Butterflies (1/1)
Title: Butterflies (1/1)
Author: GreysAddictJ
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. No infringement intended. Also, I don’t use a beta, so all mistakes are mine.
Summary: Takes place during Episode 7x11. Callie’s thoughts on Arizona’s return. Will she be able to forgive her?
A/N: Parts of this story take place during episode 7x11. If you haven’t seen it yet, don’t read it if you don’t like spoilers. I realize there are promos, sneak peeks, and spoilers out for episode 7x12. However, I am choosing to ignore those and to remain in my happy pink bubble. So as long as you’ve seen through episode 7x11, you won’t encounter any spoilers.
A/N2: Frankly, I’m kind of sick of the whole Africa fiasco and its aftermath. I’m not much for angst and the story line’s getting me down (as much as I think they need to do it for realism). Why I chose to write this, I don’t know, since I’m more about fluffy stories as of late. However, parts of this story have been in my head for about a week and won’t leave me alone. So apparently I have to write about it.
A/N3: Okay, no more author’s notes. Trust me when I say I don’t think that Arizona is the only one at fault. However, this is written from Callie’s POV, so naturally, it may slant that way at times. It’s about what she’s feeling.
* * * * *
Callie was exhausted. Out of nowhere, Arizona had shown up on her doorstep the night before, announcing that she’d come back, that she’d given up Malawi, to be with her. Unable to deal with the overwhelming flood of conflicting emotions, Callie had shut the door on her. She’d hoped, in vain, that once the door was shut, it would block out the mixture of pain, grief, elation, confusion, and anger that had arrived along with her ex-girlfriend. However, even though Arizona’s physical presence was shut out of the apartment, she was still the subject of every thought and feeling running through Callie’s brain and through her heart, for the rest of the night.
Callie had tossed and turned until almost sunrise, warring with herself as she tried to decide what to do about Arizona’s sudden reappearance. Mark had never returned home that night and Callie was thankful for that. He’d have wanted to talk about it and she was in no position to do so. She had no idea what to think. One moment, she was joyous. Arizona had come back. She’d missed her enough to give up Africa. The next moment, she was angry. What right did she have, thinking she could just waltz back into her life after ripping her heart out in very public fashion? Did she honestly think she could get away with that? Callie felt like she’d spent the night on a see-saw - waffling back and forth between two extremes. She hated Arizona . . . she hated herself, for caring so much. One person shouldn’t be able to have such a hold over her. No matter which end of the spectrum she was on at any given moment, one constant remained the same. She was still wholly, completely, madly in love with the damn woman. But there was one nagging question - was love enough?
After managing to get a few precious hours of sleep, Callie dragged herself out of bed and readied herself for work. She was hoping, praying, that somehow, someway, she wouldn’t run into Arizona during the day. She couldn’t deal with it. It was hard enough putting on a brave face when Arizona had been thousands of miles away in Malawi. Having to come face to face with her would test the last desperate thread of Callie’s resolve. It wasn’t that she couldn’t stand the sight of her ex - in fact the problem was quite the opposite. She loved her so damn much that it hurt. And it hurt even more knowing what Arizona had done to her.
She’d at last decided that she needed to move on, that opening herself up so completely to the woman had been a huge mistake. Sure, she’d been joyously, insanely happy with Arizona. The highs had been incredible, unlike anything she’d even known before. However, the lows had been even worse. She’d thought she knew what it was to have her heart broken before. She had be so utterly wrong. Nothing Erica, George, or any other exes had done to her came even close to what Arizona had done in that damn airport. She had been completely broken. And just when she was beginning to put herself back together, Arizona had come back into her life, tearing down the tenuously repaired walls of her heart all over again. So no, it was time to move on. The pain wasn’t worth it. Sighing with a mixture of exhaustion and heart-sickness, Callie grabbed her jacket and purse and headed out the door.
As she opened the door, she was shocked . . . and a little touched, to see Arizona sitting outside. Had she really spent all night waiting for her? Despite her best defensive measures, her heart warmed a little at the thought.
“You sat here, all night?” Callie finally asked, feeling a little pity for Arizona, who might be hurting as much as her.
Arizona gave her a repentant half smile, with those damn dimples, and rose from the floor. God, she was pretty. “Ummm . . . well, no. Just flew in from Africa, so I went to a hotel and took a shower, got some sleep and came back really early.”
Any sympathetic feelings that might have been clouding her judgment flew away with Arizona’s admission. Callie hardened her resolve. Clearly, Arizona thought was just going to waltz in here and flash those dimples and bat those eyelashes at her and think that everything was going to be okay. It was not working . . . or at least it wasn’t working completely. Callie put on her best poker face, trying to disguise her battling emotions. “Really, please. Go back to Malawi.” She brushed past the blonde, hoping to escape before Arizona saw the stricken look on her face. So much for avoiding her today.
