Ghosts That We Knew [6.2 of 6.2]
Title: Ghosts That We Knew
Author: greymcdreamysgh
Pairing: MerDer
Rating: PG-13
Summary: MERDER. Picks up after 9x11. A short multi-chapter fic that deals with being a family, preparing for a new baby, recovering from the plane crash, and dealing with survivors' guilt.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Click here to go back to part 1
Zola loves Caroline. Loves her.
Wants to be with her all the time, knows how to soothe her, demands that she get to show her off to everyone she meets. Obsessed.
And the only thing that surprises Meredith about it is that she is surprised. She’s not sure why, exactly, because Zola’s excitement when she was pregnant was a pretty good indicator of what to expect. Meredith kind of thought that once Caroline was born, and Zola realized that she was going to cry and poop and puke and demand as much attention as she does, that the attraction would wear off. But it hasn’t.
Still, when Meredith asks Zola over breakfast if she wants to spend some time together, just the two of them, Zola is thrilled. Derek has the day off, and Caroline is old enough that Meredith feels comfortable leaving her for a few hours-and Zola deserves this.
“Just me and Mama?” Zola asks.
Meredith smiles. “Just me and you.”
Zola turns to Derek, who is sitting next to her at the dining room table with Caroline in his arms, and asks. “Caroline will come too?”
Derek grins. “You want Caroline, but not Daddy?”
Zola wrinkles her nose. “Only girls.”
“Oh, I see,” he says, feigning hurt.
“I think Caroline is going to stay home with Daddy today, Zo,” Meredith says. She could bring Caroline if she wanted to, but she hasn’t really ventured out with both of them yet, and it seems kind of pointless to leave Derek at home alone. Plus, even though Zola usually doesn’t mind, Meredith does feel a little guilty about not being able to give her as much time as she used to.
She settles on taking Zola to Seattle Center that morning. Seattle Center-home of the Space Needle, and numerous museums, arts centers, and green spaces-is close enough that she can get home to Caroline if she needs to, fun enough so that Zola will feel like this is a treat, and everyday enough that Derek won’t feel like he’s missing out on a major event.
It’s unusually warm for early September, and a rare sunny day, so Meredith puts on a pair of long shorts and dresses Zola in shorts as well. She packs a bathing suit and a towel for Zola and they take the ferryboat across the Sound.
When they get to Seattle Center, she changes Zola into her bathing suit in the car first. She wants to take Zola to the International Fountain, a huge structure constantly and artfully shooting jets of water into the air, and then out for ice cream. She’s nervous about leaving Caroline because they have never given her a bottle before, and so while she has some ideas for what they might do after that, she doesn’t want to let Zola know in case those plans need to be cut short.
On the way to the International Fountain, they pass the ticket office and gift shop for the Ride the Ducks tour ticket office and gift shop. Upon seeing all the ducks in the window, Zola asks, “Can we go in there, Mama?”
They’ve just spent about a half hour on the ferry, so Meredith has no desire to get into one of the amphibious vehicles and take a water tour of the city. Fortunately, Zola doesn’t seem to realize what it actually is; she just wants to look at the duck merchandise.
The place is stuffed with t-shirts, towels, tiny Space Needle figurines, and about a million variations duck-inspired keychains, mugs, postcards, pens, buttons, and other junk that is meant for overeager tourists.
Zola is mesmerized by a display of rubber ducks. They’ve got plenty of traditional yellow ducks in all sizes, and they also have a lot of rubber ducks in various costumes-princesses, cowboys, superheroes, just about every occupation, and even ducks dressed as other animals. Meredith isn’t sure whether it’s just the mass of yellow, or if it’s all the variety within it, but Zola just stands there and stares.
“Can I have one?” she finally asks hopefully.
Zola never really asks for anything, and so Meredith sees no harm in spoiling her a little bit on occasion. She checks the price sticker on the bottom of one of the ducks, and it’s only a few dollars, so why not?
“Ok, let’s pick one,” Meredith agrees.
Zola’s face lights up, but then she looks overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the choice in front of her. She looks like she doesn’t know where to start, so Meredith starts pulling ducks off the shelf and suggesting them to Zola.
Zola refuses the chef, the cowboy, the giraffe, the princess, and the pink duck before she finally nods excitedly and reaches out her hands for the girl superhero. Meredith doesn’t really worry so much about Zola wanting to be a girly girl from time to time, but she can’t help but feel a little bit satisfied that Zola has chosen this particular toy.
“Should we go pay for it?” Meredith asks.
Zola nods, clutching the toy in both hands. “But, Mama, Caroline needs one too!”
Meredith grins, and hopes with everything she has in her that it will stay this way for the rest of her daughters’ lives, that Zola will never forget about Caroline or leave her behind.
Zola doesn't see it this way-and, frankly, Meredith doesn't want her to because this is her burden to bear-but Zola and Caroline feel a little bit like a second chance. And it doesn't come as a surprise to her at all that Zola is a better person than she is.
“You’re right,” Meredith replies, a little surprised to feel like there’s something caught in her throat when she speaks. “Caroline needs one too. Which one do you think she would like?”
Zola takes her time, but ultimately can’t decide between a baby duck complete with pacifier and bonnet, and a doctor duck in a stethoscope and scrubs that somehow escaped both of their notice the first time around. Meredith buys both.
“How about you share the doctor one?” Meredith asks. “We can keep them in the tub with your other duckies.”
“Ok,” Zola nods. “We can share it.”
“Should we go take the ducks to the water?” Meredith asks.
They pay for the toys, and make their way toward the International Fountain. Zola holds her superhero duck in her left hand, and clasps Meredith’s hand with her right.
“Hey, Zo?” Meredith says. Zola looks up at her. “I’m glad that you got a duckie for Caroline too. I’m proud of you.”
Zola nods, and pulls a little harder on Meredith’s hand for a brief moment to let her know that she has understood what Meredith said.
“How did you get to be such a good big sister?” Meredith asks.
Zola looks confused, and it takes Meredith a split second to realize that she isn’t answering because she hasn’t had to try. Finally, Zola says only, “It’s so easy, Mama.”
When they get to the fountain, it takes Zola a few tries to get used to the idea. She isn’t quite brave enough to run up to the fountain and touch it while she’s still completely dry, but when a jet of water shoots up from the ground and drenches her, she shrieks with laughter.
“Mama!” she cries. As water drips from her skin and hair, she scrunches her shoulders up closer to her ears and smiles. “Wet!”
She runs back to Meredith and asks for her duck, and Meredith watches her pretend to have the duck swim through the tiniest pools of water and ride on top of jets of water. She is pretty accustomed to Zola’s style of play, knowing that, right now at least, while Zola is imaginative, she prefers to play pretty normal games like zoo, and restaurant, and hospital. It’s rare that Meredith sees her playing in wholly fantasy worlds, but the cape on the rubber duck might be opening up new possibilities, because she’s pretty sure Zola knows that ducks can’t blast into the air like rockets.
