Save me from the nothing I've become... bring me to life...
Samael was trying to assimilate, god knows he was trying. He was out of the mission and in his own place. He had gotten a job working at a book store; peaty menial work but it earned him a paycheck and kept food in his fridge and the roof over his head. Abby brought money in as well, and Samael didn't ask how or where. As long as she stayed with him and help him at night to keep the nightmares away.
Dean's house was on the way to the bookstore. As he went by in the morning, he could see Lisa alone with the baby. Sometimes he would stop and just watch from across the street, seeing the little girl with his name in the living room playing. She had a mop of brown hair and hazel eyes and was just so perfect. Except for the night with the demon, Samael had yet to meet the baby that had been born because of his death.
On his way home he would sometimes see the kids playing in the backyard, or manage to come through after Dean had gotten home and they were inside having dinner or just spending time together. He leaned gently against the Impala and watched until one of the neighbors looked at him strangely and he moved on back to his place.
But it had been months now since his return, and except for occasional phone calls and a visit from both Dean and Bobby just after he moved in, Samael still felt alone. The part of him that was still Sam hurt knowing that his family avoided him. He needed to fix it. He needed to figure out how to get Dean to understand him and how to slowly get back into his family.
So it was an invitation to dinner. Samael had the heat on, the kitchen the warm spot in the apartment where he didn't have to have three layers of clothing one while he tried to follow the instructions in the cookbook to make them dinner.
When Dean arrived, he could see his brother looking around and making sure that Samael was doing ok. The one bedroom apartment was small, but filled with books that Samael had purchased to have something to do. The laptop had been returned by Alec awhile ago and it was now on the card table by the couch. It was cluttered and tight, but warm and very much like what Sam would have done in his own first apartment. Dean nodded, then took a seat across from his brother on the island counter top/dining room.
They talked shop, finding out about things that were happening in each other's lives until finally Dean finished his meal and put the fork down. "Alright, Sam. I know you didn't just invite me over to chit chat. What's on your mind?"
Samael looked down at his plate. He had only eaten half of his meal, but he was too nervous really to eat, and he was sure Dean had noticed. "I... I wanted to know how much longer you're going to punish me."
"Punish you?" Dean crossed his arms. "Just... how am I punishing you, Sam?"
"I remember how close we were. And I know... me doing what I did ripped that apart." Samael licked his lips. "I'm trying to get back to who I was then, but I can't. I'm learning that now no matter what I do, I can never be that Sam again. But I don't want... I..." he took a deep breath, "I can't lose you because of that. I need you to know who I am so you can find a way to fit me back in your life."
Dean watched Sam carefully, seeing that there was a struggle in his brother. He had seen it that night in the nursery - the arrogance and feeling the power, and then instantly crumbling in fear at Lisa's anger. "Alright, so who are you?"
Samael held up a hand, running into the living room area and grabbing a book. He flipped it open and flipped through a few pages before finding what he wanted and putting it in front of Dean. He pointed at an article from a demonology book. Dean leaned over it and read it, then looked up at his brother. "This is all about an angel, Sam."
"I know. But see this?" He pointed to the section about Lilith, then when Dean had reread it, Samael flipped the pages and pointed at the mythology of Samael and Lilith. Dean started to read, then lifted up his eyes to look at his brother. "You're shitting me, right?"
Samael shook his head. "No, I'm not."
"Sam, these myths were written long before any of us were born. You're not him."
"Not the original. But... Lilith made me into him."
"Made you? You were barely dead for two years, Sam. She couldn't have gotten her claws that deep so quickly..."
Samael licked his lips and nodded. "I'm having a hard time remembering being Sam because time passes in Hell differently. I was in Hell for two hundred years, Dean. She had the time."
"Sam..."
"Right there, Dean. Accuser, seducer and destroyer."
Dean scoffed and closed the book. "Don't buy it."
Sam fisted his hand on the table, sucking on his lips. "Dean, please just listen..."
"I'm not buying this Sam..."
"It's true." Samael looked at his brother, then shook his head. "You don't know what I've gone through. You don't know what they did to me. I became all of that, and so much more."
He moved away from Dean towards the living room. "I lived in a castle, Dean. Hell, hell was my playground and I was a king there. There was a learning curve... oh yeah Alistair had fun breaking me on the racks. He would cut away piece by piece, reminding me that I wasn't human anymore. That I was more. So much more and I just needed to stop pretending to be something I wasn't anymore."
"But you are human, Sam."
"Not there." Samael gave a sad laugh, then looked at Dean. "Dean, I became the things we hunted. I came off that rack and all I wanted was to please her. I would do anything for her and she knew it. And she made me kill. And I did, happily, tearing apart souls in Hell just to be able to have her smile at me and spend another night in her favor and between her thighs. I lost myself somewhere in that pit, Dean... and after a few decades I didn't even realize that I had been something else. Why would I have cared?
