Old stuff 10: The Conversation
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
The Conversation.
Current mood: worried
Beat Used: Mobb Deep "Hell on Earth" (Instrumental)
I wrote this for a few people in my life: and also for anyone who can relate to this.
"The Conversation"
Verse 1: Dad, I really never got to know you at all. And i can only remember few things, like you were tall. And loved us all, more than anything you ever owned. And left us so abruptly on the day God phoned. I remember some birthdays and others i guess i misplace. I remember you leaving for work, putting me in bed with mom and telling me that i was the "man of the place". I loved you, even though i barely knew you, We still miss you, and put flowers and balloons on your grave, everytime i pass by i can picture you the day your heart gave. And your head hit the table, i held my breath. I was too young to understand the true meaning of death. Then the ambulance came in, and took you away. I can remember it even clearer with each passing day. I still see mom crying, Papa huggin here tight. The police telling us everything was gonna be alright. Sitting under the tree, i prayed later on that night. Asking for God to bring you back, who's going to plug in my nightlight? Most of all i miss fishin'..........but even more i'm wishin, I could see you one time, and spend just one day together. Could that make it all better? Probably not. But who knows. I want to find out.
Chorus: I just wanted to say, i feel like i'm missing something all the kids have. And i want it back. It's not easy losing someone you love, and each time we do, our hearts turn black, for awhile.........Eventually we move on to look towards the what's ahead. To me you'll always be here, in my heart you're never dead.
Verse 2: Papa, I don't know where to begin........Except to ask if you would brighten my life once again. Always there to lift me up, when i only felt down. Never dropping me once, without having my feet on the ground. You taught me so many things, and i love you so much. I knew that i could always use you to lean on as a cruch. When dad died, you lost your only son.......But you decided to take a chance and teach a new one, who's name was the same as his., you raised me to be the man that i am. You taught me what it was, to be the chain in the fam. And most of all you offered advice, to anything whenever i needed it to suffice. Told me life wasn't about anything other than doing the right thing. Taught me morals and many things on the swing. I remember sitting on the porch, just goofing around. I never thought i'd have to deal with losing you but soon enough i found. That life starts and life ends. You gain new family and you lose old friends. But i didn't want to accept it, and i still don't to some degree. I get angry when i think that God took you from me. But for the past few months of your life you were sick, and to me you were never a weak man. To see you reduced to a hospital bed, i was relieved you were gone to the promise land, but i still wanted you here, wanted you near, to tell me it was okay. I made you promise to live long enough to be the best man at my wedding day. And you made that promise, with a smile on your face. And that makes me cry still gramps, it hurts me to reminesce. Remember when i was little i would give you a kiss, and tell you goodnight, as i crept off to bed. Scared of the man under the bed and in the closet, you put in a nightlight. Now i sleep in total darkness everynight. It seems like only yesterday you watched as i walked across the stage, in front of that crowd. Got my diploma and made you and my mom proud. Then the next day when i woke up sarah told me you were gone. I looked at her and laughed and told her she must be wrong, but then she started crying, and i punched the wall. Knocked everything in my room over and watched it fall. Sat in the car on the way to Your house with my head in my hands. Thinking about what to say to Mama, coming up with some plans. She must be devastated, but she looked so calm. I couldn't keep my composure, i felt like i was hit by a bomb. So i ran out to the shed and locked myself in. Wonderin if i'd ever see you again. And i know i will. I stayed with Mama on Christmas as usual. But i couldn't go to sleep it was most unusual. I hadn't cried about your death in over six months, maybe seven. But as i said my prayers i felt you talk to me from heaven........and then i began to dream. Flashbacks of the days we used to scream in the room and you'd come in with a broom and tell us you'd sweep us out. You used to be the greatest man i knew, bigger than the moon. And i pray that i see you soon. I love you man. "Remember when I back talked Mama? You came into my room that night and pulled me out of bed. Walked me to the bathroom and opened that closet door, there in front of me was your whole belt collection, you simply said, "pick one" and i started crying immediately. You spanked me i think 8 times in the living room. and told me never to do it again. We both agreed it wouldn't happen and you sent me back to bed." That is one of the greatest things you've ever done for me. You taught me how to treat a woman. No matter what age or relation. I miss you more than anything.
Chorus: (2x)
Verse 3(last verse): God, I know you're listening now, I've been saying my prayers so i know that somehow you're aware. Of all the shit that's going down. How the moment You pulled my dad up with you, my life turned upside down. But i'm not hateful or resentful, but yes i feel greedy. I want them both back for i feel like i'm the needy. And you haven't come through, I'm put under so much stress. First them now life in general, i've sinned i confess. But i feel i've been wronged. Mad for awhile and right along. My mom is constantly sad b/c we don't have enough money for her to do anything other than watch US have fun. I try and help out, but feel like i'm the only one. I love my family to death and would do anything to improve. I'm just asking you to make the first move. Or are you just sitting there? High up in heaven chillin on in your chair.....listening to what i say float through the air. Is that the meaning of prayer? Because i'm waiting for mine to be heard. Just please help me out, it's not that absurd. I've got school, family problems, money, and now the police. God please grab ahold of me and don't ever release. I know you'll never let me down, and that you work in mysterious ways, but i'm begging you work some magic in a couple of days. This is all straight from my heart. And me saying i'm sorry is where i'm going to end this song as well as start, a new relationship, in you i trust. Help me get through this trail of tribulation, in you i trust.
----For those of you who don't know. My father died when i was six years old of a heartattack. I'm not going into much further details. My grandfather practically meant the world to me, and he died the day after i graduated from high school. Throughout my life i've felt cheated, like i deserve more. But i've realized that i was blessed to have just the amount of time with them that i did.