While she sits on the outskirts of the fountain and watches Zola play as the sun warms her shoulders, she calls Derek to check in.
“How is everything going?” she asks.
“Everything’s fine here. How’s Zo?”
“She’s good,” Meredith says. "She's playing in the fountain. Did Caroline take a bottle?"
"I haven't tried yet, but I'm sure she'll be fine. She's just snuggling with her daddy at the moment, and we're watching Sports Center. Right, Bee?" he coos.
She loves this voice, the soft, buttery one he uses only on their daughters. She imagines them lounging on the couch-Caroline loves to snooze on Derek's chest-and for a second, she's so taken in that she forgets why she called in the first place.
"Ok, well if she doesn't eat, she's going to scream, Derek."
"I know, Meredith. I've heard her do it."
She laughs sarcastically. "Well, neither of us have heard how loud she might scream if she gets hungry and my boobs aren't there to come to the rescue."
"We have to try it sometime," he assures her. "I promise, I will ask you to come home if I need you. Go enjoy Zola. We're fine."
"You’ve got to try to get her before she starts screaming. I can get home whenever," she says again.
"I know, Mer," he says. "Ok, they're getting ready to recap last night's Yankees game; this is required viewing. Caroline, say bye to Mama. We'll see you later!"
She hangs up and watches Zola squatting on the concrete, zipping her duck back and forth over the wet pavement. A few minutes later, she gets a text from Derek. When she slides her phone open, she sees a picture of Caroline drinking contentedly from a bottle with a brief message: “Don’t worry about me, Mama!”
Zola is getting more daring now that she is completely soaked and basically has nothing to lose. Meredith watches her run to the center of the fountain and back several times, shrieking with delight every time more water hits her. After a few times, she turns back to Meredith. “Come on, Mama!”
Meredith shakes her head, but Zola persists. “Mama, you too!”
Meredith grimaces. She has not packed a bathing suit for herself, and even if she did, she’s six weeks postpartum and in no mood to wear it. But it is unusually warm outside, and this is Zola’s day after all, and nothing she is wearing won’t dry in the sun.
She slips off her shoes and leaves them with her bag on the outskirts of the fountain, on the dry concrete, and she joins Zola under the fountain. It’s easy to stay dry at first because they’re far enough from the jets that are constantly shooting water upwards and outwards, but then a light stream of water rains down onto her hair and part of her shirt.
Zola laughs. Standing in front of her mother, she stretches up her arms in a request to be picked up. Meredith scoops Zola into her arms, marveling at how big she seems now that she is mostly used to holding a newborn, and Zola wraps her legs around Meredith’s waist.
Both of them have wet hair, and Meredith’s shirt, which was only damp before, becomes soaked as Zola presses her wet bathing suit into her. Zola wraps her arms around Meredith’s neck, kisses her, and says-with so much joy-“You are the best mama!”
***
After nearly seven weeks at home, Derek can tell that Meredith is jonesing for a surgery. She has been calling him at work, just to check in, since she started her maternity leave, but over the past week and a half or so, she has been calling more and more.
She has a pretty good knack of paging him when he actually does have some time to talk, so much so that he thinks she must be getting his schedule each day from an intern or one of the charge nurses. He even bends their rule of no neuro talk, because he can tell she’s desperate.
The surgery he has today, however, he can’t bring himself to tell her about beforehand. His patient is fifty years old and has a tumor on his C8 vertebrae, lying over the nerves that control a dozen critical hand functions.
“You’ve done this before, right?” Matthew Pollock asks from his pre-op hospital bed.
“I have,” Derek replies.
“I’ve been a commercial painter for 30 years,” he says. “I need my hands.”
“I know,” Derek says. “I’m going to be extremely careful, and obviously, we’ll do everything we can to preserve as much function as we can.”
“These hands feed my kids, Doc. I have no intention of filing for disability. I want to work. I need to work. So I need you to get this one right. Can you help me out with that?”
Derek smiles, and nods. There’s no way Mr. Pollock could know how much he understands, how hard he really will try to save his hands, but he assures him again that he will do his very best.
While he scrubs, he tries not to think about the fact that Matthew Pollock has three kids to support and has expressly told him that these nerves are non-negotiable. It’s not helping him prepare for what he knows will be a long surgery, and he knows what the stakes are without dwelling on them. Years of practice have made it very difficult to psych him out, but this case feels different.
Mr. Pollock’s procedure is a delicate one that involves the careful resection of tumor while avoiding the fragile, critical nerves. Derek takes his time. This guy needs his hands. And so the OR is almost completely silent for hours while Derek works, and he speaks only to give instruction, not for idle chatter.
When he finally closes the Mr. Pollock’s back and steps away from the table, he won’t let himself breathe a sigh of relief. Not yet.
Meredith calls again once he’s out of surgery, but he still doesn’t mention the procedure, and she really can’t talk either. She just asks him to pick up dinner on the way home, and tells him that she’ll see him later.
Later, Brooks pages him to let him know that Matthew Pollock is awake. He is pale and groggy from the anesthesia, and looks small against the pillow. He got the whole tumor, so the patient’s symptoms should resolve regardless, but he hopes that he hasn’t created a whole new hell for this man.
He watches Brooks do a basic neurological check, and everything looks fine. His vitals are stable, his pain is under control, and he is as alert as he can be for just coming out of a long surgery.
But the real test is when Derek takes Mr. Pollock’s hand in his. “Can you squeeze my hand?” he asks softly.
Matthew Pollock doesn’t speak, but he does manage to squeeze Derek’s hand. Hard. On paper, this is a routine case, but Derek is so relieved and proud of what he has done for this man. A wave of relief rushes over him, and even though Mr. Pollock’s eyes are closed in exhaustion and can’t see him, his face lights up in a smile.
When he walks in his front door later that evening, with take-out containers and Zola in tow, Meredith puts the baby into his arms within thirty seconds of his arrival and takes the food from him in exchange.
“She just wants to be held,” Meredith says, “And I just need a minute.”
Caroline is thriving, obviously mostly under Meredith’s care. She’s put on four pounds since birth, her hair has gotten a little longer, and she looks more alert and aware each day. Derek notices that Caroline is staring up at him with what he swears is a twinkle in her eye, and he would bet anything that they’ll finally get a smile out of her soon.
He holds Caroline with one arm and uses his other hand to eat dinner. He throws their rule out the window, and tells Meredith all about Matthew Pollock, and the C8 vertebrae, and the best handshake he’s received in a long time.
She drinks it up, asks all the right questions, and congratulates him on a job well done. It’s one of the reasons why he loves her so much. She gets it. She wants it just as much. She knows how much it all means.
