I can't take it anymore.
Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains
- Tori Amos, Crucify
I think I am comming close to the end.
My mom decided I wasn't doing enough to get a job, so we got into a huge fight this morning... she finally told me what I suspected all along. She told me that my brother was her only son, and that I was just an accident that should have never happened.
I gotta say, honestly, even if you didn't suffer from depression, that would just make you want to take a fistfull of sleeping pills right there. Unfortunatly (sp), I do.
Only thing that's keeping me alive right now is that, quite honestly, I don't know what to do.
There were a lot of things I wanted to do with my life, to show the world that they were wrong about me. But what if the word doesn't even care?
All I wanted to do was go to school and make sonething of myself. That's it. I wanted to make myself a useful part of society, not just be someone that just consumed the resourses during my tenure here.
I wanted to put that intelligence, that people said that I had, to good use and prove those people right. That their encouragements were not wasted breath.
Now, all I have are parents who could care less that I existed, friends that want to be there for me, but can't, people who have called themselves my friends but have leeched and sapped the energy right from me, and a world that constantly asks, "yeah, but what's in it for me?".
All I have asked is that people don't play with my heart and trust, and leave me alone to do what needs to be done so everyone can be paid in spades..
Right now, all I need is to bury my head in a shoulder and cry, cry my fustrations and anger at the world. Cry into a shoulder of someone who feels my soul slipping into the abyss and doesn't say anything. Doesn't have to say anything because they know what's up and I know that they will be there for me..
But I can't.
The tears have dried up a long time ago, now there is only sadness and emptiness...
None of that matters now.
nothing really does.
-'k
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains
- Tori Amos, Crucify
I think I am comming close to the end.
My mom decided I wasn't doing enough to get a job, so we got into a huge fight this morning... she finally told me what I suspected all along. She told me that my brother was her only son, and that I was just an accident that should have never happened.
I gotta say, honestly, even if you didn't suffer from depression, that would just make you want to take a fistfull of sleeping pills right there. Unfortunatly (sp), I do.
Only thing that's keeping me alive right now is that, quite honestly, I don't know what to do.
There were a lot of things I wanted to do with my life, to show the world that they were wrong about me. But what if the word doesn't even care?
All I wanted to do was go to school and make sonething of myself. That's it. I wanted to make myself a useful part of society, not just be someone that just consumed the resourses during my tenure here.
I wanted to put that intelligence, that people said that I had, to good use and prove those people right. That their encouragements were not wasted breath.
Now, all I have are parents who could care less that I existed, friends that want to be there for me, but can't, people who have called themselves my friends but have leeched and sapped the energy right from me, and a world that constantly asks, "yeah, but what's in it for me?".
All I have asked is that people don't play with my heart and trust, and leave me alone to do what needs to be done so everyone can be paid in spades..
Right now, all I need is to bury my head in a shoulder and cry, cry my fustrations and anger at the world. Cry into a shoulder of someone who feels my soul slipping into the abyss and doesn't say anything. Doesn't have to say anything because they know what's up and I know that they will be there for me..
But I can't.
The tears have dried up a long time ago, now there is only sadness and emptiness...
None of that matters now.
nothing really does.
-'k