The dealio.
Okay, all. So I've recently realized that you guys are pretty much getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop (it's an expression) in terms of hearing about my life. All you ever get to experience is the downside, the residual emotional baggage that I pile onto this livejournal as a means of catharsis. I get all these comments and messages where you guys are concerned about my level of happiness, and I am a little baffled because I really am not unhappy here. But I realized that what else are you supposed to think? All I offer are these little snippets of the drama in my life and how it affects me negatively, without ever hearing what's really going on. So here it is. I am going to attempt (attempt being the key word) to convey what it is exactly that has been going on in the life of Gretchen Ho Powell over this past year. The serious stuff. The stuff that makes me feel like I might be a different person entirely from who I was (I'm not, of course, but sometimes it does feel like that.) It occurs to me that the likely nature of this entry might be old news to you all, since several of you wrote entrise of a similar vein not all that long ago, and I probably should've jumped on the bandwagon then, but what can I say? I'm a rebel. I'm a nonconformist. I do things in my own time. So I am going to tell you (warn you?) right now that I am going to be talking about my faith, and the immeasurable amount of growth and contentment I've found recently because of it. I feel convicted to do this, and if you decided not to read it, or just to disagree, that is absolutely your prerogitive. I just feel like sharing this.
I can tell you with complete and utter honesty that the last thing I ever expected to have happen at college was to be strengthened in my faith. Understandably, I actually expected the opposite to happen. There are so many distractions, so many new things to try, you can understand my reasoning. And for the first little while, that's exactly what went on. I got here, and immediately threw myself into the party scene. As you all know, it's not like I was ever a party animal, but I definitely was trying out my options. But I mean, hey, getting drunk is FUN. Meeting new people is FUN. Nobody is trying to deny that by any means. But what ended up happening is that I started living my life from weekend to weekend. The time spent in between was just dead. And so I figured, well, I'll party on the weekends, and I'll throw myself into my schoolwork on the weekdays. And indeed, it worked for a little while. I was always doing something, my grades were high and I was quite the social butterfly. And every Sunday morning I would wake up after a weekend of successful partying, and I would feel... empty. Not empty, really, I guess. That's not exactly the right word. But I could feel something missing. There was a lack, something I couldn't quite place my finger on, but it was there.
So let's backtrack for a sec. I've been "saved" since I was very young. Raised in a Christian home, active participant in youth groups up until high school, the works. I've always known the story of Jesus. God sent his son down to earth, he lived a perfect life, and then was crucified on the cross for our sins, so that we can go to Heaven. That was the story that I knew perfectly well in my head. In my head. So because I knew that, I figured that the whole personal relationship with God thing wasn't really necessary. I mean, I was already saved, right? Plus, I mean, my life hasn't exactly been stable or anything. Moving around a lot, not a whole lotta chances to find my place in a Christian community or anything. And that was totally fine. It worked for me. I got along fine. Maybe I wasn't totally satisfied with life or anything, but who really is, right? Which is really what stemmed my whole perspective on the possibility of backsliding when I got to college. But (and I'm going to kind of start digging into the deep stuff now, just so you know. Congratulations on having read this far, by the way. I'm impressed.) what God has really shown me throughout this year is that the lack I felt before? The thing I could sense I was missing? That was my relationship with Him. God was a sidethought. A footnote. A kind of "oh yeah, that's right, what up God?" thing every once in a while. And that? That was leaving me feeling empty. So this is what was revealed to me, upon realizing that I was finding little to no satisfaction in the things I was pursuing:
God, the creator of the Heavens and the Earth, calls us to have a personal relationship with Him. He created us with a need to commune with Him. But circumstances broke that bond that we were originally created to have, and so we were cut off. And THAT is why Jesus died on the cross for us. Many of you may have come across this verse before, John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, He sent His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." I'm not a proponent of doing the whole fire and brimstone, we're all going to Hell business, by any means. But I feel that it is important to acknowledge that the fact that we are all sinners is a big part of what I'm talking about. Whether you refer to it as "sin" or "faults", "flaws" or "imperfections", it's all really the same thing. Romans 3:23 says, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." That's us. And Romans 6:23 says this, "For the wages of sin is death." But the wonderful news is that God sent down Jesus Christ, 100% man and 100% God, to die in our place. To pay the wages for us. And it wasn't like, after we stop sinning, then Jesus will come redeem us. It's not like, after we become better people, after we stop doing bad things, THEN we will be saved. Then the whole Jesus-deal will kick in. No, Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." It doesn't matter that we sin, that we aren't perfect people, because that is WHY Christ died for us. God is so perfect and holy that we would be unable to commune with Him, it's like oil and vinegar. It just doesn't mix. So God sends Himself down in human form to live the perfect life and die in our stead, so that we might have everlasting life, if we only choose to TAKE it. And here's the best part of all: God's grace covers ALL of us. The gift He has given us all to be saved from our own nature and have everlasting life in Him is right there, we just have to take it. We just have to accept it. That is the only way we are ever going to be complete. And THAT is what God has revealed in my heart.
I was believing in God half-heartedly, knowing the stories in my mind, but never truly placing my faith in Him. And doing only that simple thing, letting Jesus take the wheel has changed my life. I have found the love of my life. And I can tell you truly that I am more content, satisfied, and fulfilled in my life than I have ever been. Obviously I still deal with my own personal drama, and life is not perfect, but every time something goes wrong, every time it gets to be too much to deal with, I can turn to Him. He takes my burdons upon Himself and he delights in comforting me. All the comfort I was looking for in partying, meeting people, being popular, having good grades, whatever, it was all for nothing. Because nothing comforts like God. There is honestly no better feeling in the world than knowing you can just lay everything on His shoulders. He wants to comfort us, to bless us. And He wants to know us.
I am not trying to convince any of you to throw down your lives and suddenly start praising the Lord, and please do not think this an imposition of my beliefs or anything upon you. I just feel that as some of my closest and dearest friends, you deserve to know what has been going on in my life. And the bottom line is this, what has been going on in my life is the work of the Lord. Jesus is in my life now, and despite what may have been portrayed to you previous to this, I have never been more fulfilled. I don't think it's even a case of me being a "different" person, more to the point that I am a "fuller" person. I feel complete, and that's a pretty much unparalleled feeling, to tell you the truth.
I love you all, and I figured it only right that you can all get just a glimpse of the amazing things that have been happening in my life. You know, if you are really all that interested or what not. If you read through all 1500+ words of that, my heartfelt congratulations are in order. You're a real trooper. All questions are welcome, as always, and I will do my best to answer them all to the fullest extent of my knowledge. Whether you think I am absolutely ridiculous for having written this entry, trying to take you for a ride, or any other possible thing you might be thinking about me right now, I've tried to convey what's going on in my life and in my heart lately. Miss you all - May 5th is pretty much the 2nd most exciting date on my calender right now (topped only by April 11th, but for obvious reasons. :P) Only another month and a half till I'm COMING HOME!
Love, love, love,
Gretchen
PS - Final word count: 1,761. :D