(no subject)
Another year has come and gone. Recently I thought back to my first birthday without my family, which was my 18th, the year I began uni. I thought that I would be really sad, being alone in a new city, a freshman at a new uni with no friends yet, but it was pretty good. I decided to embrace my alone-ness, so I dressed up in my black velvet cape, wore a garland of flowers on my head, and went out and walked the streets of Boston alone. I went to F.A.O. Schwartz and played with toys, then I went to Tower Records and bought Life's Too Good by the Sugarcubes and listened to 'Birthday' on repeat. Ever since then, every year I make it a point to listen to 'Birthday' on my actual birthday. It always makes me feel really happy and magical and special.
After thinking about my 18th birthday ten years ago, I thought, 'Ten years! Goodness, where have I been? What have I been doing for a decade? It certainly doesn't feel that long.' And so I sat and I thought and I wrote it all down in a list, and this is what I came up with:
1997 - 18th birthday: My first birthday alone. Walked around Boston, bought a Sugarcubes CD. Wore my black velvet cape. Sat in the window of my ninth floor dorm room, listening to 'Birthday,' feeling wistful.
1998 - 19th birthday: I flew to Washington D.C. to spend the weekend with my family, who drove up except for my older sister, who was already there at uni. Had a fight with mom, felt shitty, then the two of us sat on the floor in the clothes section of a D.C. Target and talked it out while the rest of the fam waited in the car. Made up, felt better, all of us went out for Mexican. Moo was appalled by all the margaritas mom drank, and we all laughed at that.
1999 - 20th birthday: During my gap semester between Emerson College and Warren Wilson College. Think I went out to eat with the fam except for Laura, who was still in D.C. Decided I could never be a housewife during that semester of cooking and cleaning and driving Moo around.
2000 - 21st birthday: Came home from Wilson for the weekend to celebrate with the fam. Went out to eat at a fancy restaurant, ordered wine and my mom, with a grin on her face, insisted that the waiter i.d. me. I wore my black velvet dress. Mom brought a cookie cake into the restaurant. Laura gave me the special edition of Nightmare Before Christmas, which I hadn't known existed, and an American Psycho poster.
2001 - 22nd birthday: In London, during my study abroad. One of my roommates, Mary, bought me a ticket to 'Cat On a Hot Tin Roof' starring Brendan Fraiser, and I went with several girls in our program. I wore a black feather boa with glittery ribbons and my disco-ball skirt. My other two roommates were mad that they weren't invited, so they insisted on watching porn very loudly with the R.A. in our tiny room late into the night. I was leaving for Ireland early the next morning for a week-long fall break, and, in tears, I asked to sleep in my friend Sarah's flat that night. She kindly took me in, and she and I went to Ireland the next day and had an amazing trip.
2002 - 23rd birthday: In Charlotte, North Carolina, at Lane's parents' house due to her car conking out on our failed road trip to Massachusettes, just before I got my job at Borders. Lane made me some horrible pasta dish, and I snuck away to call my sisters and cry about how shitty my birthday was. Later on we played Clue and watched the White Stripes perform on Saturday Night Live and talked about how cute Jack White was with his Edward Scissorhands hair. I felt better.
2003 - 24th birthday: In Lexington, Kentucky, living with Rikki. Dad and Moo drove up and we went out to eat with Rikki and her mom. They gave me presents. Dad gave me the wizard/dragon oil burner that now sits on one of my altars. Moo told me about Pippin, her new kitten. Rikki baked two cakes, neither of which I liked. After Moo and Dad left I cried because things were already getting bad with Rikki, and I wished I was leaving with them. I missed my family horribly.
2004 - 25th birthday: I got my driver's license renewed and went our for breakfast at Cracker Barrel with Mom and Moo and Laura. I wore my hair in braids and my red velveteen shirt. Laura and I went back to Mom's house and had a huge fight. She went up to her room and slammed the door, and I watched Something's Gotta Give on cable at an insanely loud volume, angry and hoping she would come downstairs and apologize first. She didn't, and I left to go to work at my horrible bank job. No one at work wished me happy birthday. I went to my car on break, listened to the Sugarcubes, and cried.
2005 - 26th birthday: During the year of depression/unemployment. Laura swore that we wouldn't have a fight and that I wouldn't cry on my birthday since I'd cried on the previous four birthdays. Then on our way to meet Moo for lunch we had an arguement and I cried. She apologized first, we made up quickly, then met Moo at Mimi's in Turkey Creek, the new French-themed restaurant. I wore my feather boa again, and the hostess knew exactly which table to seat me at as I looked like a birthday girl, whom she was advised to look for by Moo. I ate a brilliant frozen pie dessert, and Laura took pictures of me and Moo in the booth. Then we went to Bath and Bodyworks and smelled all the new Christmas scents, then Laura took pictures of me in the parking lot outside of Target. We took one of ourselvesh. A lady in a car leaned out of her window and asked if we'd like her to take a picture of the three of us, and we said thank you but no. Laura gave me a pink cardboard crown that wore as we shopped.