He and Meredith get the girls in bed, taking turns with the long list of things that need to be done: dinner dishes, baths, feedings, stories, and cuddles. Once he gets Zola into bed, he pops into Caroline’s room, where Meredith is nursing her in the rocking chair.
“Zola’s asleep,” he says. “I’m going to take a shower. Are you coming to bed soon?”
“Yeah,” she says. “She’s almost done.”
Derek slips into the shower in the master bathroom, letting the hot water wash away the stress of a very long day. He’s noticed a big difference, either in perception or reality, in how they spend their evenings after having a second baby. Before, it felt like they had a little more time to eat dinner, to relax, to have a glass of wine-even though Zola still needed to be bathed and read to and put to bed. Now, it seems like he’s sprinting to work so he can sprint home and then flit in and out of sleep for a few hours before he does it all over again. It’s a new kind of exhaustion, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.
He’s not in the shower for more than seven or eight minutes when he hears the bathroom door open. Before he knows what’s happening, Meredith slips into the shower with him.
“What are you doing?” he asks in surprise.
“I’m showering with you,” she says simply, wrapping her arms around him and kissing him. “Are you objecting?”
They haven’t tried to have sex again since last week. Part of it is just that there is very little time or energy, but if he’s being truthful, what happened when they tried last week freaks him out. He doesn’t want to hurt her, but he also doesn’t know a way around it, and so he’s been avoiding the issue and hoping that a solution will just present itself.
But his wife is now wet and naked and standing in front of him, and now it’s impossible to avoid the issue. Frankly, she looks so good that he doesn’t want to avoid it anyway. Perhaps this is the solution.
“Not objecting,” he says, returning her kiss and gasping when she grips him firmly in one hand.
“Good,” she says. “Because the girls are asleep, and you saved a life today, and I’m on a contact high.”
He laughs a little, but what she’s doing to him is quickly making his mind fuzzy. The combination of the water cascading down his back and the blood coursing through his veins is dizzying.
“Meredith,” he says breathlessly.
“Derek,” she interrupts. “We’re getting back in the saddle, or whatever.”
“We are,” he agrees.
“We are. Are you going to touch me?”
“Yes,” he says without a moment’s hesitation. She is soft curves and warmth and lips and hands everywhere, and she’s quickly making him lose control. He’s gentle with her, running his hands up and down her sides and kissing her lips and shoulders and breasts.
She moves backward, and he follows until her back is flush against the shower wall and his body is pressed firmly against hers.
He wants her so much, but he worries. He wants it to feel good for her too. It always has before, and although he knows it isn’t anyone’s fault, she deserves a release as much as he does. He has always taken great pride in being able to give that to her.
He takes his time, does all her favorite things until she moans loudly and asks for more. He knows her well enough to tell the difference between a shriek of pain and one of pleasure. He’s finally gotten the latter. When she wraps her arms around his neck and one leg around his thigh, he lifts her up so she can get both legs around his waist with her back still pressed against the wall.
“Take me for a ride, Derek,” she says.
***
It’s one of those mornings when everything feels like it falls into place. He doesn’t have to work, both girls wake up happy, and somehow-miraculously-he and Meredith both feel rested. The sky is overcast, but the forecast does not call for rain until the overnight hours, and so he packs a lunch and the four of them make their way to the lake.
Caroline dozes off after a few minutes in the stroller, and Zola walks a few paces ahead of them. They’ve walked this path before what feels like hundreds of times, but it feels different this time, at least to him. They take Zola here often, but at just over seven weeks since her birth, this is the first time that Caroline is going too.
The lake is beautiful, quiet, peaceful, and perfect for fishing. He loves the view from their house, but this winding walk through the woods, where the trees are spaced just far enough apart to let the light shine in, might be the thing he likes more. Before, he used to think that this unspoiled land, this haven, is why he bought this land, what he wanted out of it. But now, as he watches Zola squat to pick up a pine cone, and then pop back up, skipping along for a few paces like she is making up for lost time, he knows that, even if this isn’t why he bought the land in the first place, this is why it still holds value.
They spread a blanket out on the grass in the clearing in front of the water, detach the car seat holding Caroline from the rest of the stroller, and set it down next to them. Zola squelches into the mud at the water’s edge in her new pink rain boots. Her old ones, with black and yellow stripes and tiny antenna were outgrown just a few weeks ago and will be saved for Caroline. Even though Zola seems to like her new shoes, she was a little reluctant to part with her old ones until she realized, somewhat delightedly, that her favorite honeybee was going to get bee boots one day. Suddenly, her growing pains were that much easier to bear.
“Mama,” Zola calls. “Come with me!”
Meredith takes a peek at Caroline and sees that she’s still sleeping before joining Zola at the water. He watches the two of them standing at the edge of the water. Zola is in further than Meredith, who isn’t wearing boots, and when she realizes, she backs up to stand closer to her mother and holds her hand. Zola points at the surface of the water, trying to get Meredith to see something in the lake, but Meredith must not be able to because Zola points ever more insistently before she finally shrugs and gives up. She stands there with Meredith for a few minutes, and then inches back towards the water so that an inch of it or so runs over her rubber-clad feet. Still, she never lets go of Meredith’s hand, even though they both have to stretch their arms out a little to maintain their hold. As they stay that way, Derek doesn’t know who needs to hold onto whom the most.
Caroline stirs in her car seat, bundled in a sweater and knit hat and snuggled under a fleecy blanket. She opens her eyes and stares intently at him. Her focus has improved so much over the past few days, and he loves when she looks at him and knows that she’s looking at him.
“Hi, Bee,” he coos. “Did you have a good nap?”
He unbuckles her and lifts her gently into his arms, cuddling her until she wakes up fully. “Caroline, look at Mama and Zola,” he says. “When you’re bigger, you can do that too.”
He bends his knees and puts his feet flat on the ground, settling Caroline on his thighs. “Caroline,” he says, tapping her nose with the tip of his pointer finger. “Hi, pretty girl.”
It doesn’t take long for Zola to notice that Caroline is awake, and when she does, she darts back up the bank of the lake, kicks her boots off onto the grass, and crawls onto the blanket next to Derek.
“Hi,” Zola says, taking one of Caroline’s fists in her hand. “Daddy, you didn’t say Caroline woked up.”
“She only woke up a few minutes ago, Zo,” he says. “You didn’t miss anything. How was the water?”
“Cold,” Zola says. “Too cold for baby Caroline’s feet. But I can go because I’m big and I have boots.”
“You’re right,” he says, and just like that, Zola is up and walking through the grass in her stocking feet, already on to the next thing.
Meredith takes her place at his side, and leans in and kisses Caroline’s cheeks and belly over and over. Caroline gurgles and flails her arms at the attention.
“How’s my girl?” Meredith asks. She traces her finger lightly over Caroline’s cheeks, and can’t help but kiss her again. “Caroline, what do you think about the lake?” Meredith asks. “Do you like it? Daddy will take you fishing here with Zola when you’re bigger.”