* * * * *
Callie was feeling guilty, incredibly guilty. She couldn’t help but the just the tiniest bit grateful for the chaos caused by the shooting that day. It gave her no time to reflect on her personal life - there were too many victims, too many lives to be saved. While she definitely wouldn’t wish this on anyone, it gave her time to just focus on the medicine - to remind herself that there were bigger, more important things than her broken heart.
She spent the next few hours working in the pit, treating the various victims that rolled through the doors. She hadn’t seen Arizona again, which she was grateful for. It was the last thing she needed. As she treated a superficial neck wound, she heard the last voice she wanted to hear. Her heart, having a mind of its own, leapt with momentary joy.
Arizona came running around the corner. “Torres, OR 2 right now. 911.”
She watched Arizona blow past her in confusion. “What? Where are you going?”
“I need scrubs!” Arizona called back as she ran away.
Callie knew that despite everything they were going through, Arizona wouldn’t make up an excuse like that just to get her alone. Clearly there was a patient who needed her help more than the one in front of her. Glancing around for help, she saw Bailey.
“Uh . . . okay. Bailey? Can you take over for me here? This is . . . uh . . . Chuck Fowler. He’s 21 years old, zone 2 injury of the neck secondary to graze GSW. He has a hematoma and a CT-Angio’s been ordered. Thank you.”
As Bailey took over, Callie made her way to the OR, silently giving herself a pep talk. She could do this. She was a bad ass, rock star surgeon. There was no room for personal feelings in her OR. She was there to save lives and that’s what she was going to do, damn it. Arizona or no Arizona, she was going to focus on the medicine.
She took several deep breaths as she donned her scrub cap and mask. The sight before her in OR 2 was not the one she’d expected to see. Alex Karev was facing off against a very angry Dr. Stark, who was holding a bone saw.
“I’m a wrestler, man. I’m all-state. Saw or no saw, you’re not getting past me.” Alex said, bobbing and weaving to block Stark from the patient.
Callie was confused. What the hell was going on? “Karev? You wanna tell me what’s going on here?”
“He’s lost his mind! That’s what’s going on here. He’s lost his mind and he is destroying his career! That’s what is going on here!” Stark replied in a shrill, angry voice that made Callie want to punch him. She silently wondered whether it was really Karev, or whether it was actually Stark who had gone crazy.
Alex cut in. “Check it out, Torres. 15 year old GSW to the thigh with common inter-femur fracture. Lacerations to the superficial femoral artery. Ha!” He lunged at Stark, forcing him to take a step back in surprise, which gave Callie time to slip past the two men. She made her way over to the patient to examine the extent of her injuries.
“Alright, what about her nerves? Are her nerves salvageable?”
“Kid was moving her leg before we put her under. They’re intact.” Karev replied.
Stark shrieked his response. “She has a life-threatening hemorrhage in her leg and multi-organ injuries in her abdomen.”
Dr. Dave Parker, who was assisting, cut in. “Abdominal injuries are under control for now.”
“Thanks so much Dave, I really appreciate the support, there.” Stark was really starting to get on Callie’s nerves. Clearly he was taking the easy, lazy way out, at the expense of a 15 year old’s leg. He disgusted her.
She examined the leg and thought through her options. “Well, I could put in a traction pin to stabilize the femur.”
“Right.” Alex replied.
“And then we can use a graft to restore blood flow.”
“That’s what I’m saying!” Alex shouted at Stark.
“I have never experienced anything like this before in my life!” Stark shouted furiously. He had turned a rather unflattering shade of beet red.
Callie had had enough. She turned toward him, eyes blazing with disdain and anger. “Dr. Stark, you’re new here, but in this hospital, we take shootings personally. And, I can save this leg, so you gonna work with me or not?”
At that moment, Arizona burst through the door. “No. I am. Dr. Stark, I’ve just spoken with Chief Webber, this is my patient now.”
“What!?!” Stark shrieked. “This is . . . this is . . .thi . . . thi” He continued muttering to himself as he set the saw down and stormed out of the OR.
Callie couldn’t help but be relieved. Not because she wanted to spend time with Arizona - that thought made her heart ache. Rather, she was willing to sacrifice a few hours of personal pain in exchange for not having to work with the sniveling, incompetent jerk in front of her.
“Yes!” Alex raised his hands in victory.
Callie tried to restrain her laughter. “Karev, you gotta go too. Pit’s full of kids that need doctors and we can handle this one without you, okay?”
He reached up to remove his gown. “That’s cool. My work is done. Ha!” He pumped his fist in joy. “All-state, baby!” Callie met Arizona eyes and chuckled. She couldn’t help it. It felt good, to make a difference together, to stand up for what was right. And that was one thing she could always count on Arizona to do. Stand up for her patients. Why couldn’t she just trust her to do the same for her?