"I was beautiful. Strong. Powerful. And they feared me because with just a look and a flick of my wrist, I could destroy them." Samael's face fell. "I lost count of how many souls I destroyed. So many of them just to please her. It didn't mean a thing because... I didn't have a soul of my own anymore. Sometimes I even wonder if now... if it's even in me."
Samael turned away from his brother. "This world is not how I remember. It's too cold now; too bright and smells horrible. I'm getting used to it, but this place... it is no where near the splendor I'm used to. I slept on silk sheets. Rooms made of marble that was warm to the touch from hellfire. I had my mistress and my queen, and after I learned my place, I never needed for anything and went to bed stated in one of their arms... sometimes both."
"I can't stand my job. I know I'm the same as everyone now but I look at them and I can see their sins and just how dirty some of them are. Everything in hell is clean. Perfect. The fallen made it into a paradise. And there are nights Dean, where I want to go back because I'm having a hard time remembering why I would want to be here."
He turned to his brother. "I'm not sorry I did it, and I'm not apologizing for that. I've seen you and your daughter, and that alone makes me know I made the right choice. And I know why you fear me being around them..."
He looked down at his hands. "I just... I can't do this alone anymore, Dean. I know you don't want me back because I'm not the Sam you remember. I don't think I can ever be him again. Too much has changed in me."
"But..." he looked up. "I'm stuck with this in here..." he pointed to his head. "...and sooner or later I'm going to fail and go back. I miss it too much, and right now it feels like there is nothing left for me here. And that scares me."
"Those nights with the alcohol and hookers... I just wanted to feel warm. And it's not the temperature of a room itself, but inside. Something's missing in me. It's trapped in hell, Dean, and I can't figure out what it is."
When the tears had started to fall, Samael didn't know. But he felt his knees hit the floor. "I need you to help me, Dean. That was the one thing I didn't have in Hell. My family. I need that back, and I know I'm not what you want, but I need you."
He looked away. "Please forgive Dean... I know I'm a disappointment. That I let myself becomes this... but if you keep punishing me by keeping me away like you have, I'm going to eventually lose to my demon side. And then there is going to be nothing left of me. I'm sorry... Dean I'm so sorry..."
Samael couldn't look up. He was afraid of how Dean might be looking at him... of what thoughts would be hidden behind his hazel eyes that matched Samael's. But he had finally told Dean who he was and what was going on in his head, and he could only hope that his brother was willing to help and not turn him away.
Because if Dean did... Samael knew he wouldn't last another week on earth like this. Alone and cold. Dead.
Dean's house was on the way to the bookstore. As he went by in the morning, he could see Lisa alone with the baby. Sometimes he would stop and just watch from across the street, seeing the little girl with his name in the living room playing. She had a mop of brown hair and hazel eyes and was just so perfect. Except for the night with the demon, Samael had yet to meet the baby that had been born because of his death.
On his way home he would sometimes see the kids playing in the backyard, or manage to come through after Dean had gotten home and they were inside having dinner or just spending time together. He leaned gently against the Impala and watched until one of the neighbors looked at him strangely and he moved on back to his place.
But it had been months now since his return, and except for occasional phone calls and a visit from both Dean and Bobby just after he moved in, Samael still felt alone. The part of him that was still Sam hurt knowing that his family avoided him. He needed to fix it. He needed to figure out how to get Dean to understand him and how to slowly get back into his family.
So it was an invitation to dinner. Samael had the heat on, the kitchen the warm spot in the apartment where he didn't have to have three layers of clothing one while he tried to follow the instructions in the cookbook to make them dinner.
When Dean arrived, he could see his brother looking around and making sure that Samael was doing ok. The one bedroom apartment was small, but filled with books that Samael had purchased to have something to do. The laptop had been returned by Alec awhile ago and it was now on the card table by the couch. It was cluttered and tight, but warm and very much like what Sam would have done in his own first apartment. Dean nodded, then took a seat across from his brother on the island counter top/dining room.
They talked shop, finding out about things that were happening in each other's lives until finally Dean finished his meal and put the fork down. "Alright, Sam. I know you didn't just invite me over to chit chat. What's on your mind?"
Samael looked down at his plate. He had only eaten half of his meal, but he was too nervous really to eat, and he was sure Dean had noticed. "I... I wanted to know how much longer you're going to punish me."
"Punish you?" Dean crossed his arms. "Just... how am I punishing you, Sam?"
"I remember how close we were. And I know... me doing what I did ripped that apart." Samael licked his lips. "I'm trying to get back to who I was then, but I can't. I'm learning that now no matter what I do, I can never be that Sam again. But I don't want... I..." he took a deep breath, "I can't lose you because of that. I need you to know who I am so you can find a way to fit me back in your life."