He shifts Caroline to the crook of his arm, holding her so she can look out at the water, even though she won’t really be able to tell what it is. But she’s so calm in his arms, staring peacefully at the scene in front of her, that he thinks that maybe she does know.
“I think she likes it,” he says.
“Daddy,” Zola calls from a few feet away. “Look what I got!” Zola squats in the grass, her elbows on her knees, and holds up a slimy, wriggling pink worm. “A worm!”
She runs it back to the blanket and holds the creature out to them, like there is nothing at all repulsive about it. “We can take him home, Mama?” she asks. Derek grins. Zola already knows that if she wants something, she needs to clear it with Meredith first.
“Hmm,” Meredith says. “I don’t know, Lovebug. I don’t think that would be a good idea.”
“Why not?” Zola whines. “I like it.”
“I know, but I think he needs to be with his worm friends.”
Zola gives her a skeptical look. “I only saw one. No friends.”
“Worms usually are underground, Zo,” Derek says. “His worm mommy and daddy and brothers and sisters are all under there, in the dirt. We don’t want to take him away from them, do we?”
Zola shakes her head. “I can put him back.”
“Ok,” Meredith agrees. “But you can find some other stuff to take home if you want. What about another pine cone so Caroline has one too?”
Zola nods excitedly. “Good idea!”
She darts off to put the worm back in the grass, and then starts to scour at the edge of the clearing for pine cones. Meredith gets up too.
“Let me know when you think she needs to eat, ok?” she asks him. “I’m gonna go with Zola.”
He holds Caroline, intermittently pressing his lips to the top of her head, while he watches Zola and Meredith pick up three or four pine cones before Zola switches to dandelions, probably because they’re easier to carry, though Zola would say it is because they’re prettier.
Zola drops a fistful of dandelions, freshly plucked out of the earth, onto the blanket next to him, but then takes one out of the pile and puts it on Caroline’s stomach. “That one is Caroline’s,” she says to Derek in a serious voice. “Don’t lose it.”
“I won’t,” he says. He watches Zola go back to Meredith. The two of them, bundled in jackets in the cool autumn air, lie in the grass and stare up at the sky. Meredith has one arm wrapped around Zola, and her head is tilted towards the little girl as she speaks. They’re close enough that he can see them so clearly, but far enough away that he can’t hear the things they whisper to one another as Meredith points up at the clouds.
“Caroline, there’s your mama and sister,” he says softly, like he can’t believe it, like he can’t believe they’re there and that this is his life now.
He doesn’t let himself think about it very much-the difference between then and now-but when those thoughts do creep up on him, it is almost always here, by this water.
This is where he used to come when he missed Meredith, or when he wanted to save her but didn’t know how, or when he wanted her back when he was sure she was lost.
This is the place he goes when he wants to be alone. The morning after he batted Meredith’s engagement ring into the ground, the morning after they lost Zola, and the morning after they took Mark off life support were all spent here.
It’s strange, then, that this place gives him so much peace because all of those memories are associated with hubris and longing and shame and heart-wrenching grief. But maybe he likes it because he knows that every time he comes here, he thinks about all the times before and how they got better. He thinks about Meredith’s face illuminated in candlelight, and of her loopy signature on a blue post-it. He thinks about the stunned disbelief that came with holding Zola in the hallway of the old house, and of Zola toddling towards them, arms outstretched while he fumbled for the video camera. He thinks about the baby in his arms now, who was never supposed to be here, and what Mark would say if he could see Derek following in his father’s footsteps, wrapped around the fingers of his two daughters. He would tease him and say that he and Meredith better try for a boy next.
Meredith gets up a few minutes later, and brings Zola back to the blanket with her. “How’s she doing?” she asks, reaching for Caroline.
He shifts the baby into her arms. “She’s good. Do you want me to feed her, or do you want to?”
He has tried to take the pressure off Meredith when he can, knowing that she has been running herself ragged trying to keep up with Caroline’s demanding appetite and that everything will be harder when she goes back to work in a few weeks if Caroline still isn’t used to a bottle. Fortunately, while Caroline prefers Meredith, she will let him feed her if necessary.
“You can,” she says, “But let’s do tummy time for a little bit first. We haven’t done it yet today.” Caroline grunts and whimpers when Meredith settles her on the blanket, tummy down. “Oh, I know, Honeybee,” she says. “Your favorite thing.”
Caroline is getting stronger by the day and so she tries to look up at Meredith, supporting her own head the whole time.
“Hey, Zo,” Derek says, plucking a thick blade of grass out of the ground. “Watch this.”
He situates the grass tightly between his thumbs and blows. The grass vibrates and makes a whistling sound, and Zola laughs with delight. Even Caroline looks up in confusion.
“Do that again!” she says. He obliges and Zola cracks up like it is the cleverest thing she has ever seen. “I can try too!”
She picks her own grass and lays down on the blanket, tummy down just like Caroline, and faces the baby. She tries to mimic him, but can’t quite figure out how to do it. She blows into her hands, but doesn’t have the grass pressed tightly enough between her thumbs and winds up blowing the grass out of her hands entirely.
Caroline thinks it’s funny, though, and her eyes widen as she watches her big sister. Zola tries again and again, to no avail, but on her fourth try, something amazing happens. Zola still can’t whistle with a blade of grass, but when she fails again, and the grass goes flying, Caroline’s eyes twinkle and her mouth widens in a huge, unmistakable smile.
He looks up at Meredith in stunned disbelief, and he knows that she saw it too because her eyes are full of tears. He can’t imagine what this must mean to her that Zola got this milestone. He knows how much she wants them to love one another, how badly she wants them to be close. Zola has made her feelings about Caroline abundantly clear, but this is the first time that Caroline has returned the affection. It’s the first time that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they know that the feeling is mutual.
“Daddy!” Zola cries. “Caroline is happy!”
Meredith wipes tears out of her eyes. Seeing her cry, he feels like he could cry too, because he knows that for all that has happened to them in the past, and for all they have lost, there is so much joy to look forward to. Despite everything, and against all odds, these girls are both here, and they are a family.
He thinks that maybe their hearts will always be a little bit broken, that a part of them will always be chipped away and lost due to grief over Mark and Lexie. But all of the parts that are left are so full, and that is something to celebrate. This gummy, drooling smile is proof that life goes on, that things get better, that people can heal.
Suddenly, it seems like they’ve been waiting for this smile forever.
***
A/N: I am so sorry for the long wait, but if you made it to the end of this 11,800 word chapter, I hope you can understand why it took so long! Thank you to all of you who have left a comment up to this point. I would love to hear from you again. And I would also love to hear from you if you haven’t left a comment before. If you can spare a second, please let me know what you thought!
There was a lot of ground to cover here, and I hope I did it justice! I’m just happy to finish before the last few episodes air. Thank you all again for reading! Bring on Baby Boy Shepherd!