For a bit, the two women operated in tense silence. Callie focused on saving the girl’s leg. It was easier to avoid thoughts of the woman inches from her when there was a critical operation to be done. However, despite her intense focus, she couldn’t completely block out the intermittent thoughts that crept in. How glad she was that Arizona was back. How good it felt to be standing close to her again. But then reality would come crashing back in. Arizona had left her, begging, pleading, in an airport. She’d been willing to give up everything for her. And it hadn’t mattered. They were broken. And maybe it was best if they didn’t attempt to put the pieces back together.
Eventually, Arizona’s voice cut through the silence. “I understand why you’re mad at me. I do.”
Callie sighed. “No.”
“I even understand you slamming the door in my face . . .”
She couldn’t do this. Not now. Even if they were going to have this talk, she wasn’t ready. And she was still so, so angry. So hurt. So she cut off Arizona. “No, no. You will not hold me hostage and make me listen to you. I am rebuilding the leg of a kid who’s been shot. That’s . . . that’s why I’m here. That is the only reason. No talking. None.” Arizona turned and stared at her, a sad look in her eyes. Callie chose to avoid her gaze. They spend the next few hours in the same awkward silence that had begun the operation.
* * * * *
After the surgery was over, Callie was exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. It took a tremendous amount of self-control and resolve to maintain her detached façade around Arizona. Just like her sleepless night, she’d spent the remainder of the operation wavering between forgiving her ex and writing her off forever. Her head told her that welcoming Arizona back would be a giant mistake, that she’d just end up getting hurt all over again. Her heart told her to forget about their problems, to just focus on the fact that the woman she loved was back in her life. She she’d survived their breakup . . . barely. She wasn’t sure she could do that again. She was hanging on by a thread.
She tried to focus on writing up the surgery in her patient’s chart, but Arizona wouldn’t let her. “This is, this a huge victory! Whatever else happened today, we work together well. So, thank you. Thank you for coming when I asked you to come and for fighting Stark with me. Thank you.”
Callie sighed. It hurt so much to be around her. All of her slowly healing wounds were ripped open again. Unable to deal with these feelings, she gave a nod of acknowledgment and turned to leave.
“Calliope.” Arizona called after her.
She should have just kept walking, but despite her best efforts at resistance, the woman still had a huge hold over her. She turned back to face her. “Hmm?”
Arizona looked down, obviously struggling for words. “I am so deeply, deeply, deeply sorry for hurting you so much. I am so sorry . . . because I am so in love with you and I will spend the rest of my life telling you that. I will apologize to you every day if that’s what you need. But please, please don’t walk away again. I came across the world to be with you. I love you. Please.”
She looked so hurt and lost. It took every last ounce of Callie’s strength to keep from rushing over to comfort her. However, just as Arizona was hurt and lost, so was she. And unlike Arizona, she hadn’t been the one to decide to create that hurt and anguish. She hadn’t been the one to break them. Steeling her resolve, she employed the only defense mechanism she knew - anger. “You had to fly across the world to get to me, Arizona, because you flew a whole world away without ever looking back, you just left. And, this might be news to you, and I think it kind of is, but you’re not the only one in this relationship. There are two of us. And you came back today, but I didn’t. Whatever else happened, that . . . that hasn’t changed.”
She glanced once more into those hurt blue eyes before walking away, not wanting Arizona to see the pain written across her face. She made her way to the hospital chapel, which she’d started visiting with regularity since Arizona’s departure. In times of trial, she felt at least some comfort from her religious upbringing. She entered the empty room and laid down across one of the pews, an arm slung across her face in frustration.
She had meant what she said. She hadn’t come back yet. She wasn’t sure she wanted to. Well, no, she’d be lying to herself if she didn’t admit that she want to. But she was so hurt, so empty, so vulnerable. Arizona had knocked the wind completely out of her sails when she’d left. She hadn’t been able to breathe. And, now, just when she was beginning to wean herself off life support, she had come back, leaving her breathless all over again.
She lifted her arm from her brow and stared at the ceiling. Letting out a big sigh, she began to pray. “Dear Lord . . . help me get over the butterflies?”
She sat in silence for several minutes, her emotions raging within her.
But she knew deep down she didn’t want to get over those damn butterflies. She wanted Arizona in her life. She’d been hurt deeply, but she’d also been loved deeply. And maybe, just maybe, this time, they could make it work. If they really talked, if they really opened up. She’d make Arizona work for it, make her pay her penance, but maybe they’d make it this time. Then she wouldn’t need to get over the butterflies . . .
A/N: Okay one more author's note. This whole story was inspired by the thought of trying to re-spin one of Callie's earlier lines - "help me get over the butterflies." This time, instead of wanting to get over them so she could be with Arizona, she wanted to get over Arizona so she could move on. Hopefully this little writing experiment worked.