for him to grow up enough to care. She’d waited for him while his daughter was born and she’d waited for him when he joined the army straight out of school. She’d waited while he fell into a financial slump, promising that he’d be fine and she’d waited hopelessly as she grew steadily older, taking care of a boy who’d never learnt to love her. And now… she was waiting for him once again.
Sometimes she wondered why she was waiting, why she even bothered when she knew he wasn’t going to change. He was who he was, she’d known that at sixteen, why couldn’t she know that now?
‘Uh, miss, would you like to order anything else?’
She looked up at the waiter, who was staring at her expectantly. She bit her lip, hoisting her best brave face.
‘No, I’m on my way out. Could I have the cheque please?’
The waiter nodded, ‘Certainly.’
With that he disappeared and she gathered her things. She couldn’t believed she’d even made the effort. Again. She’d bought a dress, worn high heels, waxed her legs and plucked her eyebrows. She’d put on makeup - a rare occurrence these days when she wasn’t working and she’d saved for a month to take him out to dinner. Why had she even made the effort - she knew he wouldn’t come because he never did.
After she’d paid, Rachel walked home, hobbling in her heels. Silently, she berated herself both for the hope she’d held in her heart and the way the tears were streaking down her cheeks. Why was she crying over him again?
As she reached her block she found him. He was sitting on the curb, a brown paper bag in one hand, slumped against a trash can. She came to a stop before him, swiping the tears off her face furiously.
‘What are you doing here?’ she asked bitterly.
‘Happy Anniversary Berry,’ he slurred, looking up at her through bloodshot eyes.
‘Go to hell Noah,’ she spat back.
She turned on her heel with the intention of stomping up to her apartment. She would be strong.
‘Berry, please…’ he murmured weakly, ‘I love you.’
She froze, her will wavering. Her eyes slid shut, trying to ignore the stab between the ribs as he said it.
‘Berry, I love you. I’m sorry baby. Tell me you love me too baby.’
Slowly she turned, hating herself just a little bit more with each inch she moved. Why was she doing this? Why did she keep giving him chances? Why him?
She winced, trying to ignore the voice screaming in her head. Instead, she picked him up off the ground, allowing him to fall heavily against her, supporting most of his weight.
‘You need to sober up…’
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"It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you"
‘Get up!’ she screamed, ‘Get up off the fucking couch!’
Puck stared at her hazily, his brain pounding against his skull, her shrill voice nearly shattering his mind.
’Shut up woman!’ he groaned, ‘Shut up now!’
’NO!’ she shrieked, ‘Get up!’
Her tiny hands began to rain down on any spare skin she could find, slapping him, sharp, biting bursts of pain.
’Get the fuck up!’ she exclaimed shrilly, ‘Get up now!’
Groggily, Puck struggled into a semi-upright position. He didn’t remember much about the night before, or to be honest, the night before that. Scanning his short-term memory all he could draw upon was darkness.
‘Jesus woman, leave me alone,’ he groaned aggressively, swiping a hand against his clammy and sticky forehead.
‘I will not leave you alone! I’m sick of this!’
‘Sick of what! Leave me alone!’ he bellowed.
‘Get the fuck up!’
There was a sharp, cracking sound above Puck’s head and he ducked in time for an insipid cow ornament to go careening in the space above him. It hit the wall solidly, shattering into a million tiny little shards that rained down on Puck’s shoulders.
’What the hell is wrong you with! You’re destroying our shit!’
Rachel’s eyes grew wild and furious, ‘Our? There is no our! There’s just me! Me in this hell hole of relationship! On this fucking express train to HELL!’
‘Rachel shut up! You’re making my ears bleed!’ he groaned obnoxiously.
‘It’s always just me! Just me who works, who pays for this god damn apartment! Just me who puts food in your drunk ass! Just me who pays for all your bloody alcohol in the first play! It’s just me!’
’Oh god, here we go again with the whining. Yeah, we get it, your life is so hard. You’ve got it so bad. Blah blah, I feel so much pity,’ he yelled sarcastically.
Rachel let out a frustrated scream and pegged a photo frame at him, this time aiming directly for his face. Puck dodged the frame barely and pushed himself to his feet, staggering toward her.
‘You’re so annoying!’ he bellowed, ‘You sit here, you whine, you complain and you never do a damn thing about it!’
’What am I supposed to do about it!’ she shrieked, punching his chest, ‘I put my acting career on hold because you’re too drunk to be left alone in the house at nights! I’ve got nothing to fall back on but a cheap ass apartment, a job at Walmart and the glory of community theatre roles! This wasn’t what I had in mind for my life Noah!’
He rolled his eyes, ‘Oh great! Here we go again with the ‘these aren’t my dreams!’ I’m sick of your crap!’