Author: greymcdreamysgh
Pairing: MerDer
Rating: PG-13
Summary: MERDER. Picks up after 9x11. A short multi-chapter fic that deals with being a family, preparing for a new baby, recovering from the plane crash, and dealing with survivors' guilt.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
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Zola loves Caroline. Loves her.
Wants to be with her all the time, knows how to soothe her, demands that she get to show her off to everyone she meets. Obsessed.
And the only thing that surprises Meredith about it is that she is surprised. She’s not sure why, exactly, because Zola’s excitement when she was pregnant was a pretty good indicator of what to expect. Meredith kind of thought that once Caroline was born, and Zola realized that she was going to cry and poop and puke and demand as much attention as she does, that the attraction would wear off. But it hasn’t.
Still, when Meredith asks Zola over breakfast if she wants to spend some time together, just the two of them, Zola is thrilled. Derek has the day off, and Caroline is old enough that Meredith feels comfortable leaving her for a few hours-and Zola deserves this.
“Just me and Mama?” Zola asks.
Meredith smiles. “Just me and you.”
Zola turns to Derek, who is sitting next to her at the dining room table with Caroline in his arms, and asks. “Caroline will come too?”
Derek grins. “You want Caroline, but not Daddy?”
Zola wrinkles her nose. “Only girls.”
“Oh, I see,” he says, feigning hurt.
“I think Caroline is going to stay home with Daddy today, Zo,” Meredith says. She could bring Caroline if she wanted to, but she hasn’t really ventured out with both of them yet, and it seems kind of pointless to leave Derek at home alone. Plus, even though Zola usually doesn’t mind, Meredith does feel a little guilty about not being able to give her as much time as she used to.
She settles on taking Zola to Seattle Center that morning. Seattle Center-home of the Space Needle, and numerous museums, arts centers, and green spaces-is close enough that she can get home to Caroline if she needs to, fun enough so that Zola will feel like this is a treat, and everyday enough that Derek won’t feel like he’s missing out on a major event.
It’s unusually warm for early September, and a rare sunny day, so Meredith puts on a pair of long shorts and dresses Zola in shorts as well. She packs a bathing suit and a towel for Zola and they take the ferryboat across the Sound.
When they get to Seattle Center, she changes Zola into her bathing suit in the car first. She wants to take Zola to the International Fountain, a huge structure constantly and artfully shooting jets of water into the air, and then out for ice cream. She’s nervous about leaving Caroline because they have never given her a bottle before, and so while she has some ideas for what they might do after that, she doesn’t want to let Zola know in case those plans need to be cut short.
On the way to the International Fountain, they pass the ticket office and gift shop for the Ride the Ducks tour ticket office and gift shop. Upon seeing all the ducks in the window, Zola asks, “Can we go in there, Mama?”
They’ve just spent about a half hour on the ferry, so Meredith has no desire to get into one of the amphibious vehicles and take a water tour of the city. Fortunately, Zola doesn’t seem to realize what it actually is; she just wants to look at the duck merchandise.
The place is stuffed with t-shirts, towels, tiny Space Needle figurines, and about a million variations duck-inspired keychains, mugs, postcards, pens, buttons, and other junk that is meant for overeager tourists.
Zola is mesmerized by a display of rubber ducks. They’ve got plenty of traditional yellow ducks in all sizes, and they also have a lot of rubber ducks in various costumes-princesses, cowboys, superheroes, just about every occupation, and even ducks dressed as other animals. Meredith isn’t sure whether it’s just the mass of yellow, or if it’s all the variety within it, but Zola just stands there and stares.
“Can I have one?” she finally asks hopefully.
Zola never really asks for anything, and so Meredith sees no harm in spoiling her a little bit on occasion. She checks the price sticker on the bottom of one of the ducks, and it’s only a few dollars, so why not?
“Ok, let’s pick one,” Meredith agrees.
Zola’s face lights up, but then she looks overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the choice in front of her. She looks like she doesn’t know where to start, so Meredith starts pulling ducks off the shelf and suggesting them to Zola.
Zola refuses the chef, the cowboy, the giraffe, the princess, and the pink duck before she finally nods excitedly and reaches out her hands for the girl superhero. Meredith doesn’t really worry so much about Zola wanting to be a girly girl from time to time, but she can’t help but feel a little bit satisfied that Zola has chosen this particular toy.
“Should we go pay for it?” Meredith asks.
Zola nods, clutching the toy in both hands. “But, Mama, Caroline needs one too!”
Meredith grins, and hopes with everything she has in her that it will stay this way for the rest of her daughters’ lives, that Zola will never forget about Caroline or leave her behind.
Zola doesn't see it this way-and, frankly, Meredith doesn't want her to because this is her burden to bear-but Zola and Caroline feel a little bit like a second chance. And it doesn't come as a surprise to her at all that Zola is a better person than she is.
“You’re right,” Meredith replies, a little surprised to feel like there’s something caught in her throat when she speaks. “Caroline needs one too. Which one do you think she would like?”
Zola takes her time, but ultimately can’t decide between a baby duck complete with pacifier and bonnet, and a doctor duck in a stethoscope and scrubs that somehow escaped both of their notice the first time around. Meredith buys both.
“How about you share the doctor one?” Meredith asks. “We can keep them in the tub with your other duckies.”
“Ok,” Zola nods. “We can share it.”
“Should we go take the ducks to the water?” Meredith asks.
They pay for the toys, and make their way toward the International Fountain. Zola holds her superhero duck in her left hand, and clasps Meredith’s hand with her right.
“Hey, Zo?” Meredith says. Zola looks up at her. “I’m glad that you got a duckie for Caroline too. I’m proud of you.”
Zola nods, and pulls a little harder on Meredith’s hand for a brief moment to let her know that she has understood what Meredith said.
“How did you get to be such a good big sister?” Meredith asks.
Zola looks confused, and it takes Meredith a split second to realize that she isn’t answering because she hasn’t had to try. Finally, Zola says only, “It’s so easy, Mama.”
When they get to the fountain, it takes Zola a few tries to get used to the idea. She isn’t quite brave enough to run up to the fountain and touch it while she’s still completely dry, but when a jet of water shoots up from the ground and drenches her, she shrieks with laughter.
“Mama!” she cries. As water drips from her skin and hair, she scrunches her shoulders up closer to her ears and smiles. “Wet!”
She runs back to Meredith and asks for her duck, and Meredith watches her pretend to have the duck swim through the tiniest pools of water and ride on top of jets of water. She is pretty accustomed to Zola’s style of play, knowing that, right now at least, while Zola is imaginative, she prefers to play pretty normal games like zoo, and restaurant, and hospital. It’s rare that Meredith sees her playing in wholly fantasy worlds, but the cape on the rubber duck might be opening up new possibilities, because she’s pretty sure Zola knows that ducks can’t blast into the air like rockets.
