i love you. IV
I am off the Celexa, for a few days. A few differences:
My nosebleed has returned
I'm gagging on everything, because my neck nerves are fucked up
I'm crying and drunk*
I sort of have an appetite
I can orgasm, sort of. As much as a person who wants to die can orgasm I guess.
THe voices are back
The halucinations are back
The 3oclock demon is back (why I am up, yes.)
I'm lonely as fuck*
I want to die*
I am floudering*.
*probably unrelated to the lack of Celexa.
The threeo'clock demon is .. well, i wake up everynight around 3-330am, in extreme pain, and proceed to cry and have a panic attack well into the morning. THe duration can be shortened if somebody loves me :|
...It's okay though. I cried and I wrote Brian another letter (I think he's got about20 pages so far, though he'll never get them) and I pretended I was sleeping there with him. Which really only made me cry more. I'm bad at this. i've got the shakes reeeeeeeeal bad. my letter is barely readable. doesn't matter, because no one will read it anyway.
The cat is actually being sort of nice, except he keeps trying to make out with me. Fucking boys.
I am really, really sorry.
I have to get a job, tomorrow.
It is an important part of THe Quest. though the quest is somewhat different now?
the goal is stillt o make brian love me.
so, if i make money, i can buy him... new clothes. i don't know what else he needs. every other slut in the world gives him guitars. maybe i should just give him roses. boys dont like roses. brian doesnt like me, this is futile. i should spend my money on booze.
... someone outside is sseriously rocking some john mellancamp. fuck you, person.
no, i shouldnt spend my money on booze. is hould spend it on gifts and hygeine products so i am clean and i can give presents and gain love.
no, this is exactly not the way to do it. this is like when i made all those homemade cards and it was creepy and i got dumped the first time.
someone tell me what to do. is there anything i can do other than leave brian alone.
My nosebleed has returned
I'm gagging on everything, because my neck nerves are fucked up
I'm crying and drunk*
I sort of have an appetite
I can orgasm, sort of. As much as a person who wants to die can orgasm I guess.
THe voices are back
The halucinations are back
The 3oclock demon is back (why I am up, yes.)
I'm lonely as fuck*
I want to die*
I am floudering*.
*probably unrelated to the lack of Celexa.
The threeo'clock demon is .. well, i wake up everynight around 3-330am, in extreme pain, and proceed to cry and have a panic attack well into the morning. THe duration can be shortened if somebody loves me :|
...It's okay though. I cried and I wrote Brian another letter (I think he's got about20 pages so far, though he'll never get them) and I pretended I was sleeping there with him. Which really only made me cry more. I'm bad at this. i've got the shakes reeeeeeeeal bad. my letter is barely readable. doesn't matter, because no one will read it anyway.
The cat is actually being sort of nice, except he keeps trying to make out with me. Fucking boys.
I am really, really sorry.
I have to get a job, tomorrow.
It is an important part of THe Quest. though the quest is somewhat different now?
the goal is stillt o make brian love me.
so, if i make money, i can buy him... new clothes. i don't know what else he needs. every other slut in the world gives him guitars. maybe i should just give him roses. boys dont like roses. brian doesnt like me, this is futile. i should spend my money on booze.
... someone outside is sseriously rocking some john mellancamp. fuck you, person.
no, i shouldnt spend my money on booze. is hould spend it on gifts and hygeine products so i am clean and i can give presents and gain love.
no, this is exactly not the way to do it. this is like when i made all those homemade cards and it was creepy and i got dumped the first time.
someone tell me what to do. is there anything i can do other than leave brian alone.