‘Well guess what! I’m sick of your crap too!’ she screeched, ‘Because my life is now a dead end. I’ve got no where to go but the grave okay? You did this to me? How does that feel?’
’It feels fucking fantastic!’ Puck groaned, slamming the mantle above Rachel’s head.
’Go to hell Noah!’ she screeched, turning on her heel and storming out of the apartment.
‘See you there!’ he called after her.
She slammed the front door behind her and he was left in resounding silence. Later than night she would return home, because, she’d said it herself, she had no where else to go. He would curl into bed with her and whisper sad apologies. I’m sorry baby. I love you baby. I’ll do better baby. But she knew as well as he did that they were empty promises. Their lives weren’t going to change.
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"This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking"
Her hands shook and her frame wracked as she sat on the couch waiting for him. She was waiting for him again, but this time she knew, would be the last time. She was done waiting for her life.
The door swung open and her boyfriend staggered in, drunk, as usual. He saw her through his alcohol hazed eyes and a vague grin formed.
‘Baaabe.’
‘Hello Noah,’ she greeted coolly.
‘Sup? How was work today?’
‘Noah, I need to talk to you.’
She didn’t know why she’d bothered to wait for him that one last time. It’d be easier for her if she hadn’t waited. But despite the fact that in their ten years he’d given her nothing, she felt that she owed him this much.
Puck leaned forward, reaching for a kiss and she pulled back from him.
‘Noah, I’m serious. Please let me talk.’
‘Sure babes, anything for you…’
‘Noah…’ she began, her voice wavering, ‘What I’m about to say won’t come as a surprise to you. It’s been coming for a long time.’
Puck stared at her blankly and she shook her head.
‘Noah, you know… you know how much I love you. I wouldn’t still be here if I hadn’t loved you all these years but…’
She looked at him, in a drunken stupor, slumped over the couch.
‘But, I… I can’t do this anymore.’
‘Huh?’
‘Noah, I can’t do this, I can’t wait any longer for you. I can’t wait for you to sober up, become a man and let me start my life. I’ve put off so much and… I think I’ve waited long enough for you. Your time is up…’
‘But babe…’
‘Noah, I’m not done. You exhaust me. And slowly you’re killing me. You’re poisonous and your drunkenness and your fighting and your abuse, it’s not my burden to bear anymore. If I bear if any longer, I will not survive. I… I know that I deserve better than this.’
Puck bristled, his spine stiffening, ‘Where do you think you’re going to go? You’ve got nowhere!’
‘No, Noah, you’ve got nowhere. I’ve called a counsellor and they’re coming to pick you up and take you some place where they can help you. And I’m going to stay with some friends until I can get back on my feet again.’
She stood up, gathering her one, meagre bag of possessions, ‘I need to get back on the track that you derailed me off. This… this isn’t my life.’
She took one step toward the door and Puck caught her wrist, ‘Babe…’
She shook her head, biting her lip, ‘No. Noah, please, let me be.’
She took yet another step and he fell to the floor on his knees, clutching her ankle.
‘Rachel, baby, I love…’
‘Please Noah. Let me go. I need this.’
She shook her ankle free of his grasp and walked from his apartment for the last time.
That night as she rode the Greyhound to her fathers’ house she thought of him. Had the counsellor arrived yet? Would he accept the help? Would he ever get better?
She settled down into her seat, placing one hand over the tiny swell in her stomach. This, this little child was her protection now and she had to do this, to give her a better chance at life.
‘We’re safe now…’
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"This is how you remind me
Of what I really am"
The first time they saw each other in the after was sadder than he thought it would be. A brief, fleeting moment as they passed in the street, her on her way to Starbucks, him on his way to a job interview at Home Depot. He saw her and he swore his heart stopped. She saw him and she swore that she might faint.
They met in the middle of the street, face to face with one another. She cradled a baby in her arms and the tall, hulking husband behind her was pushing a double stroller filled with two more children.
He had looked different when she saw him, he was wearing a clean shirt and his hair was neat and combed. To him, she hadn’t changed an ounce. She was still the beautiful sixteen year old immortalized in his memory.
He told her that he was sober and had been for three years. She smiled and he swore her eyes glistened, and told him how happy she was for him. She told him that she had gone back to college and just graduated and that she was moving to New York for a new role. He had never been prouder.
They smiled softly at one another, their moment ending once and for all. He nodded and her, shoving his hands in his pockets with a brief, ‘Nice to see you again.’
He never saw her again, and he knew she preferred it that way. But often, on the long, lonely and often cold nights he would find his mind drifting to her; the girl he’d loved and in the process, nearly destroyed.
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