While she sits on the outskirts of the fountain and watches Zola play as the sun warms her shoulders, she calls Derek to check in.
“How is everything going?” she asks.
“Everything’s fine here. How’s Zo?”
“She’s good,” Meredith says. "She's playing in the fountain. Did Caroline take a bottle?"
"I haven't tried yet, but I'm sure she'll be fine. She's just snuggling with her daddy at the moment, and we're watching Sports Center. Right, Bee?" he coos.
She loves this voice, the soft, buttery one he uses only on their daughters. She imagines them lounging on the couch-Caroline loves to snooze on Derek's chest-and for a second, she's so taken in that she forgets why she called in the first place.
"Ok, well if she doesn't eat, she's going to scream, Derek."
"I know, Meredith. I've heard her do it."
She laughs sarcastically. "Well, neither of us have heard how loud she might scream if she gets hungry and my boobs aren't there to come to the rescue."
"We have to try it sometime," he assures her. "I promise, I will ask you to come home if I need you. Go enjoy Zola. We're fine."
"You’ve got to try to get her before she starts screaming. I can get home whenever," she says again.
"I know, Mer," he says. "Ok, they're getting ready to recap last night's Yankees game; this is required viewing. Caroline, say bye to Mama. We'll see you later!"
She hangs up and watches Zola squatting on the concrete, zipping her duck back and forth over the wet pavement. A few minutes later, she gets a text from Derek. When she slides her phone open, she sees a picture of Caroline drinking contentedly from a bottle with a brief message: “Don’t worry about me, Mama!”
Zola is getting more daring now that she is completely soaked and basically has nothing to lose. Meredith watches her run to the center of the fountain and back several times, shrieking with delight every time more water hits her. After a few times, she turns back to Meredith. “Come on, Mama!”
Meredith shakes her head, but Zola persists. “Mama, you too!”
Meredith grimaces. She has not packed a bathing suit for herself, and even if she did, she’s six weeks postpartum and in no mood to wear it. But it is unusually warm outside, and this is Zola’s day after all, and nothing she is wearing won’t dry in the sun.
She slips off her shoes and leaves them with her bag on the outskirts of the fountain, on the dry concrete, and she joins Zola under the fountain. It’s easy to stay dry at first because they’re far enough from the jets that are constantly shooting water upwards and outwards, but then a light stream of water rains down onto her hair and part of her shirt.
Zola laughs. Standing in front of her mother, she stretches up her arms in a request to be picked up. Meredith scoops Zola into her arms, marveling at how big she seems now that she is mostly used to holding a newborn, and Zola wraps her legs around Meredith’s waist.
Both of them have wet hair, and Meredith’s shirt, which was only damp before, becomes soaked as Zola presses her wet bathing suit into her. Zola wraps her arms around Meredith’s neck, kisses her, and says-with so much joy-“You are the best mama!”
***
After nearly seven weeks at home, Derek can tell that Meredith is jonesing for a surgery. She has been calling him at work, just to check in, since she started her maternity leave, but over the past week and a half or so, she has been calling more and more.
She has a pretty good knack of paging him when he actually does have some time to talk, so much so that he thinks she must be getting his schedule each day from an intern or one of the charge nurses. He even bends their rule of no neuro talk, because he can tell she’s desperate.
The surgery he has today, however, he can’t bring himself to tell her about beforehand. His patient is fifty years old and has a tumor on his C8 vertebrae, lying over the nerves that control a dozen critical hand functions.
“You’ve done this before, right?” Matthew Pollock asks from his pre-op hospital bed.
“I have,” Derek replies.
“I’ve been a commercial painter for 30 years,” he says. “I need my hands.”
“I know,” Derek says. “I’m going to be extremely careful, and obviously, we’ll do everything we can to preserve as much function as we can.”
“These hands feed my kids, Doc. I have no intention of filing for disability. I want to work. I need to work. So I need you to get this one right. Can you help me out with that?”
Derek smiles, and nods. There’s no way Mr. Pollock could know how much he understands, how hard he really will try to save his hands, but he assures him again that he will do his very best.
While he scrubs, he tries not to think about the fact that Matthew Pollock has three kids to support and has expressly told him that these nerves are non-negotiable. It’s not helping him prepare for what he knows will be a long surgery, and he knows what the stakes are without dwelling on them. Years of practice have made it very difficult to psych him out, but this case feels different.
Mr. Pollock’s procedure is a delicate one that involves the careful resection of tumor while avoiding the fragile, critical nerves. Derek takes his time. This guy needs his hands. And so the OR is almost completely silent for hours while Derek works, and he speaks only to give instruction, not for idle chatter.
When he finally closes the Mr. Pollock’s back and steps away from the table, he won’t let himself breathe a sigh of relief. Not yet.
Meredith calls again once he’s out of surgery, but he still doesn’t mention the procedure, and she really can’t talk either. She just asks him to pick up dinner on the way home, and tells him that she’ll see him later.
Later, Brooks pages him to let him know that Matthew Pollock is awake. He is pale and groggy from the anesthesia, and looks small against the pillow. He got the whole tumor, so the patient’s symptoms should resolve regardless, but he hopes that he hasn’t created a whole new hell for this man.
He watches Brooks do a basic neurological check, and everything looks fine. His vitals are stable, his pain is under control, and he is as alert as he can be for just coming out of a long surgery.
But the real test is when Derek takes Mr. Pollock’s hand in his. “Can you squeeze my hand?” he asks softly.
Matthew Pollock doesn’t speak, but he does manage to squeeze Derek’s hand. Hard. On paper, this is a routine case, but Derek is so relieved and proud of what he has done for this man. A wave of relief rushes over him, and even though Mr. Pollock’s eyes are closed in exhaustion and can’t see him, his face lights up in a smile.
When he walks in his front door later that evening, with take-out containers and Zola in tow, Meredith puts the baby into his arms within thirty seconds of his arrival and takes the food from him in exchange.
“She just wants to be held,” Meredith says, “And I just need a minute.”
Caroline is thriving, obviously mostly under Meredith’s care. She’s put on four pounds since birth, her hair has gotten a little longer, and she looks more alert and aware each day. Derek notices that Caroline is staring up at him with what he swears is a twinkle in her eye, and he would bet anything that they’ll finally get a smile out of her soon.
He holds Caroline with one arm and uses his other hand to eat dinner. He throws their rule out the window, and tells Meredith all about Matthew Pollock, and the C8 vertebrae, and the best handshake he’s received in a long time.
She drinks it up, asks all the right questions, and congratulates him on a job well done. It’s one of the reasons why he loves her so much. She gets it. She wants it just as much. She knows how much it all means.
He and Meredith get the girls in bed, taking turns with the long list of things that need to be done: dinner dishes, baths, feedings, stories, and cuddles. Once he gets Zola into bed, he pops into Caroline’s room, where Meredith is nursing her in the rocking chair.
