in the city
In my excitement over going home this year, I managed to forget the particularly volatile waters that potentially await me there.
Oh, there's the usual family things to deal with, negotiating a mix of not-always-harmonious personalities, that sort of thing. But now that I'm only in the States for two weeks out of any given year, my time is strictly limited. I only have those two weeks to ration out between family, friends, errands, and sleep. And, inevitably, someone ends up feeling jilted.
Well, not necessarily. The problem is really dealing with my father, who is deeply jealous of time I spend outside of the family during my visits. Of course I want to spend a lot of time with my family, but I also have a lot of friends that I want to see and catch up with. I want to get out of the house, I want to do fun things and eat at restaurants and generally enjoy myself. But if I spend time outside the family my father becomes steadily more sulky and upset with me.
And I have a lot of friends I need to spend time with. Certainly it's not unreasonable for them to ask for a chance to see me, for a day or two of my time when that's all they can have for an entire year. For my part I want to see them, I want to spend that time. But I'm constantly walking a tightrope between doing all the things I want to do and keeping my father happy.
The real irony of all this is that he doesn't really notice how much time I spend at home, or the times when he calls for me and I'm around to answer. What he notices is when I'm not there, when he calls and I'm off on some trip or other. I spent days sitting around the house doing not much of anything last year, I wasted hours on end waiting for him to finish with whatever he was doing so we could watch a movie together as we'd planned. But when I finally got tired of waiting and decided to accept a friend's invitation for a late-evening coffee, he became angry because I'd gone. Or he would come up with something he wanted to do with me the day before or the day of, and then would be hurt when I already had plans.
I know that the reason is because my father loves me and misses me desperately during the year when I'm away. I love him, and I miss him. But I wish he could be happy for the time that we do get to spend together and not make me feel guilty for the time when I go off to do something else. With him, the family is paramont, and friends are a poor second. He doesn't seem to realize that even though the family is very important, there are other things in my life that are not family-related that are also important to me. Or maybe he realizes it, but doesn't accept it.
This started to become a problem in high school, it became worse in college, and now . . . my friends don't see anything unreasonable in asking for a day or two of my time, and they're right, it's not unreasonable. I know they feel hurt and confused when I turn them down, or say that I can only stay for a few hours, or that I have to leave first thing in the morning after the sleepover. It's impossible to explain to them that I have to sit around the house doing nothing on the off chance that my family needs me for something. I can't even invite people over to sit with me, because it's rude to turn people out of the house when something else comes up, and because to my family that's almost the equivalent of me not being there.
I know for a fact that other families are not so demanding as mine, and that my friends don't have this problem, even the ones who live far away from their families. And I'm glad that my family loves me so much that they want me to spend as much time as possible with them. But I really wish that everyone, especially my father, would relax about it. I don't want to have to be constantly worrying about whether I'm keeping everyone happy, I don't want to have to keep my calendar clear on the off chance that someone will decide they want to go ice skating or whatever. I want to enjoy my vacation.
Unfortunately the reality is that I can't and have never been able to because I have to always be thinking about how I can satisfy everyone and keep things peaceful.
To my friends: please don't stop asking me to do things with you, or calling me, or anything. Just please understand and don't be disappointed if I have to turn you down or limit the amount of time I spend with you. And please forgive me if invitations, and especially come-over-to-my-house invitations, are not particularly forthcoming on my part. I value you highly and more, but dealing with my family can be a nightmare and a half when things get difficult.
Oh, there's the usual family things to deal with, negotiating a mix of not-always-harmonious personalities, that sort of thing. But now that I'm only in the States for two weeks out of any given year, my time is strictly limited. I only have those two weeks to ration out between family, friends, errands, and sleep. And, inevitably, someone ends up feeling jilted.
Well, not necessarily. The problem is really dealing with my father, who is deeply jealous of time I spend outside of the family during my visits. Of course I want to spend a lot of time with my family, but I also have a lot of friends that I want to see and catch up with. I want to get out of the house, I want to do fun things and eat at restaurants and generally enjoy myself. But if I spend time outside the family my father becomes steadily more sulky and upset with me.
And I have a lot of friends I need to spend time with. Certainly it's not unreasonable for them to ask for a chance to see me, for a day or two of my time when that's all they can have for an entire year. For my part I want to see them, I want to spend that time. But I'm constantly walking a tightrope between doing all the things I want to do and keeping my father happy.
The real irony of all this is that he doesn't really notice how much time I spend at home, or the times when he calls for me and I'm around to answer. What he notices is when I'm not there, when he calls and I'm off on some trip or other. I spent days sitting around the house doing not much of anything last year, I wasted hours on end waiting for him to finish with whatever he was doing so we could watch a movie together as we'd planned. But when I finally got tired of waiting and decided to accept a friend's invitation for a late-evening coffee, he became angry because I'd gone. Or he would come up with something he wanted to do with me the day before or the day of, and then would be hurt when I already had plans.
I know that the reason is because my father loves me and misses me desperately during the year when I'm away. I love him, and I miss him. But I wish he could be happy for the time that we do get to spend together and not make me feel guilty for the time when I go off to do something else. With him, the family is paramont, and friends are a poor second. He doesn't seem to realize that even though the family is very important, there are other things in my life that are not family-related that are also important to me. Or maybe he realizes it, but doesn't accept it.
This started to become a problem in high school, it became worse in college, and now . . . my friends don't see anything unreasonable in asking for a day or two of my time, and they're right, it's not unreasonable. I know they feel hurt and confused when I turn them down, or say that I can only stay for a few hours, or that I have to leave first thing in the morning after the sleepover. It's impossible to explain to them that I have to sit around the house doing nothing on the off chance that my family needs me for something. I can't even invite people over to sit with me, because it's rude to turn people out of the house when something else comes up, and because to my family that's almost the equivalent of me not being there.
I know for a fact that other families are not so demanding as mine, and that my friends don't have this problem, even the ones who live far away from their families. And I'm glad that my family loves me so much that they want me to spend as much time as possible with them. But I really wish that everyone, especially my father, would relax about it. I don't want to have to be constantly worrying about whether I'm keeping everyone happy, I don't want to have to keep my calendar clear on the off chance that someone will decide they want to go ice skating or whatever. I want to enjoy my vacation.
Unfortunately the reality is that I can't and have never been able to because I have to always be thinking about how I can satisfy everyone and keep things peaceful.
To my friends: please don't stop asking me to do things with you, or calling me, or anything. Just please understand and don't be disappointed if I have to turn you down or limit the amount of time I spend with you. And please forgive me if invitations, and especially come-over-to-my-house invitations, are not particularly forthcoming on my part. I value you highly and more, but dealing with my family can be a nightmare and a half when things get difficult.