Dean watched Sam carefully, seeing that there was a struggle in his brother. He had seen it that night in the nursery - the arrogance and feeling the power, and then instantly crumbling in fear at Lisa's anger. "Alright, so who are you?"
Samael held up a hand, running into the living room area and grabbing a book. He flipped it open and flipped through a few pages before finding what he wanted and putting it in front of Dean. He pointed at an article from a demonology book. Dean leaned over it and read it, then looked up at his brother. "This is all about an angel, Sam."
"I know. But see this?" He pointed to the section about Lilith, then when Dean had reread it, Samael flipped the pages and pointed at the mythology of Samael and Lilith. Dean started to read, then lifted up his eyes to look at his brother. "You're shitting me, right?"
Samael shook his head. "No, I'm not."
"Sam, these myths were written long before any of us were born. You're not him."
"Not the original. But... Lilith made me into him."
"Made you? You were barely dead for two years, Sam. She couldn't have gotten her claws that deep so quickly..."
Samael licked his lips and nodded. "I'm having a hard time remembering being Sam because time passes in Hell differently. I was in Hell for two hundred years, Dean. She had the time."
"Sam..."
"Right there, Dean. Accuser, seducer and destroyer."
Dean scoffed and closed the book. "Don't buy it."
Sam fisted his hand on the table, sucking on his lips. "Dean, please just listen..."
"I'm not buying this Sam..."
"It's true." Samael looked at his brother, then shook his head. "You don't know what I've gone through. You don't know what they did to me. I became all of that, and so much more."
He moved away from Dean towards the living room. "I lived in a castle, Dean. Hell, hell was my playground and I was a king there. There was a learning curve... oh yeah Alistair had fun breaking me on the racks. He would cut away piece by piece, reminding me that I wasn't human anymore. That I was more. So much more and I just needed to stop pretending to be something I wasn't anymore."
"But you are human, Sam."
"Not there." Samael gave a sad laugh, then looked at Dean. "Dean, I became the things we hunted. I came off that rack and all I wanted was to please her. I would do anything for her and she knew it. And she made me kill. And I did, happily, tearing apart souls in Hell just to be able to have her smile at me and spend another night in her favor and between her thighs. I lost myself somewhere in that pit, Dean... and after a few decades I didn't even realize that I had been something else. Why would I have cared?
"I was beautiful. Strong. Powerful. And they feared me because with just a look and a flick of my wrist, I could destroy them." Samael's face fell. "I lost count of how many souls I destroyed. So many of them just to please her. It didn't mean a thing because... I didn't have a soul of my own anymore. Sometimes I even wonder if now... if it's even in me."
Samael turned away from his brother. "This world is not how I remember. It's too cold now; too bright and smells horrible. I'm getting used to it, but this place... it is no where near the splendor I'm used to. I slept on silk sheets. Rooms made of marble that was warm to the touch from hellfire. I had my mistress and my queen, and after I learned my place, I never needed for anything and went to bed stated in one of their arms... sometimes both."
"I can't stand my job. I know I'm the same as everyone now but I look at them and I can see their sins and just how dirty some of them are. Everything in hell is clean. Perfect. The fallen made it into a paradise. And there are nights Dean, where I want to go back because I'm having a hard time remembering why I would want to be here."
He turned to his brother. "I'm not sorry I did it, and I'm not apologizing for that. I've seen you and your daughter, and that alone makes me know I made the right choice. And I know why you fear me being around them..."
He looked down at his hands. "I just... I can't do this alone anymore, Dean. I know you don't want me back because I'm not the Sam you remember. I don't think I can ever be him again. Too much has changed in me."
"But..." he looked up. "I'm stuck with this in here..." he pointed to his head. "...and sooner or later I'm going to fail and go back. I miss it too much, and right now it feels like there is nothing left for me here. And that scares me."
"Those nights with the alcohol and hookers... I just wanted to feel warm. And it's not the temperature of a room itself, but inside. Something's missing in me. It's trapped in hell, Dean, and I can't figure out what it is."
When the tears had started to fall, Samael didn't know. But he felt his knees hit the floor. "I need you to help me, Dean. That was the one thing I didn't have in Hell. My family. I need that back, and I know I'm not what you want, but I need you."
He looked away. "Please forgive Dean... I know I'm a disappointment. That I let myself becomes this... but if you keep punishing me by keeping me away like you have, I'm going to eventually lose to my demon side. And then there is going to be nothing left of me. I'm sorry... Dean I'm so sorry..."
Samael couldn't look up. He was afraid of how Dean might be looking at him... of what thoughts would be hidden behind his hazel eyes that matched Samael's. But he had finally told Dean who he was and what was going on in his head, and he could only hope that his brother was willing to help and not turn him away.
Because if Dean did... Samael knew he wouldn't last another week on earth like this. Alone and cold. Dead.