2006 - 27th birthday: Just began grad school in England. Andrea gave me a ride to Southampton airport, and I got a birthday card from Mamaw, the first signed by just her, not her and Papaw. I flew to Edinburgh and met Hannah for the first time. I was worried that it would be weird as we had never met or spoken in person, but we eased into conversation just fine. We took a bus ride to Dundee with a large chav family who argued with the driver before getting on. Waj met us at the bus stop and helped with my suitcase up the long hill to their flat. Hannah mentioned that she was making a veggie roast for dinner, which I was worried would be peppers and onions and bunches of things that I didn't like, but which turned out to be potatoes and carrots and Quorn sausages, and it was the best meal I'd had since coming to the UK. I smoked a spliff for the first time in my life and was terribly nervous that I was doing it wrong. I didn't actually feel much of anything until we did buckets, which I quite enjoyed. We watched movies and laughed and Hannah gave me a tarot reading. It was the first birthday in five years that I didn't cry.
2007 - 28th birthday: I'm back in England, having arrived just the day before, and staying with Caroline and Mike. I slept until 11 a.m. due to jet-lag and a very long day. I received a text from Katrin wishing me a happy birthday from her and Debbie, and I called her to thank her and tell her that plans for the weekend had changed. Then my phone died. I walked out of the guestroom to use the house phone when I saw that Mike and Caroline had decorated the sitting room with streamers, party hats, and ballons, and left me a card and a present. I was very surprised and touched. Then I called Chandra, the Suzie. Then I fell back asleep. Then I called Suzie and Chandra again, then got something to eat, checked my email, then took a shower. Then I packed up my things and walked to the bus stop. I asked the bus driver to tell me when we were at the train station. Mike has told me that it would be a 20 minute ride. 40 minutes later I realized that we'd probably passed it, so I asked the lady in the seta in front of me. She said 'Yes love, some time ago.' I said, 'Oh dear, thank you,' and went up to talk to the driver. He smacked his head and said that he'd forgotten, and if I was able to wait 15 more minutes he'd be going back by it. I was fine, but I really didn't want to turn 28 on a bus. Luckily we made it to the station before that happened. Then I got on a train to Winchester. I looked at my phone and waited for 6:51 p.m., which is 1:51 p.m. Tennessee-time, which is when I was born. At the moment I turned 28 I listened to 'Birthday' by the Sugarcubes and showed the ticket-taker my ticket, then I put glow-in-the-dark glitter on my face, then listened to 'Birthday' by Cruxshadows and actually did as the song says. I thought about my life and what I wanted to be before I died and where I was and how it was a million miles and 10 years away from the girl spending her first birthday alone in Boston. And I felt happy and proud of who I am and the kind of person I choose to be and the choices I've made.
When I was finally walking down the street to Suzie's flat in Winchester, I saw a young man kicking a fence. Then he crumpled up and lay down on the sidewalk, convulsing now and then. I paused, took off one of my headphones, and said, 'Are you okay?' He didn't answer,just kept rolling around and shaking. Then another young man appeared from behind me and bent over the man on the ground, trying to pull him up. One middle-aged woman from a group of women across the street said that he should be left on the ground, and she asked if I had a mobile phone. Since my phone is currently only receiving, not making calls, I said no. Another man stopped, then a couple joined the man bent over the man on the ground and started prodding him and asking him questions. Someone in the shadows gave the middle-aged woman a mobile, and she called an ambulance as another couple came up, one of them, a woman, said she was a doctor. She asked what I saw and I told her. The police showed up as she was finishing and one examined the man on the ground while the other talked to people. The middle-aged woman gestured to me, saying that I saw him first. The cop asked what I saw and I told him, and he asked if anyone else was with the man on the ground and I said no. Then the ambulance arrived and once again I told them what I saw. They dug in his pocket and found i.d. I suppose, because as they picked him up they were saying, 'Rob, this is an ambulance, we're going to look after you, come with us, Rob.' Then they said we could all go.
Nothing like that has ever happened to me, except for one time when I called 911 while working as a desk-sitter for one of Emerson's dorms. There had been a car crash late at night just outside, and someone came rushing in and asked me to call, so I did. But that was nothing like this. It was very strange, and I felt useless as I had no idea what to do or how to help, but at the same time I didn't want to just leave.
