hours.
hospitals always smell the same.
the surgery went well. 40 percent of her liver is gone, but is regenerating as i type this. the pathology report wont be back for five days, but the surgeon believes it is not a tumor, but rather a stone that grew for decades in her liver. this is very rare in america, but very common in eastern women. there is a good chance though that this growth could still be cancerous. so! more waiting and always praying. i am learning so much about my immediate family, about how i am still trying to fix my parents relationship on some level, even though i Know in my Head there is not a thing i can do. i cannot make my father unselfish and i cannot make my mother stick up for herself. i am trying so hard to accept them where they are; why is that so hard? why can i do that for other people but not for my parents? i know the answers in theory but i do not know them in practice.
everyone was elated when the surgeon said that the growth wasnt obviously cancer. they barely heard him when he said it still could be. i dont feel that elation. i still have this really keen sense that Everything is Not Okay. im just trying to figure out if its me who's not okay or if its my mother. if its physical or if its spiritual. nothing feels clear. lack of sleep and too much caffeine certainly dont help.
but:
my mother will probably come home today, if her fever subsides.
matthew takes the most wonderful care of our little one. & i am grateful for him letting me nap an hour longer than i said i would, and greeting me with a quesadilla and a cup of coffee. noahs smiles melt all sorts of hardness and after barely seeing him at all on friday, and for just a few hours on saturday, he looks like he has changed so much. grown, for sure.
there are birds at the birdfeeder, deer out back, noah sleeping off a full belly, and the most lovely breeze is blowing. matthew is at the Friends Meeting & i sat outside with noah. i prayed and he cooed.
this is Life, and its always moving. and messy. and beautiful.
the surgery went well. 40 percent of her liver is gone, but is regenerating as i type this. the pathology report wont be back for five days, but the surgeon believes it is not a tumor, but rather a stone that grew for decades in her liver. this is very rare in america, but very common in eastern women. there is a good chance though that this growth could still be cancerous. so! more waiting and always praying. i am learning so much about my immediate family, about how i am still trying to fix my parents relationship on some level, even though i Know in my Head there is not a thing i can do. i cannot make my father unselfish and i cannot make my mother stick up for herself. i am trying so hard to accept them where they are; why is that so hard? why can i do that for other people but not for my parents? i know the answers in theory but i do not know them in practice.
everyone was elated when the surgeon said that the growth wasnt obviously cancer. they barely heard him when he said it still could be. i dont feel that elation. i still have this really keen sense that Everything is Not Okay. im just trying to figure out if its me who's not okay or if its my mother. if its physical or if its spiritual. nothing feels clear. lack of sleep and too much caffeine certainly dont help.
but:
my mother will probably come home today, if her fever subsides.
matthew takes the most wonderful care of our little one. & i am grateful for him letting me nap an hour longer than i said i would, and greeting me with a quesadilla and a cup of coffee. noahs smiles melt all sorts of hardness and after barely seeing him at all on friday, and for just a few hours on saturday, he looks like he has changed so much. grown, for sure.
there are birds at the birdfeeder, deer out back, noah sleeping off a full belly, and the most lovely breeze is blowing. matthew is at the Friends Meeting & i sat outside with noah. i prayed and he cooed.
this is Life, and its always moving. and messy. and beautiful.