“Zola’s asleep,” he says. “I’m going to take a shower. Are you coming to bed soon?”
“Yeah,” she says. “She’s almost done.”
Derek slips into the shower in the master bathroom, letting the hot water wash away the stress of a very long day. He’s noticed a big difference, either in perception or reality, in how they spend their evenings after having a second baby. Before, it felt like they had a little more time to eat dinner, to relax, to have a glass of wine-even though Zola still needed to be bathed and read to and put to bed. Now, it seems like he’s sprinting to work so he can sprint home and then flit in and out of sleep for a few hours before he does it all over again. It’s a new kind of exhaustion, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.
He’s not in the shower for more than seven or eight minutes when he hears the bathroom door open. Before he knows what’s happening, Meredith slips into the shower with him.
“What are you doing?” he asks in surprise.
“I’m showering with you,” she says simply, wrapping her arms around him and kissing him. “Are you objecting?”
They haven’t tried to have sex again since last week. Part of it is just that there is very little time or energy, but if he’s being truthful, what happened when they tried last week freaks him out. He doesn’t want to hurt her, but he also doesn’t know a way around it, and so he’s been avoiding the issue and hoping that a solution will just present itself.
But his wife is now wet and naked and standing in front of him, and now it’s impossible to avoid the issue. Frankly, she looks so good that he doesn’t want to avoid it anyway. Perhaps this is the solution.
“Not objecting,” he says, returning her kiss and gasping when she grips him firmly in one hand.
“Good,” she says. “Because the girls are asleep, and you saved a life today, and I’m on a contact high.”
He laughs a little, but what she’s doing to him is quickly making his mind fuzzy. The combination of the water cascading down his back and the blood coursing through his veins is dizzying.
“Meredith,” he says breathlessly.
“Derek,” she interrupts. “We’re getting back in the saddle, or whatever.”
“We are,” he agrees.
“We are. Are you going to touch me?”
“Yes,” he says without a moment’s hesitation. She is soft curves and warmth and lips and hands everywhere, and she’s quickly making him lose control. He’s gentle with her, running his hands up and down her sides and kissing her lips and shoulders and breasts.
She moves backward, and he follows until her back is flush against the shower wall and his body is pressed firmly against hers.
He wants her so much, but he worries. He wants it to feel good for her too. It always has before, and although he knows it isn’t anyone’s fault, she deserves a release as much as he does. He has always taken great pride in being able to give that to her.
He takes his time, does all her favorite things until she moans loudly and asks for more. He knows her well enough to tell the difference between a shriek of pain and one of pleasure. He’s finally gotten the latter. When she wraps her arms around his neck and one leg around his thigh, he lifts her up so she can get both legs around his waist with her back still pressed against the wall.
“Take me for a ride, Derek,” she says.
***
It’s one of those mornings when everything feels like it falls into place. He doesn’t have to work, both girls wake up happy, and somehow-miraculously-he and Meredith both feel rested. The sky is overcast, but the forecast does not call for rain until the overnight hours, and so he packs a lunch and the four of them make their way to the lake.
Caroline dozes off after a few minutes in the stroller, and Zola walks a few paces ahead of them. They’ve walked this path before what feels like hundreds of times, but it feels different this time, at least to him. They take Zola here often, but at just over seven weeks since her birth, this is the first time that Caroline is going too.
The lake is beautiful, quiet, peaceful, and perfect for fishing. He loves the view from their house, but this winding walk through the woods, where the trees are spaced just far enough apart to let the light shine in, might be the thing he likes more. Before, he used to think that this unspoiled land, this haven, is why he bought this land, what he wanted out of it. But now, as he watches Zola squat to pick up a pine cone, and then pop back up, skipping along for a few paces like she is making up for lost time, he knows that, even if this isn’t why he bought the land in the first place, this is why it still holds value.
They spread a blanket out on the grass in the clearing in front of the water, detach the car seat holding Caroline from the rest of the stroller, and set it down next to them. Zola squelches into the mud at the water’s edge in her new pink rain boots. Her old ones, with black and yellow stripes and tiny antenna were outgrown just a few weeks ago and will be saved for Caroline. Even though Zola seems to like her new shoes, she was a little reluctant to part with her old ones until she realized, somewhat delightedly, that her favorite honeybee was going to get bee boots one day. Suddenly, her growing pains were that much easier to bear.
“Mama,” Zola calls. “Come with me!”
Meredith takes a peek at Caroline and sees that she’s still sleeping before joining Zola at the water. He watches the two of them standing at the edge of the water. Zola is in further than Meredith, who isn’t wearing boots, and when she realizes, she backs up to stand closer to her mother and holds her hand. Zola points at the surface of the water, trying to get Meredith to see something in the lake, but Meredith must not be able to because Zola points ever more insistently before she finally shrugs and gives up. She stands there with Meredith for a few minutes, and then inches back towards the water so that an inch of it or so runs over her rubber-clad feet. Still, she never lets go of Meredith’s hand, even though they both have to stretch their arms out a little to maintain their hold. As they stay that way, Derek doesn’t know who needs to hold onto whom the most.
Caroline stirs in her car seat, bundled in a sweater and knit hat and snuggled under a fleecy blanket. She opens her eyes and stares intently at him. Her focus has improved so much over the past few days, and he loves when she looks at him and knows that she’s looking at him.
“Hi, Bee,” he coos. “Did you have a good nap?”
He unbuckles her and lifts her gently into his arms, cuddling her until she wakes up fully. “Caroline, look at Mama and Zola,” he says. “When you’re bigger, you can do that too.”
He bends his knees and puts his feet flat on the ground, settling Caroline on his thighs. “Caroline,” he says, tapping her nose with the tip of his pointer finger. “Hi, pretty girl.”
It doesn’t take long for Zola to notice that Caroline is awake, and when she does, she darts back up the bank of the lake, kicks her boots off onto the grass, and crawls onto the blanket next to Derek.
“Hi,” Zola says, taking one of Caroline’s fists in her hand. “Daddy, you didn’t say Caroline woked up.”
“She only woke up a few minutes ago, Zo,” he says. “You didn’t miss anything. How was the water?”
“Cold,” Zola says. “Too cold for baby Caroline’s feet. But I can go because I’m big and I have boots.”
“You’re right,” he says, and just like that, Zola is up and walking through the grass in her stocking feet, already on to the next thing.
Meredith takes her place at his side, and leans in and kisses Caroline’s cheeks and belly over and over. Caroline gurgles and flails her arms at the attention.
“How’s my girl?” Meredith asks. She traces her finger lightly over Caroline’s cheeks, and can’t help but kiss her again. “Caroline, what do you think about the lake?” Meredith asks. “Do you like it? Daddy will take you fishing here with Zola when you’re bigger.”