Strange things out of a film have been happening as of late. First a friend is deported just last week, then a woman on my plane to England fainted and the paramedics had to come aboard to help her before we could get off the plane, and there was a band sitting behind me during the whole flight and going through customs with me, then I arrive in Winchester to a sea of young uni grads and hear that Colin Firth is in town being presented with an honorary degree from my uni, then something horrible and too personal to post happens to one of my dearest friends, and then a man collapes in front of me on the street. It's all so very puzzling.
After thinking about my 18th birthday ten years ago, I thought, 'Ten years! Goodness, where have I been? What have I been doing for a decade? It certainly doesn't feel that long.' And so I sat and I thought and I wrote it all down in a list, and this is what I came up with:
1997 - 18th birthday: My first birthday alone. Walked around Boston, bought a Sugarcubes CD. Wore my black velvet cape. Sat in the window of my ninth floor dorm room, listening to 'Birthday,' feeling wistful.
1998 - 19th birthday: I flew to Washington D.C. to spend the weekend with my family, who drove up except for my older sister, who was already there at uni. Had a fight with mom, felt shitty, then the two of us sat on the floor in the clothes section of a D.C. Target and talked it out while the rest of the fam waited in the car. Made up, felt better, all of us went out for Mexican. Moo was appalled by all the margaritas mom drank, and we all laughed at that.
1999 - 20th birthday: During my gap semester between Emerson College and Warren Wilson College. Think I went out to eat with the fam except for Laura, who was still in D.C. Decided I could never be a housewife during that semester of cooking and cleaning and driving Moo around.
2000 - 21st birthday: Came home from Wilson for the weekend to celebrate with the fam. Went out to eat at a fancy restaurant, ordered wine and my mom, with a grin on her face, insisted that the waiter i.d. me. I wore my black velvet dress. Mom brought a cookie cake into the restaurant. Laura gave me the special edition of Nightmare Before Christmas, which I hadn't known existed, and an American Psycho poster.
2001 - 22nd birthday: In London, during my study abroad. One of my roommates, Mary, bought me a ticket to 'Cat On a Hot Tin Roof' starring Brendan Fraiser, and I went with several girls in our program. I wore a black feather boa with glittery ribbons and my disco-ball skirt. My other two roommates were mad that they weren't invited, so they insisted on watching porn very loudly with the R.A. in our tiny room late into the night. I was leaving for Ireland early the next morning for a week-long fall break, and, in tears, I asked to sleep in my friend Sarah's flat that night. She kindly took me in, and she and I went to Ireland the next day and had an amazing trip.
2002 - 23rd birthday: In Charlotte, North Carolina, at Lane's parents' house due to her car conking out on our failed road trip to Massachusettes, just before I got my job at Borders. Lane made me some horrible pasta dish, and I snuck away to call my sisters and cry about how shitty my birthday was. Later on we played Clue and watched the White Stripes perform on Saturday Night Live and talked about how cute Jack White was with his Edward Scissorhands hair. I felt better.
2003 - 24th birthday: In Lexington, Kentucky, living with Rikki. Dad and Moo drove up and we went out to eat with Rikki and her mom. They gave me presents. Dad gave me the wizard/dragon oil burner that now sits on one of my altars. Moo told me about Pippin, her new kitten. Rikki baked two cakes, neither of which I liked. After Moo and Dad left I cried because things were already getting bad with Rikki, and I wished I was leaving with them. I missed my family horribly.
2004 - 25th birthday: I got my driver's license renewed and went our for breakfast at Cracker Barrel with Mom and Moo and Laura. I wore my hair in braids and my red velveteen shirt. Laura and I went back to Mom's house and had a huge fight. She went up to her room and slammed the door, and I watched Something's Gotta Give on cable at an insanely loud volume, angry and hoping she would come downstairs and apologize first. She didn't, and I left to go to work at my horrible bank job. No one at work wished me happy birthday. I went to my car on break, listened to the Sugarcubes, and cried.
2005 - 26th birthday: During the year of depression/unemployment. Laura swore that we wouldn't have a fight and that I wouldn't cry on my birthday since I'd cried on the previous four birthdays. Then on our way to meet Moo for lunch we had an arguement and I cried. She apologized first, we made up quickly, then met Moo at Mimi's in Turkey Creek, the new French-themed restaurant. I wore my feather boa again, and the hostess knew exactly which table to seat me at as I looked like a birthday girl, whom she was advised to look for by Moo. I ate a brilliant frozen pie dessert, and Laura took pictures of me and Moo in the booth. Then we went to Bath and Bodyworks and smelled all the new Christmas scents, then Laura took pictures of me in the parking lot outside of Target. We took one of ourselvesh. A lady in a car leaned out of her window and asked if we'd like her to take a picture of the three of us, and we said thank you but no. Laura gave me a pink cardboard crown that wore as we shopped.
