habits of silence, of different kinds.
so it's been 3 months, a little more, since my last update. somehow acknowledging that fact seems damning, in some way ..
either that this platform is on its way out, for me,
or that i'm on my way out, nothing new in my life to write about.
that isn't quite true, though.
i'm moving to new york;
i'll write more about it, soon enough.
my mind feels quiet, most of the time.
i don't think i'm as fearless or inventive as i used to be.
maybe mathematics has really sunked its claws in me, leaving no more mindspace for anything else. like any good obsession, it has this way of breeding new question after old, even in the rare chance that you've sprung upon an answer.
i'm still uncertain about the smiling girl, my climbing partner and drinking buddy (of sorts). i think the window of opportunity has passed, and we're fated to be just friends.
that's fine, i guess.
i don't want to sound resigned, but i don't know what i want out of this. if that's the case .. that i really don't know what i want .. then i have no business starting anything. often that only ends in disaster. the few times i've thrown caution to the wind and kissed the girl ..
.. eventually, those didn't end well.
then again, nothing ever seems to end well, when it comes to love and romance. by necessity it has to deviate from the joy and bliss of young passion, right? put simply, either the relationship breaks up or one person dies of old age.
as time runs to infinity, the odds of a happy ending vanish to nil.
i'm talking in abstractions. these vague, self-referential musings must be hard for you, the reader, to follow.
call it rust, i guess. i can write about maths, i can update my status to complain or attempt something amusing .. but as the years go by, i find it harder to talk about my life. maybe it's because it's fading away into a routine.
i guess this is some news:
my ex came to visit, last weekend .. not visiting me, of course. (she has colleagues at the university, so she's visiting from her postdoc in sweden.) it surprised me that she called me to go bouldering; the last time we spoke, i thought she never wanted to see me again.
i guess everything in life is subject to change, after all.
i guess i also realised how little i actually talk when in person, these days. maybe it's because i'm out of practice, that the street language is finnish and it's odd to interrupt it with english. maybe i'm developing the finnish sense of quiet.
spending most of a single day together, it was a little uncomfortable, hearing her talk so much .. about everything. anything was up for discussion, important or trivial. for most of that time i was hard-pressed to think of anything to say.
it even feels strange to mention it.
maybe i take too much stock in saying only what seems to be interesting.
either that this platform is on its way out, for me,
or that i'm on my way out, nothing new in my life to write about.
that isn't quite true, though.
i'm moving to new york;
i'll write more about it, soon enough.
my mind feels quiet, most of the time.
i don't think i'm as fearless or inventive as i used to be.
maybe mathematics has really sunked its claws in me, leaving no more mindspace for anything else. like any good obsession, it has this way of breeding new question after old, even in the rare chance that you've sprung upon an answer.
i'm still uncertain about the smiling girl, my climbing partner and drinking buddy (of sorts). i think the window of opportunity has passed, and we're fated to be just friends.
that's fine, i guess.
i don't want to sound resigned, but i don't know what i want out of this. if that's the case .. that i really don't know what i want .. then i have no business starting anything. often that only ends in disaster. the few times i've thrown caution to the wind and kissed the girl ..
.. eventually, those didn't end well.
then again, nothing ever seems to end well, when it comes to love and romance. by necessity it has to deviate from the joy and bliss of young passion, right? put simply, either the relationship breaks up or one person dies of old age.
as time runs to infinity, the odds of a happy ending vanish to nil.
i'm talking in abstractions. these vague, self-referential musings must be hard for you, the reader, to follow.
call it rust, i guess. i can write about maths, i can update my status to complain or attempt something amusing .. but as the years go by, i find it harder to talk about my life. maybe it's because it's fading away into a routine.
i guess this is some news:
my ex came to visit, last weekend .. not visiting me, of course. (she has colleagues at the university, so she's visiting from her postdoc in sweden.) it surprised me that she called me to go bouldering; the last time we spoke, i thought she never wanted to see me again.
i guess everything in life is subject to change, after all.
i guess i also realised how little i actually talk when in person, these days. maybe it's because i'm out of practice, that the street language is finnish and it's odd to interrupt it with english. maybe i'm developing the finnish sense of quiet.
spending most of a single day together, it was a little uncomfortable, hearing her talk so much .. about everything. anything was up for discussion, important or trivial. for most of that time i was hard-pressed to think of anything to say.
it even feels strange to mention it.
maybe i take too much stock in saying only what seems to be interesting.