(no subject)
Adam and I went to Cincinatti for a couple of days. We just got back a little bit ago. I have way too much stress on me right now. I've been feeling like I'm going to explode here lately. I'm going to start taking my Depakote again tonight. What I really want is my buspar...but I've run out and I'll have to go to a doctor to get more. The Depakote is going to royally fuck me up for the next couple of days and I'm dreading it...whenever I start it up I get really depressed at first. I wish I could talk about some of it, but I can't.
Added on top of it is a dream I had last night. I dreamed I had a baby...a little boy. It was like I wasn't even expecting it...I didn't have anything. I was supposed to breastfeed him, but as soon as I had him I left him with my family and went to the store to get everything I'd need to take care of him. I started crying and having a panic attack at the store because I couldn't find anything for him...so I went to a school to try and get the care package they gave to underprivileged high school girls who ended up pregnant. They gave some stuff because they were some of my old teachers and I went to my baby, but then I realized I had been gone all day and no one had changed his diaper or fed him. I tried to fed him, but for some reason I couldn't produce any milk, and he just kept crying. For the rest of the dream it was all just anxiety over how to take care of him, whether or not I'd ever be able to feed him...where to get everything I needed. I thought he was going to die..
The really weird thing is that now I feel like something is missing. That was my little boy, whether or not the dream was massively filled with anxiety. For some reason though I get the feeling that deep down I want a baby because it would somehow "fix" the rest of my life. Which yes, I know that it would not.
Added on top of it is a dream I had last night. I dreamed I had a baby...a little boy. It was like I wasn't even expecting it...I didn't have anything. I was supposed to breastfeed him, but as soon as I had him I left him with my family and went to the store to get everything I'd need to take care of him. I started crying and having a panic attack at the store because I couldn't find anything for him...so I went to a school to try and get the care package they gave to underprivileged high school girls who ended up pregnant. They gave some stuff because they were some of my old teachers and I went to my baby, but then I realized I had been gone all day and no one had changed his diaper or fed him. I tried to fed him, but for some reason I couldn't produce any milk, and he just kept crying. For the rest of the dream it was all just anxiety over how to take care of him, whether or not I'd ever be able to feed him...where to get everything I needed. I thought he was going to die..
The really weird thing is that now I feel like something is missing. That was my little boy, whether or not the dream was massively filled with anxiety. For some reason though I get the feeling that deep down I want a baby because it would somehow "fix" the rest of my life. Which yes, I know that it would not.