2006 - 27th birthday: Just began grad school in England. Andrea gave me a ride to Southampton airport, and I got a birthday card from Mamaw, the first signed by just her, not her and Papaw. I flew to Edinburgh and met Hannah for the first time. I was worried that it would be weird as we had never met or spoken in person, but we eased into conversation just fine. We took a bus ride to Dundee with a large chav family who argued with the driver before getting on. Waj met us at the bus stop and helped with my suitcase up the long hill to their flat. Hannah mentioned that she was making a veggie roast for dinner, which I was worried would be peppers and onions and bunches of things that I didn't like, but which turned out to be potatoes and carrots and Quorn sausages, and it was the best meal I'd had since coming to the UK. I smoked a spliff for the first time in my life and was terribly nervous that I was doing it wrong. I didn't actually feel much of anything until we did buckets, which I quite enjoyed. We watched movies and laughed and Hannah gave me a tarot reading. It was the first birthday in five years that I didn't cry.
2007 - 28th birthday: I'm back in England, having arrived just the day before, and staying with Caroline and Mike. I slept until 11 a.m. due to jet-lag and a very long day. I received a text from Katrin wishing me a happy birthday from her and Debbie, and I called her to thank her and tell her that plans for the weekend had changed. Then my phone died. I walked out of the guestroom to use the house phone when I saw that Mike and Caroline had decorated the sitting room with streamers, party hats, and ballons, and left me a card and a present. I was very surprised and touched. Then I called Chandra, the Suzie. Then I fell back asleep. Then I called Suzie and Chandra again, then got something to eat, checked my email, then took a shower. Then I packed up my things and walked to the bus stop. I asked the bus driver to tell me when we were at the train station. Mike has told me that it would be a 20 minute ride. 40 minutes later I realized that we'd probably passed it, so I asked the lady in the seta in front of me. She said 'Yes love, some time ago.' I said, 'Oh dear, thank you,' and went up to talk to the driver. He smacked his head and said that he'd forgotten, and if I was able to wait 15 more minutes he'd be going back by it. I was fine, but I really didn't want to turn 28 on a bus. Luckily we made it to the station before that happened. Then I got on a train to Winchester. I looked at my phone and waited for 6:51 p.m., which is 1:51 p.m. Tennessee-time, which is when I was born. At the moment I turned 28 I listened to 'Birthday' by the Sugarcubes and showed the ticket-taker my ticket, then I put glow-in-the-dark glitter on my face, then listened to 'Birthday' by Cruxshadows and actually did as the song says. I thought about my life and what I wanted to be before I died and where I was and how it was a million miles and 10 years away from the girl spending her first birthday alone in Boston. And I felt happy and proud of who I am and the kind of person I choose to be and the choices I've made.
When I was finally walking down the street to Suzie's flat in Winchester, I saw a young man kicking a fence. Then he crumpled up and lay down on the sidewalk, convulsing now and then. I paused, took off one of my headphones, and said, 'Are you okay?' He didn't answer,just kept rolling around and shaking. Then another young man appeared from behind me and bent over the man on the ground, trying to pull him up. One middle-aged woman from a group of women across the street said that he should be left on the ground, and she asked if I had a mobile phone. Since my phone is currently only receiving, not making calls, I said no. Another man stopped, then a couple joined the man bent over the man on the ground and started prodding him and asking him questions. Someone in the shadows gave the middle-aged woman a mobile, and she called an ambulance as another couple came up, one of them, a woman, said she was a doctor. She asked what I saw and I told her. The police showed up as she was finishing and one examined the man on the ground while the other talked to people. The middle-aged woman gestured to me, saying that I saw him first. The cop asked what I saw and I told him, and he asked if anyone else was with the man on the ground and I said no. Then the ambulance arrived and once again I told them what I saw. They dug in his pocket and found i.d. I suppose, because as they picked him up they were saying, 'Rob, this is an ambulance, we're going to look after you, come with us, Rob.' Then they said we could all go.
Nothing like that has ever happened to me, except for one time when I called 911 while working as a desk-sitter for one of Emerson's dorms. There had been a car crash late at night just outside, and someone came rushing in and asked me to call, so I did. But that was nothing like this. It was very strange, and I felt useless as I had no idea what to do or how to help, but at the same time I didn't want to just leave.
Strange things out of a film have been happening as of late. First a friend is deported just last week, then a woman on my plane to England fainted and the paramedics had to come aboard to help her before we could get off the plane, and there was a band sitting behind me during the whole flight and going through customs with me, then I arrive in Winchester to a sea of young uni grads and hear that Colin Firth is in town being presented with an honorary degree from my uni, then something horrible and too personal to post happens to one of my dearest friends, and then a man collapes in front of me on the street. It's all so very puzzling.