(no subject)
So tonight my dad and sister (W) stopped by my school for a few hours to have dinner with me on their drive from VA to GA. Dad flew out to VA from TX to take W to the airport in GA and drive her car back across the country to give to another sister, K; W flies out tomorrow to start a graduate program in Austria.
It was the first time either of them have visited me here at school. I was a little nervous about seeing Dad, since he's made it clear he "doesn't approve of my lifestyle choice", and I haven't seen him since May (at W's graduation). It went relatively smoothly. We didn't talk about any controversial topics (of course, since almost everything is controversial with my parents, that didn't leave much to talk about...) and mostly just joked on each other. Had dinner at Zaxby's, laughed at a sign on the wall bearing a John Wayne quote: "Life is tough, but it's tougher if you're stupid", drove back to campus, discussed how to use Skype, said goodbyes, and they left. They weren't interested in seeing the campus or meeting my friends or seeing my pictures from my trip this summer. Well, let me revise that: W wouldn't have minded, but Dad wasn't interested. I guess I should have expected that, since Mom wasn't interested in seeing the pictures, either, when I offered to show them to her a few weeks ago (she was in GA to take care of her mom and I went down to visit). I know they don't want to see pictures of me with C or her family, but I thought they might like to see the ones of our friends and neighbors from Germany. Guess not.
I try to pretend that their reactions to my life don't hurt, that I'm used to it, that I've heard it all and nothing has changed in years, and for the most part, I am able to push the feelings away and wall them off. Sometimes the hurt sneaks through the cracks, though, and I unexpectedly find myself brushing away tears I didn't realize I was crying. And sometimes I wonder if I cut my parents too much slack... I know where they're coming from, I know they love me, I understand how hard this is for them -- but then I'll talk to my friends and they'll be appalled at something my parents have said -- and I'll second-guess myself. I've wondered this a lot, actually: how much of what I think is normal really isn't?
I'm also more upset about W leaving than I thought I would be. We haven't really been close in years, but ever since she got over being homophobic we've been doing a lot better. Our personalities and lifestyles are sooo different, though, that it's hard to relate to each other sometimes. Regardless of how inept I am at life in general, I'm still her big sister, and I'm anxious about her going off to Europe by herself and starting a new life over there. Okay, grr, that is not at all what I want to say. Clearly I need to work on this writing thing. I feel like I haven't been a very good big sister, is what I mean, and yet somehow she still calls me when she doesn't know where else to turn, when she's upset or angry or scared or sick. And so far I've always been able to drop everything and go take care of her, or at least talk to her until she's okay again... And now she'll be 4600 miles away, plus a six-hour time difference... I guess part of me is jealous she's able to go live in Europe right now, even though I plan on moving over there in a few months. But mostly I'm apprehensive about how she'll handle being over there on her own without knowing anyone. I know she's really scared. And I'm going to miss her so much...
Okay this isn't really going anywhere and it's definitely not coherent, so I guess I should go start my homework or something, huh?
Or I could go try that cookie she brought me. A special cookie. ;)
It was the first time either of them have visited me here at school. I was a little nervous about seeing Dad, since he's made it clear he "doesn't approve of my lifestyle choice", and I haven't seen him since May (at W's graduation). It went relatively smoothly. We didn't talk about any controversial topics (of course, since almost everything is controversial with my parents, that didn't leave much to talk about...) and mostly just joked on each other. Had dinner at Zaxby's, laughed at a sign on the wall bearing a John Wayne quote: "Life is tough, but it's tougher if you're stupid", drove back to campus, discussed how to use Skype, said goodbyes, and they left. They weren't interested in seeing the campus or meeting my friends or seeing my pictures from my trip this summer. Well, let me revise that: W wouldn't have minded, but Dad wasn't interested. I guess I should have expected that, since Mom wasn't interested in seeing the pictures, either, when I offered to show them to her a few weeks ago (she was in GA to take care of her mom and I went down to visit). I know they don't want to see pictures of me with C or her family, but I thought they might like to see the ones of our friends and neighbors from Germany. Guess not.
I try to pretend that their reactions to my life don't hurt, that I'm used to it, that I've heard it all and nothing has changed in years, and for the most part, I am able to push the feelings away and wall them off. Sometimes the hurt sneaks through the cracks, though, and I unexpectedly find myself brushing away tears I didn't realize I was crying. And sometimes I wonder if I cut my parents too much slack... I know where they're coming from, I know they love me, I understand how hard this is for them -- but then I'll talk to my friends and they'll be appalled at something my parents have said -- and I'll second-guess myself. I've wondered this a lot, actually: how much of what I think is normal really isn't?
I'm also more upset about W leaving than I thought I would be. We haven't really been close in years, but ever since she got over being homophobic we've been doing a lot better. Our personalities and lifestyles are sooo different, though, that it's hard to relate to each other sometimes. Regardless of how inept I am at life in general, I'm still her big sister, and I'm anxious about her going off to Europe by herself and starting a new life over there. Okay, grr, that is not at all what I want to say. Clearly I need to work on this writing thing. I feel like I haven't been a very good big sister, is what I mean, and yet somehow she still calls me when she doesn't know where else to turn, when she's upset or angry or scared or sick. And so far I've always been able to drop everything and go take care of her, or at least talk to her until she's okay again... And now she'll be 4600 miles away, plus a six-hour time difference... I guess part of me is jealous she's able to go live in Europe right now, even though I plan on moving over there in a few months. But mostly I'm apprehensive about how she'll handle being over there on her own without knowing anyone. I know she's really scared. And I'm going to miss her so much...
Okay this isn't really going anywhere and it's definitely not coherent, so I guess I should go start my homework or something, huh?
Or I could go try that cookie she brought me. A special cookie. ;)