The Conversation.
Current mood: worried
Beat Used: Mobb Deep "Hell on Earth" (Instrumental)
I wrote this for a few people in my life: and also for anyone who can relate to this.
"The Conversation"
Verse 1: Dad, I really never got to know you at all. And i can only remember few things, like you were tall. And loved us all, more than anything you ever owned. And left us so abruptly on the day God phoned. I remember some birthdays and others i guess i misplace. I remember you leaving for work, putting me in bed with mom and telling me that i was the "man of the place". I loved you, even though i barely knew you, We still miss you, and put flowers and balloons on your grave, everytime i pass by i can picture you the day your heart gave. And your head hit the table, i held my breath. I was too young to understand the true meaning of death. Then the ambulance came in, and took you away. I can remember it even clearer with each passing day. I still see mom crying, Papa huggin here tight. The police telling us everything was gonna be alright. Sitting under the tree, i prayed later on that night. Asking for God to bring you back, who's going to plug in my nightlight? Most of all i miss fishin'..........but even more i'm wishin, I could see you one time, and spend just one day together. Could that make it all better? Probably not. But who knows. I want to find out.
Chorus: I just wanted to say, i feel like i'm missing something all the kids have. And i want it back. It's not easy losing someone you love, and each time we do, our hearts turn black, for awhile.........Eventually we move on to look towards the what's ahead. To me you'll always be here, in my heart you're never dead.
Verse 2: Papa, I don't know where to begin........Except to ask if you would brighten my life once again. Always there to lift me up, when i only felt down. Never dropping me once, without having my feet on the ground. You taught me so many things, and i love you so much. I knew that i could always use you to lean on as a cruch. When dad died, you lost your only son.......But you decided to take a chance and teach a new one, who's name was the same as his., you raised me to be the man that i am. You taught me what it was, to be the chain in the fam. And most of all you offered advice, to anything whenever i needed it to suffice. Told me life wasn't about anything other than doing the right thing. Taught me morals and many things on the swing. I remember sitting on the porch, just goofing around. I never thought i'd have to deal with losing you but soon enough i found. That life starts and life ends. You gain new family and you lose old friends. But i didn't want to accept it, and i still don't to some degree. I get angry when i think that God took you from me. But for the past few months of your life you were sick, and to me you were never a weak man. To see you reduced to a hospital bed, i was relieved you were gone to the promise land, but i still wanted you here, wanted you near, to tell me it was okay. I made you promise to live long enough to be the best man at my wedding day. And you made that promise, with a smile on your face. And that makes me cry still gramps, it hurts me to reminesce. Remember when i was little i would give you a kiss, and tell you goodnight, as i crept off to bed. Scared of the man under the bed and in the closet, you put in a nightlight. Now i sleep in total darkness everynight. It seems like only yesterday you watched as i walked across the stage, in front of that crowd. Got my diploma and made you and my mom proud. Then the next day when i woke up sarah told me you were gone. I looked at her and laughed and told her she must be wrong, but then she started crying, and i punched the wall. Knocked everything in my room over and watched it fall. Sat in the car on the way to Your house with my head in my hands. Thinking about what to say to Mama, coming up with some plans. She must be devastated, but she looked so calm. I couldn't keep my composure, i felt like i was hit by a bomb. So i ran out to the shed and locked myself in. Wonderin if i'd ever see you again. And i know i will. I stayed with Mama on Christmas as usual. But i couldn't go to sleep it was most unusual. I hadn't cried about your death in over six months, maybe seven. But as i said my prayers i felt you talk to me from heaven........and then i began to dream. Flashbacks of the days we used to scream in the room and you'd come in with a broom and tell us you'd sweep us out. You used to be the greatest man i knew, bigger than the moon. And i pray that i see you soon. I love you man. "Remember when I back talked Mama? You came into my room that night and pulled me out of bed. Walked me to the bathroom and opened that closet door, there in front of me was your whole belt collection, you simply said, "pick one" and i started crying immediately. You spanked me i think 8 times in the living room. and told me never to do it again. We both agreed it wouldn't happen and you sent me back to bed." That is one of the greatest things you've ever done for me. You taught me how to treat a woman. No matter what age or relation. I miss you more than anything.
Chorus: (2x)
Verse 3(last verse): God, I know you're listening now, I've been saying my prayers so i know that somehow you're aware. Of all the shit that's going down. How the moment You pulled my dad up with you, my life turned upside down. But i'm not hateful or resentful, but yes i feel greedy. I want them both back for i feel like i'm the needy. And you haven't come through, I'm put under so much stress. First them now life in general, i've sinned i confess. But i feel i've been wronged. Mad for awhile and right along. My mom is constantly sad b/c we don't have enough money for her to do anything other than watch US have fun. I try and help out, but feel like i'm the only one. I love my family to death and would do anything to improve. I'm just asking you to make the first move. Or are you just sitting there? High up in heaven chillin on in your chair.....listening to what i say float through the air. Is that the meaning of prayer? Because i'm waiting for mine to be heard. Just please help me out, it's not that absurd. I've got school, family problems, money, and now the police. God please grab ahold of me and don't ever release. I know you'll never let me down, and that you work in mysterious ways, but i'm begging you work some magic in a couple of days. This is all straight from my heart. And me saying i'm sorry is where i'm going to end this song as well as start, a new relationship, in you i trust. Help me get through this trail of tribulation, in you i trust.
----For those of you who don't know. My father died when i was six years old of a heartattack. I'm not going into much further details. My grandfather practically meant the world to me, and he died the day after i graduated from high school. Throughout my life i've felt cheated, like i deserve more. But i've realized that i was blessed to have just the amount of time with them that i did.