He shifts Caroline to the crook of his arm, holding her so she can look out at the water, even though she won’t really be able to tell what it is. But she’s so calm in his arms, staring peacefully at the scene in front of her, that he thinks that maybe she does know.
“I think she likes it,” he says.
“Daddy,” Zola calls from a few feet away. “Look what I got!” Zola squats in the grass, her elbows on her knees, and holds up a slimy, wriggling pink worm. “A worm!”
She runs it back to the blanket and holds the creature out to them, like there is nothing at all repulsive about it. “We can take him home, Mama?” she asks. Derek grins. Zola already knows that if she wants something, she needs to clear it with Meredith first.
“Hmm,” Meredith says. “I don’t know, Lovebug. I don’t think that would be a good idea.”
“Why not?” Zola whines. “I like it.”
“I know, but I think he needs to be with his worm friends.”
Zola gives her a skeptical look. “I only saw one. No friends.”
“Worms usually are underground, Zo,” Derek says. “His worm mommy and daddy and brothers and sisters are all under there, in the dirt. We don’t want to take him away from them, do we?”
Zola shakes her head. “I can put him back.”
“Ok,” Meredith agrees. “But you can find some other stuff to take home if you want. What about another pine cone so Caroline has one too?”
Zola nods excitedly. “Good idea!”
She darts off to put the worm back in the grass, and then starts to scour at the edge of the clearing for pine cones. Meredith gets up too.
“Let me know when you think she needs to eat, ok?” she asks him. “I’m gonna go with Zola.”
He holds Caroline, intermittently pressing his lips to the top of her head, while he watches Zola and Meredith pick up three or four pine cones before Zola switches to dandelions, probably because they’re easier to carry, though Zola would say it is because they’re prettier.
Zola drops a fistful of dandelions, freshly plucked out of the earth, onto the blanket next to him, but then takes one out of the pile and puts it on Caroline’s stomach. “That one is Caroline’s,” she says to Derek in a serious voice. “Don’t lose it.”
“I won’t,” he says. He watches Zola go back to Meredith. The two of them, bundled in jackets in the cool autumn air, lie in the grass and stare up at the sky. Meredith has one arm wrapped around Zola, and her head is tilted towards the little girl as she speaks. They’re close enough that he can see them so clearly, but far enough away that he can’t hear the things they whisper to one another as Meredith points up at the clouds.
“Caroline, there’s your mama and sister,” he says softly, like he can’t believe it, like he can’t believe they’re there and that this is his life now.
He doesn’t let himself think about it very much-the difference between then and now-but when those thoughts do creep up on him, it is almost always here, by this water.
This is where he used to come when he missed Meredith, or when he wanted to save her but didn’t know how, or when he wanted her back when he was sure she was lost.
This is the place he goes when he wants to be alone. The morning after he batted Meredith’s engagement ring into the ground, the morning after they lost Zola, and the morning after they took Mark off life support were all spent here.
It’s strange, then, that this place gives him so much peace because all of those memories are associated with hubris and longing and shame and heart-wrenching grief. But maybe he likes it because he knows that every time he comes here, he thinks about all the times before and how they got better. He thinks about Meredith’s face illuminated in candlelight, and of her loopy signature on a blue post-it. He thinks about the stunned disbelief that came with holding Zola in the hallway of the old house, and of Zola toddling towards them, arms outstretched while he fumbled for the video camera. He thinks about the baby in his arms now, who was never supposed to be here, and what Mark would say if he could see Derek following in his father’s footsteps, wrapped around the fingers of his two daughters. He would tease him and say that he and Meredith better try for a boy next.
Meredith gets up a few minutes later, and brings Zola back to the blanket with her. “How’s she doing?” she asks, reaching for Caroline.
He shifts the baby into her arms. “She’s good. Do you want me to feed her, or do you want to?”
He has tried to take the pressure off Meredith when he can, knowing that she has been running herself ragged trying to keep up with Caroline’s demanding appetite and that everything will be harder when she goes back to work in a few weeks if Caroline still isn’t used to a bottle. Fortunately, while Caroline prefers Meredith, she will let him feed her if necessary.
“You can,” she says, “But let’s do tummy time for a little bit first. We haven’t done it yet today.” Caroline grunts and whimpers when Meredith settles her on the blanket, tummy down. “Oh, I know, Honeybee,” she says. “Your favorite thing.”
Caroline is getting stronger by the day and so she tries to look up at Meredith, supporting her own head the whole time.
“Hey, Zo,” Derek says, plucking a thick blade of grass out of the ground. “Watch this.”
He situates the grass tightly between his thumbs and blows. The grass vibrates and makes a whistling sound, and Zola laughs with delight. Even Caroline looks up in confusion.
“Do that again!” she says. He obliges and Zola cracks up like it is the cleverest thing she has ever seen. “I can try too!”
She picks her own grass and lays down on the blanket, tummy down just like Caroline, and faces the baby. She tries to mimic him, but can’t quite figure out how to do it. She blows into her hands, but doesn’t have the grass pressed tightly enough between her thumbs and winds up blowing the grass out of her hands entirely.
Caroline thinks it’s funny, though, and her eyes widen as she watches her big sister. Zola tries again and again, to no avail, but on her fourth try, something amazing happens. Zola still can’t whistle with a blade of grass, but when she fails again, and the grass goes flying, Caroline’s eyes twinkle and her mouth widens in a huge, unmistakable smile.
He looks up at Meredith in stunned disbelief, and he knows that she saw it too because her eyes are full of tears. He can’t imagine what this must mean to her that Zola got this milestone. He knows how much she wants them to love one another, how badly she wants them to be close. Zola has made her feelings about Caroline abundantly clear, but this is the first time that Caroline has returned the affection. It’s the first time that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they know that the feeling is mutual.
“Daddy!” Zola cries. “Caroline is happy!”
Meredith wipes tears out of her eyes. Seeing her cry, he feels like he could cry too, because he knows that for all that has happened to them in the past, and for all they have lost, there is so much joy to look forward to. Despite everything, and against all odds, these girls are both here, and they are a family.
He thinks that maybe their hearts will always be a little bit broken, that a part of them will always be chipped away and lost due to grief over Mark and Lexie. But all of the parts that are left are so full, and that is something to celebrate. This gummy, drooling smile is proof that life goes on, that things get better, that people can heal.
Suddenly, it seems like they’ve been waiting for this smile forever.
***
A/N: I am so sorry for the long wait, but if you made it to the end of this 11,800 word chapter, I hope you can understand why it took so long! Thank you to all of you who have left a comment up to this point. I would love to hear from you again. And I would also love to hear from you if you haven’t left a comment before. If you can spare a second, please let me know what you thought!
There was a lot of ground to cover here, and I hope I did it justice! I’m just happy to finish before the last few episodes air. Thank you all again for reading! Bring on Baby Boy Shepherd!