Jun 10, 2006 12:10
I think that before too long I'm going to have a breakdown. I'm trying to do too much and I feel like there's no one to talk about it. I guess that's because I know no one can help me. It's a waste to try and tell someone, because after it's finished, they're just going to look at me and tell me they're sorry. I know. I've tried it.
I'm not used to being the strong one. Through my whole life, there's usually been at least one other person...the person that could take care of me...and there's no one now. Maybe that's part of growing up. You've got to take care of yourself. I say that, but I know what I'm doing is unhealthy. Especially for me...for the way I am.
Forget yourself, take care of everyone else. I know this numb feeling is the forerunner for something worse. My dad is too sick to do anything. I take care everything around the house. I fetch his food, his drinks, cook, do dishes, do laundry, clean. I comfort him when he cries. I block it out when my parents fight. When my mom yells because he doesn't do anything, and when he cries because she yells. I can't fix it. I don't want to be here.
My boyfriend is depressed all the time. He gets angry at himself...he gets depressed over the shit that's going on. He's always in so much pain...now we think his disk is his neck that is out is pinching a nerve. Everyday his pain gets worse, and no one will help him. Doctors don't take him seriously. They think he's just after pain pills and so they give him weak aspirin that doesn't even begin to help the pain.
His family's fucked up...and it stresses him out. He gets migraines from the pain and from the stress. His migraines can lead to seizures if he's not careful, and his seizures could be severe enough to kill him. I can't fix it. I don't want to be here.
My car died...right when I got a job. My allergies are so severe that every few days I'm laid up at home, unable to go into light. I need to go to the doctor for a number of things, but I owe too much money and can't afford to go. I don'thave any of my medicine. I haven't for a while. To get it I'd need at least 75 dollars. I've been getting more and more depressed...because I can't fix anything...and I don't want to be here.